Executive Director's Column
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 This is my last newsletter entry as the Executive Director
of Boys to Men. I am stepping aside as the founder and director on June 4,
2010. This position has been the most extraordinary and meaningful professional
experience I have ever had. It has also been the hardest. I have learned so
much about boys, parenting, teaching and myself. I have had the distinct honor and great pleasure
of working with the best board of directors in Maine. I am the envy of many a nonprofit
executive director in Portland.
The B2M board members are passionate about the work, generous with their time,
wise beyond belief and so much fun to work with. As someone who actually enjoys meetings, not
having all those regular committee contacts with them will feel like a real
loss. I have also had the pleasure of building a remarkable staff who love
their work and give so much of themselves to ensure our programs are
successful. There are so many little things I will miss: Jeff's boisterous and
warm laugh, Brooke's loud exclamations when she has puzzled something out and
Andrew's soft spoken warmth when we greet in the morning.
I am also
leaving the organization with an incredibly competent, lovely and intelligent
man as my successor. Drew Wing is just what we hoped for. He has the heart of a
nonprofit leader and the mind of a business man. He has a laid back charm and
easy way with people that will win friends and influence people. Most
importantly, he will take B2M where the organization needs to go next. It has
been a sincere honor to participate in the process of selecting him. I feel
like I am passing "my child" into the arms of an incredibly capable father. I look
forward to watching from the side lines as B2M continues its upward flight path
toward success.
And, since this is our annual Father's day e-newsletter
issue, I will leave you all with this thoughtful quote to ponder: "The most important thing a father can do for his children
is to love their mother."
Reverend Theodore Hesburgh, Priest and President Emeritus, University of Notre
Dame.
All the best to you and the boys in your lives,
Layne
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The Layne Gregory Dream Initiative
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 Those of you who know Layne Gregory recognize her incredible talent for
growing things. As friends, fellow committed advocates for children, and
board members we have watched her tend her many "gardens" with
thoughtfulness, diligence and passion. Layne planted the seed of Boys to Men 10 years ago when she
spoke the dream of all parents - to provide opportunities for children to grow
and flower into their unique selves without worry of violence or
judgment. Started from a single event developed to celebrate the unique
qualities of being male - she weeded, fertilized and worried over this garden
with her unique combination of enthusiasm, commitment and optimism. Our
children and communities are now enjoying the fruits of her labor. If you share Layne's dream, then become a fellow gardener. Boys to Men has launched Layne's Dream Initiative with the goal of raising
$100,000 to fund the advancement of Boys to Men programs such as RSVP and
ABLE. Our first objective is to raise $30,000 from you and others like you
who know personally the importance of the work Layne began. We raised
over $11,000 at our June 5th celebration but we need your help to meet our
initial $30,000 commitment. We cannot keep Layne's dream alive without your financial
support. Donate to the Layne Gregory Dream Initiative knowing your
contribution will continue to grow the incredible garden which is Boys to
Men.
 Become a Fellow Gardener: Weekend Warrior: Up to $100 Green Thumb: $100-$500 Gardener: $500-$1,000 Master Gardener: Over
$1,000 |
Fantastic Fathers Photo Contest
| Fantastic Fathers Photo
Contest
The Healthy
Fatherhood Alliance is proud to honor Dads on this Father's Day with the
Fantastic Fathers Photo Contest. Dads
are a vital part of childrens' lives and these images represent just a few of
the ways that dads get involved and connect with their kids. The winner in each of four categories were
picked by our panel of judges from over 50 photo entries. Each winner
will receive a family five pack
of tickets to the Father's Day Sea Dogs game versus the Akron Aeros, a
coffee
gift pack from Coffee By Design, and will be honored at the game with a
video montage on the big screen. Thank you to
everyone who submitted photos and THANK YOU DADS! |
Being a Dad
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"The Act of Observation"
By Josh Ottow, Age 30
Yesterday, my wife, Leah, and I went to her doctor. We were there
because she is pregnant. They suggest a preliminary meeting with a nurse
and 8 weeks, which is how far along she is. The appointment lasted about
1 hour. It consisted of a nurse asking her questions (both personal and
medical), and then her asking the nurse questions. I asked a couple questions
when it was my turn, but otherwise I spent the hour observing Leah.
I found the act of observation, in this case, to be a mix of anxiety and
joy. We have been planning to have a baby for a while now, so finding out
it was really happening (in such a formal manner) was really exciting. I
could see this in Leah, too. But mostly, just watching her made me
happy. I began to wonder if the baby was going to look like her (I hope
so). I began to imagine what kind of mother she would be, and I was
immediately thinking of when we started dating over 8 years ago. Even
then, I could tangibly acknowledge that one of the things that attracted me to
Leah was I just knew she would be an excellent mother. This memory
then trigger nostalgia, which starts to turn to fear.
Watching her sitting in that chair, talking with the nurse, I am reminded
how small Leah is physically. Will she be OK? I start to think
about some episode of some TV show about frontier life in 19th
century U.S. (was it Dr. Quinn?), where a woman dies giving birth to a
child. I am flooded with worry now. Then the nurse starts talking
about how miscarriages are so common during the first pregnancy, and they are
actually the body's way of protecting the woman. This makes me feel
better about Leah, but the worry is now shifted to this. While we haven't
told too many people yet, I do not want to have to go through this again; to
start over. I am trying not to get attached to this whole thing because
of this. Does Leah feel the same way?
Then I ask my question. The appointment is over.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Still Discovering
By Ronni Bossie
 That's the title for
this. Still discovering. What can I say about my experience
with being a father? Well, prior to about 12 years ago, I was quite happy
living my life for myself. I could do as I pleased and didn't really care
what others thought. After all, I had no one in my life to mirror back to
me how bad my decision making was. Let's just say fast forward 15 years,
'stuff happened', and I decided to get clean and sober. That was the
toughest thing I had done up to that point. So, as it went with listening
to people who had more experience than myself, and making better decisions for
myself, my life became smoother and less pathetic. As a result I actually
had 'things' to offer someone else and I found myself in a serious
relationship. You can probably guess I had no idea what that was or what
it meant to sustain one. Did I even want to? I quickly learned that
the challenges of being in a relationship had far more benefits than being
homeless for three years and strung out on drugs and booze for 15.
One of the goals I had set for myself was
to become a father and make an attempt to be a better parent to my children
than my father was to me. I had no idea that there were all these skills
that I would have to somehow acquire to do so. Where would I get these
skills? Would I have to do this myself? Who would I
ask? Where would I need to start to prepare? Not a clue!! What I had done that had worked for me in the past was to pray. So there
I went praying for what I thought God wanted me to have. I later learned
to just pray for his will and try to be grateful for what comes my way. It was quite a long process just trying to convince my wife to have
children. Once that happened is when the preparation started. I had
no clue about what to do. I never had a reason to prepare for anything. There were books being bought, doctor's appointments being made, and oh ya,
having to deal with each other's anxiety about the things we had no control
over to begin with. Loads of fun. Then the day came when we went
for the ultra sound which would tell us what the sex of the baby was. There was the nurse taking measurements of the top of the head. "A
and B" she said. Those weren't measurements. There were
twins. I just remember saying holy crap and sitting down. See, I'm
painting this picture about what it was like before because that's where the
work really starts. This is not a job for the mother to carry
alone. Humans are the only species that both parents have such a strong
bond, for such a long time. Like I said before, I made a commitment to be
the best father I could be from the start and that I've done. When my
boys were born I said nothing for about the first two hours. I just
looked at them and was thanking God for giving us this enormous gift.
I want to talk about what doing the best I can looks like for me. I should probably say that my full time job now is staying home and raising
these boys. I get up in the morning, by their crying for food, feed them
one at a time, change them and try and put them back down to sleep for another
hour or so. This is all before I am able to eat myself. My whole day is
like that. Am I resentful? Not at all. I look at these
beautiful boys and I am reminded at how fortunate I am that I get to help shape
their lives. Someone once told me that kids only want to please us and
follow us and all I have to do is love them and be the best example I can
be. Most days that goes well. The days it doesn't I talk with my
wife, and other parents I trust and reflect on what happened and what I could
have done differently. I am hoping that my boys will learn problem
solving, forgiveness, and what it means to make amends as a result. I
listen to other people when they try and tell me what I should be doing
differently. And as annoying as that is I'm new at this and I have to
remain teachable, or how can I expect them to be?
What I would like to pass on is that I love my life, I
love my wife, and I love my boys. I am very thankful for all the help
that people offer me and in return it is my responsibility to help other
fathers. I know I'm not the only one still discovering.
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My Father
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My Father
Aaron, age 15
My father
split up with my mom when I was 3. I had one brother and he was only a year old
and my mom was pregnant with my third brother. But since my dad split he has
still been in my life. I don't get to see him all the time because he's always working.
I've had some hard times with my dad. He has threatened to call the cops and
stuff like that on me because he found out that I was smoking weed but I have
stopped since then. I stopped talking to him for a while since he said things
that really hurt me inside. I used to stay up some nights crying because I
missed him so much. When I stopped talking to him I was starting to do badly in
school. So then I finally got tired of not seeing him or talking to him that I
started talking to him. The first time I started talking to him again was when
I was suspended so I went to work with him. But now things are good between us
and I go over to his house to see him and spend time with him. But since he
works 6 days a week I only really get to hang out with him on Sundays but is
better than it was before. But now I try to spend as much time as I can with
him. But now my life is much better than ever.
____________________________________________________________________________________
My Father
Dan, age 16
My
relationship with my father is a good one. We keep in touch all the time and we
are really best friends. When it comes to sports we are even closer than ever.
My best sport is baseball, and he is an umpire which is good for me. When I
need help he would pull me aside to tell me what I need to work on. Now my mom
and my dad don't live together cause they got a divorce. Now I can only hang
out with him like twice a week. He lives with my grandmother and he is having a
hard time getting a house. Now I can't go to him for help with sports cause I
never see him. When I was told that they weren't together, I just broke down
and cried cause I knew they didn't love each other anymore. Now I have to wake
up every day and know that he isn't with me.
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Drew's Interview
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An Interview With Drew Wing
The staff of Boys to Men would like to welcome Drew to the organization as he steps in as our new Executive Director
 What was the best thing about
growing up as a boy?
I spent most of my youth growing up in a neighborhood in
southeastern Michigan. It was a large
neighborhood, flanked on all sides by woods and cornfields. Parents felt that their kids were safe, and from
a young age we bumped freely around the neighborhood and surrounding woods. I can remember playing kick the can on hot
summer nights, building forts in the woods, and making BMX trails for riding
our bikes. I think these early
friendships and the freedom we had to explore our world was the best part of
being a boy.
What makes a successful man?
For starters, I would re-frame the question to express an
opinion. What makes for a successful
person? For one, I believe someone has
to be comfortable in their own skin. This is a process of trial and error and we have to create an
environment where young people feel safe to figure this out. Another critical characteristic of successful
people is a fundamental shift in interest and priorities from "me" to "us." Successful people practice holding their rights
in balance to responsibility and the larger needs of the community.
What are the challenges young
men face today as they transition into men?
The challenges are
endless. Whether we are talking about risky behavior
related to drinking and driving, violence or sexual conduct, we need to help our
young men slow down and think about risk, reward, and responsibility
How can adult men support
this transition?
Adult men can support this transition by doing our work to
open up and reflect on the challenges that we have faced and continue to face
in becoming men. The idea of arriving at
Manhood is a perhaps a little misleading. I think that we need to convey that we still face choices and challenges
that define us and our relationship to the world. Our young men need to see some of our scars
to understand that each generation has faced its own challenges. They need to hear some of the pain associated
with our bad decisions. And they need to
hear the joy of our successes. In
essence adult men need to spend time with young men and share their authentic
experience of personal growth.
What can the community do to
better support the healthy development of boys?
The community really needs to look at the pervasive messages
that we are sending to our boys about what it means to be men. We have to help them see themselves and
others as having the freedom to choose how they will interact with the larger
world. We also need to let boys know
that we appreciate them for who they are. Whether they are shy or gregarious, straight or gay, passive or
assertive, boys need to know that we love them and we are here to help them on
their journey.
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What Does It Mean to Be A Man?
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Walking Away
By Greg Morrill, age 40
My brother recently asked me what
seemed like a simple question. What does it mean to me to be a man?
When I was
a boy I knew the answer to that question; without hesitation I would have said,
"It was being strong, being a provider, not showing your emotions, protecting
your family, being powerful, being a rock."
I have been
thinking about this all day long. What does it mean to me to be a man, or to be
a boy, or to be male in this society? There are plenty of people who are more
then willing to fill in the blanks for you. Just look around and one of the prevailing ideas is to be powerful, and
many if not most equate that with being violent, whether physically or
emotionally.
I think we
all have violence in us; it is what we do with it that defines who we are. In
college I took a physical education class in the martial art of Judo where I
started to learn the true meaning of what it means to be powerful. And perhaps
even more importantly, that just because you have power doesn't mean you have to
use it. Judo came very natural to me and it came to me at a time when many
young men are really coming into a violent time in their lives.
What I
learned was that being powerful does not equate to being violent. Being
powerful means being willing to walk away, being secure enough in yourself that
you do not have to fight to prove yourself or save face. Certainly not seeking
violent situations out and definitely not being a bully or picking on someone
who may be in a weaker position then you. My personal belief is that sometimes
you do have to defend yourself, but only as a last resort.
What does
it mean to be a man? As I approach my 40th birthday, I don't think I
know the exact answer to this question. That rock has been worn down a little
around the edges and there has been a lot of weathering that has helped shape
my beliefs. Now a days I think it has something to do with loving yourself
enough to love someone else more, knowing yourself well enough to acknowledge
you don't know everything and that sometimes you make mistakes too, being smart
enough to learn from others, feeling strong enough to cry and not be
embarrassed, that being gentle does not equate with being weak.
On this day
that we honor our fathers, let us honor their softer sides, let's remember what
it is like to be held in strong arms and know we are loved.
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Annotated Bibliography
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Annotated
Bibliography
Crash Course for New Dads by Greg Bishop For
guys who don't read baby books, but want to be great dads, Crash Course for New Dads is the collective knowledge of over
200,000 new fathers; the real experts. Unlike other baby books, Crash Course for New Dads has only
what you need to know in easy-to-grasp lists, charts and tear-outs. The
highlights include the childbirth coaching guide, an essential guide to
childbirth and the Troubleshooters Guide to Crying Babies, an easy to use tool
for finding out why your baby is crying. This is comprehensive information for
dads-to-be at its best straight, concise and in a format that makes it easy to
use. The Modern Dad's Dilemma: How to
Stay Connected With Your Kids in a Rapidly Changing World by John Badalament More
is expected of dads today than ever before. Drawing on his experience working
with thousands of dads and families, John Badalament delivers a hands-on
approach to meeting the everyday challenges of modern fatherhood. Told through the stories of a diverse group
of fifteen real dads who have attended John Badalament's pioneering workshops, The
Modern Dad's Dilemma is filled with practical information, road-tested
activities, and key skills dads can put to use right away. The Book of Dads: Essays on the
Joys, Perils, and Humiliations of Fatherhood by Ben George At
turns humorous, irreverent, poignant and tender, The Book of Dads brings
together twenty well-known and beloved writers on the subject of fatherhood,
offering fathers-or anyone who has been or loved a parent-unrivaled insights
into the complexity of fatherhood as it's experienced now. It is a literary
reader for the contemporary dad, hip and on point, but with an eye toward
becoming a classic for readers return to again and again. Wisdom of our Fathers: Lessons
and Letters from Daughters and Sonsby Tim Russert This book is for all
fathers, young or old, who can learn from the men in these pages how to get it
right, and to understand that sometimes it is the little gestures that
can make the big difference for your child. For some in this book, the
appreciation came later than they would have liked. But as Wisdom of Our
Fathers reminds us, it is never too late to embrace it. Men Can: The Changing Image and
Reality of Fatherhood in Americaby Don Unger Fatherhood is evolving in America.
Stay at home dads are becoming more commonplace; men are becoming more visible
in domestic, care-giving activities. In Men Can, writer,
teacher, and father Donald Unger uses his personal experiences, stories of
real-life families, as well as representations of fathers in film, on
television, and in advertising, to illuminate the role of men in the
increasingly fluid domestic sphere. In thoughtful interviews, Don Unger tells
the stories of a half dozen families-of varied ethnicities, geographical
locations, and philosophical orientations-in which fathers are either primary
or equally sharing parents, personalizing what is changing in how Americans
care for their children. These stories are complemented by a discussion of how
the language of parenting has evolved and how media representations of fathers
have shifted over several decades.
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