Dear Readers,
A few weeks ago, I ran a letter from a friend who was sharing the benefit of having sex with a friend void of commitment. It wasn't working, and she wanted to go back to being just friends. I said it can't work. It seems like it can work on some rare occasions. The following letters are a testament to it working and it not working:
Dear Harlan,
Regarding friends with benefits: I agree, generally speaking, that you can't go back to being just friends after being lovers. But to every rule there are exceptions. One of my closest friends is a woman named "Rose." I've known her since my early 20s. Wealways had a lot in common, and after several years as just friends, we began to notice a bit of an attraction. So, we spent a night together. It didn't work. We were utterly incompatible sexually. Nothing. Total blah. No sparks whatsoever. So we went back to being friends. Successfully. That one night never gets mentioned, and truthfully I hadn't even thought of it for a long time until your recent column reminded me. We are exactly as we were before. So, yes, men and women CAN be just friends. (I think "When Harry Met Sally" is total B.S.) And you CAN go back to being friends after being lovers, with no change in the relationship. I realize that we probably are an exception, but then it only takes one exception to disprove a blanket statement.
FWB No More
Dear FWB,
You say that men and women can just be friends, but you had sex with your friend? So, men and women can be friends, but only if they have sex once and realize the sex is so awful that they're better off just being friends?
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Dear Harlan,
Regarding that recent letter about friends with benefits, I had that 20 years ago. My co-worker and I were together for a couple of years and then decided to stop. We are still friends and have never talked about it since then. Yes, it may not work for everyone, but in our case, it has.
No More FWB
Dear No More FWB,
It's working now, but you can't be sure that you're in the clear. There's a chance that this could come up in the future. Someone could break his or her silence. Having two years of sex together makes you more than just friends to other people who find out. And if you're still working together and someone gets promoted, this could mean working under or above a former lover. And that could get tricky.
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Dear Harlan,
FWB didn't work for me. My FWB partner fell in love with me, which made the idea of "No Strings Attached" a major problem. I tried my best to handle the situation without hurting her feelings, but she got hurt. That created a different problem. FWB is a two-headed monster that can get away from you if don't keep it simple and to the point. It's about sex - that's it. I know this may sound shallow. But that is why FWB works.
FWB no More
Dear FWB,
It's never just about sex. There's always a relationship that happens before and after the sex. One person typically feels a deeper connection and gets strung along. Once sex happens, people are tied together for life - making no strings attached nearly impossible.
