Dear Harlan,

My whole life I've always had a hard time making friends. When I make them, I always end up in a group of three, later becoming the odd friend out. It happened in middle school, in high school and now in my second year of college. I thought my luck had changed when I met my current best friend last year. She had another friend whom she spoke of often. We all started having lunch together and, before long, I was in another trio of friends. We kept in touch over the summer and had a wonderful reunion in the fall. This past fall, they lived together and I lived on the other end of campus, where I started having problems with my roommate and suitemates. They supported me through it. Last year we talked about the possibility of moving in together off campus. Now they're telling me that they don't think it's a good idea for me to be the third roommate. They have other friends in mind. I don't want to risk the friendship by accusing them of doing something wrong, but I'm not sure I can be their friend when I'm feeling so horrible about myself and this relationship. I've gone through a lot as it is - and a lot of roommates and suitemates - so my faith in the housing system and my trust in my own befriending skills is gone. I don't know what to say or do.

Odd Roommate Out

 

Dear Odd Roommate Out,

They might be doing you a big favor. Suppose you lived with them and there was a problem. Would it be possible to tell you without you feeling like you've been ganged up on? Or do you think you've been so hurt in the past that you might not be able to handle their honest feedback? Trust that they want to keep you as a friend. Ask them why they think you wouldn't be the best roommate. You might discover something that surprises you - that is, if you're willing to listen and learn. As for making new friends, find a part-time job on campus, volunteer and get involved in organized activities with more people. If none of this helps relieve the horrible feelings, enlist the help of a therapist. There might be something bigger happening here.