Dear Harlan

My longtime boyfriend has a friend whom I cannot respect. This guy watches people, waiting for the opportunity to make snide comments. He thinks very highly of himself and speaks poorly of others in front of them and behind their backs! It would be tolerable if my boyfriend didn't mimic his behavior. A few people in our circle recognize the nasty behavior, but my boyfriend thinks I'm too sensitive and only sees his friend as funny, enjoyable company. I don't want to be around such an ugly personality, what can I do? 

Disgusted

Dear Disgusted,

You can't pick his friends. You can pick them apart and let him know that he should be careful who he chooses to hang out with, but it's his choice. Help him see that people who behave like his friend really don't think highly of themselves - it's a big act. Any man who has to make himself feel like more of a person by making other people feel like less isn't much of a man. I understand why insecure people like to do this - the more they focus on everyone else's flaws, the less time everyone else has to focus on that person's flaws. So, while you can't pick his friends, you can point out these qualities to your boyfriend and spell out exactly why they bother you. You also can mention that you're worried that others might associate his friend's insensitive behavior with him (it happens). As for you being around this particular friend, a group gathering with this guy isn't something you can avoid (nor should you), but you don't have to go on a double date and sit across the table from him, either.