Dear Harlan,

I've taken your suggestions about taking risks to heart and have a question. When it comes to taking risks and giving people permission to reject me, what is the difference between coming off as being self-confident and coming off as being arrogant following the rejection? It seems arrogant to act as if I don't care what people think and dismiss their feelings. If I'm interested in someone enough to approach that person, I can't pretend it doesn't hurt to get rejected. How can I be confident but not arrogant?

Looking for Love

 

Dear Looking,

Arrogant people pretend that they don't care. Confident people care and make it clear that they care. They can admit that it's disappointing to not get what they want and still keep trying to get it. Confident people are open to hearing the truth because they can handle the truth - arrogant people can't. Arrogant people are so painfully insecure and consumed with running from the truth that they can't handle hearing the truth. It's easy to confuse confidence with arrogance, especially if you're not confident. Want to know if someone is confident or arrogant? See if that person is willing to listen to you when you say no. If that person isn't or pretends not to care, that's arrogance. If you're afraid of being looked at as arrogant when searching for a date, avoid shutting down when you don't get what you want. Instead, engage that person after he or she doesn't give you what you want. Show that you're comfortable with the uncomfortable. Show that you're comfortable hearing uncomfortable things.  Confident people can handle the ugly truth. Arrogant people can't.