Dear Harlan,

Last year, I became involved with a guy at my school. At first I had a crush on him, and let him take my virginity (I felt like I was the only 19-year-old virgin left). But as I kept sleeping with him, I realized I never would like him again in THAT way because he's a complete jerk. But I enjoy the sex. Lately he's become very violent toward me when we have sex. He'll slap me, choke me, call me names and basically beat me up. During sex he becomes a completely different person. The last encounter I had with him left me with a black eye. I enjoy the physicality with him, but I can't keep explaining random bruises on my body. Help!

  Roughed Up

 

Dear Roughed Up,

A first sexual experience should be about hugs and kisses, not slaps and choking. The idea that your first real connection with sex has been so violent, disrespectful and demeaning is frightening. This isn't normal. Don't make this the norm. Intimacy doesn't involve black eyes and bruises. Tell him in the clearest terms that it's over. Send him a written message making it clear (keep a record). His violent tendencies and disrespect for women might become a problem once you end this. If you find that you can't stay away, get help. Not only is he physically assaulting you, it's emotionally bruising. Find a man who respects you. You'll be shocked to discover that sex can be just as exciting without name-calling, asphyxiation and slapping.