Michele's Story
When I was pregnant with my first, which was 8 years ago, my pregnancy and
delivery were normal. I took tons of prenatal classes with my husband and I
took a lactation class with my mother in law. I read all the books and thought
I was totally ready for this little thing about to come into my life. I did
try to breast feed my daughter while in the hospital and at home. But even
after taking classes and reading books and calling the hospital everyday, it
just wasn't working out. She would cry all the time, like she was hungry and I
would cry all the time because she was crying. There were times when my husband
would come home from work and I would still be in my PJ's, just sitting in my
rocker with our daughter and we would both be crying. So, in the end, after 3
months of trying to breast feed, I gave up and my daughter became a little
happier and fatter from all the formula she was drinking. But, I still was not
happy. It is very hard to explain how I felt. I just was not happy. And I
would cry all the time. And over the stupidest things. One time I burned some
rice I was making to go with dinner and I burst into tears and threw the entire
meal in the trash and locked myself in the bathroom and cried for 3 hours. When
I tried to talk to my doctor about what I was feeling, I would get the brush off
and I was told it was normal. I was just overwhelmed with a new baby in the
house and all. That it would go away.
I don't know if it ever truly
went away, but I did learn to keep my feelings bottled inside for a very long
time.
When I got pregnant with my son 4 years ago, things were not
good. I had Placenta Previa and ended up in the hospital for a 59 day stay.
Complete bed rest. Thanks to family and friends, my husband and daughter were
well taken care of at home. But being in the hospital for such a long time
finally took its toll on my emotions. I cried all the time. I hated it there
and even started to hate being pregnant. My doctor, a new one, decided to put
me on Zoloft. Well, let me tell you, it was the miracle that I needed to keep
my sanity. The bouts of crying stopped. I started to enjoy my pregnancy
again. And, even though I could not leave the hospital until my son was born, I
knew I had to stay and listen to the doctors for sake of my health and my baby's
health. Of course, my son had to be delivered by emergency C-section and two
months early at that, but he was perfect. Nothing wrong with him except he only
weighed 4 pounds. He had to stay in the NICU for a month, which was very
hard on me and the rest of my family. You know, they make you go home after 3
days and without your precious bundle of joy. So, here I was again, crying all
the time, wanting my baby, pumping breast milk 24/7 and taking it to the
hospital so the nurses could feed him. He refused to nurse because of the tube
in his mouth. I couldn't rock him because it would set off all the alarms that
were attached to him. My daughter, then 3 hated it when I pumped my breast milk
because she wanted to sit on my lap and have me hold her. She didn't like the
baby because it was not a girl baby. I was still crying all the time. First
because my new baby was still in the hospital and because my little girl
resented the fact that I spent too much time on the baby. Hormones fluctuating
like a roller coaster.....I was a total mess. Both emotionally and physically.
I went back to my doctor and told her to put me back on Zoloft and I have been
on it ever since. My emotions are on an even keel and my kids and husband are
happier because I am happier.
I did try to wean myself off of the Zoloft,
but all the crying and yelling at the kids and ignoring my husband was just too
much and I went back to my regular dosage. It was just too much. Is it postpartum depression or just regular depression now since it has been 4 years since
my last baby? I don't know. But everyone, including myself, are happier when I
take my meds!
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