Dear Harlan,

My friend is in a controlling relationship. I have told her that her boyfriend is controlling, but she doesn't believe me. She needs to break up with him, but she's just in denial. I don't know what to do - help!

 

Worried

 

Dear Worried,

She's not going to break up with him just because you tell her. It's too good for her to give up - at least, that's how she sees it. The frustrating problem with people in controlling (or abusive) relationships is that they often are the last people to see it. Controllers (and abusers) are masterful manipulators. They systematically build partners up and then tear them down. Along the way, they isolate partners so no one else can interfere. Your job is to listen to her, love her, talk to her and never allow her to push you away. Check out the site www.LoveisRespect.org. Read about the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. See which ones she exhibits. Then approach her in private during a calm moment. Explain what specifically concerns you. Direct her to the website and National Dating Abuse Hotline at: 866-331-9474. Don't tell her to break up - instead explain why you're worried and ask her to demand the respect she deserves. If things get worse or dangerous, turn to adults at school and confidentially ask them to intervene. Your friend might need professional help.