Tonya* had been neglected as a child and had taken on the role of caretaker for her two siblings, one younger and one nearly a year older.  Tonya learned a set of skills for self-protection and survival that she should not have had to learn at her young age.  She learned that standing up for her siblings meant being abused, both verbally and physically.  The iron imprint on her arm is one of the visible scars she bears, but it's the emotional scars that have been most difficult for her to overcome.  Tonya was a little girl growing up too fast.
 
Tonya's survival skills became second nature for her.  Taking blows, scavenging the refrigerator and pantry for food to feed her siblings while sometimes going without herself - Tonya was learning to be independent, all the while storing up anger.  
 
After 11 years of this type of life and after her adoption, Tonya was referred to ASAP because of her violent behavior toward her older sister and defiance of her adoptive mother.  
 
Tonya is a highly intelligent girl.  She does well in school and at work, but not at home, where she should feel safe and loved.  When I spoke with her, she was pleasant and nice; she could recognize her problems and was willing to engage in solutions.  But, ultimately, in the heat of the moment, Tonya would default back to the skill she knew best, fighting for herself.    
 
I asked this 16 year-old how old she felt in her own mind, and her reply was 25.  We discussed the 9 year difference between that number and her actual age, and she understood it. She said she felt ready to be on her own but felt trapped and unable to be the independent person she knew she could be. 
 
I asked Tonya how she thought she could successfully navigate the next two years, until she turned eighteen,  being both 16 and 25.  She had no answer for this.  I suggested, "Why don't you two, your 16 year-old self and your 25 year-old self, become friends?" 
 
So here we are, working with 16 year-old Tonya, helping her to become friends with her image of what 25 year-old Tonya would be like, in order to help them become chronologically and emotionally harmonious.   Tonya is working toward this objective by writing letters between her 16 year-old and 25 year-old "selves".  In the end, the goal we hope to accomplish is that 16 year-old Tonya and 25 year-old Tonya will join forces and emerge together into adulthood.  Wish us luck. 
 
Unfortunately, we see this type of occurrence in many of the adoptive children we serve; they have had to grow up too fast.  If you are an adoptive parent reading this, please remember how important it is to let your child be a child, and to recreate those lost years and experiences whenever the opportunity arises. 
 
by Willie Holcomb, LCSW
 
* In order to protect her identity, "Tonya's" name has been changed.