News from Adoption Support and Preservation

TN Adoption Support and Preservation's monthly e-newsletter

January, 2010

Adoption Support and Preservation (ASAP) provides support for Tennessee's adoptive families. To make a referral, call toll-free 1-888-848-2727, or visit www.tnasap.org.

ASAP Regional Coordinator Contact Information

East TN: Contact the Center for Adoption Research and Education, 1-888-848-2727
Middle TN: Jan Clifton - Catholic Charities, (615) 352-3087; [email protected]

West TN: Michael McDonald - Agape, (901) 323-3600; [email protected]

Doing the Best They Can with What They've Got

In every therapy session, there are "head" moments and there are "heart" moments. Recently, sitting across the table from a father, I felt a heart moment approaching. I shared with him my memory of sitting with him, his wife, and his adopted teen daughter as they discussed some choices she had made, choices her parents felt were quite poor since they involved lying, avoiding caring family members, and lax boundaries with boys. These same choices were adamantly supported by their daughter, who defended them as necessary and "not a big deal". As I listened to the opposing sides, I saw through to the heart of the daughter - a brief glimpse, for that heart was usually so carefully guarded. Nevertheless, I saw it! A scared little child in a teen body on the verge of tears, exasperated, saying, "What do you want from me? I am trying the very best I can with the very best of what I've got."

As I recalled this memory for the girl's father, I sat ready for him to tell me that I was being manipulated, or that my expectations were too low for her, but, instead, he smiled thoughtfully and told me that he could see it, too. Then, the mother expressed that she could see this feeling in her son while he sat in speech therapy with his little head in his hand, his face frustrated and exasperated. His brain wanted so badly to just say that word, that word that was so easy for everyone else. But his brain just did not have the usual pathways that are necessary to create those easily vocalized words, a skill most of us take for granted. While one child was verbally disabled, the other was relationally disabled. Earnestly, she stated that she wanted to be able to "see" her daughter's efforts, the same way she was able to see her son's.

So, what is it that makes a relational disability so hard to see? There could be many reasons, such as the absence of an obvious physical disability marker that alerts us. Usually, we are better able to make accommodations for difficulties we can see. Or, it could be the fact that we take our own relational abilities, and their origins, for granted. Our relational skills develop over time, through experiences with our significant caregivers and other important people in our lives. They develop so slowly and gradually that we are not usually conscious of their formation. Therefore, we view them, and the moral development that accompanies them, as innate rather than acquired.

However, a more important barrier to our understanding is the relational assault that comes in the form of a lie, sabotage, avoidance, or stolen property - assaults that so often occur when hurt children switch into survival mode. When children come from backgrounds of neglect or abuse, they are likely to have severe relational deficits. They do not speak the same fluent relational language that a securely attached individual does. For most of us, relationships are our oxygen. We are tied to the people around us and seek support and refueling when we need it. We try to avoid relational assaults, because they disrupt our oxygen supply. But, for relationally disabled children, relationships feel like a noxious gas that makes them choke.

When two needs are so opposed, how can the language of one be translated for the other's understanding? First, it is the parent's role to be the translator. Secondly, when relational assaults occur, parents need to breathe through their own hurt and find a way to process them, so that they can maintain their roles as parents. We are all human and can become hurt or "triggered", so self-care and emotional outlets are paramount to our well-being as parents.

It can be incredibly liberating to find a way to see the disability that is causing all the ruckus for what it really is, a relational deficit. Much like a speech problem that is the symptom of a difference in brain structure, relational disability can also be caused by a brain structure deficit. Neither deficit is intentional; both require accommodation, compassion, and continued patience. Relationally disabled children are doing the best they can with the very best of what they've got. With faith, compassion, patience, and persistence, parents can help these children "get" a little more.

Emily Anderson, LPC - MHSP

ASAP Clinical Supervisor, Middle TN Region

Finding Our Children Unconditional Support (FOCUS)

Each month, ASAP's e-newsletter features a child who is in full guardianship of the state of Tennessee. There are hundreds of unclaimed children in Tennessee who currently have no prospect of a forever family. Our calling is to find families willing to open their hearts and homes to these children. To view this month's featured child, click here. (3.0 minutes in length).

What makes adopting in Tennessee unique? Our Adoption Support & Preservation program - ASAP - is a gift of comprehensive counseling and support services. We will walk with you through the challenges and joys adoption can bring. Will you be the promise of family for one of these children? Please visit www.parentachild.org to learn more about other waiting children in Tennessee.