"There are no accidents; God's just trying to remain anonymous."  ~ author unknown
 
Often, those of us working in the Adoption Support and Preservation program are amazed by the way some of our kids and their adoptive families have come together.  They have come from such different backgrounds.  These children have usually come from circumstances of neglect, or physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.  They've seen so much in their short lives, things no child should see.  They have had to learn to take care of themselves, to protect themselves by lying, manipulating others, avoiding conflict, and fighting.  They have come from chaos and unpredictability.  They may feel it is an accident that they have landed in this new family.  They may perceive that they are now expected to behave perfectly in order to be taken care of; they must always be respectful and give up control.  They may believe that now they must forget their birth families and let go of the past.  They often feel like they don't fit in.
 
The truth is, underneath all their armor, these children often feel as though they don't fit in anywhere.  They believe that's the reason they're no longer with their birth families.  They long for the connection they believe could only exist with that missing family.
 
But, then, as therapists and loving parents help them begin to discover who they are and make sense of their experiences and traumas, they can begin to see that they are not, in fact, that different from the family who has "claimed" them, or wants to claim them, as their child.  They can begin to see that they have quite a lot in common, after all.  Their adoptive parents are also looking for a connection, for a child to love.  They, too, may have had a similar journey toward adoption, beginning in their own childhoods.  It is through patience, perseverance, and a great deal of understanding that adoptive parents facilitate their child's connection and sense of belonging, of "fitting in".  In the end, it becomes clear that this child's coming to this family was meant to be.  This was no accident.