News from PA Psychological Association

Welcome...
This edition's theme is Young People and Sex. We have a message for those who are questioning their sexuality, a message for parents about how to talk to children about sex, and research-based information about gay youth.

Please let us know if you find this information helpful by sending an email to our E-Newsletter Committee at mevans@papsy.org.
We welcome your comments.

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How to Talk to Children about Sex

Marolyn Morford, Ph.D.

Sex is a topic we often avoid talking about at any age. Creating a comfortable atmosphere in which it can be discussed, however, is an important part of parenting and can make a big difference in a child's life.

When should I tell my child about sex?

There is no one right time or right statement to make to your child about sexuality - this is a long-term conversation that a wise parent begins early. Like social and language development, sexual development begins at birth and continues throughout our lifespan. Attitudes about sex and sexuality develop early on, too, and are influenced partly by our biology and partly by our relationships and experiences with other people.

Perhaps the better question is:

When can I help my child understand her body?

Chances are, you've already started that conversation. From the moment you teach your child the names of body parts (the true anatomical names) such as nose, ear, toe, elbow, as well as penis, labia, breast, or testicles, you are helping your child to understand his body and preparing him for that phase of physical development when sex, as adults understand it, plays a bigger role.

Equally important, your child will have questions, too, that you might feel uncomfortable answering. Responding, though, can be easier than you might think: give only as much information as you think your child will understand. Often, less is more: children are typically satisfied with one sentence and then they are off onto some other topic. Remember, this is a long-term conversation. You don't have to give the whole story at once; you will have a lot of opportunities.

If I talk to my children about sex, won't that mean I'm encouraging them to have sex?

Many people believe that teaching children about sex encourages them to have sex or have sex earlier, but this belief is not supported by research. With good, accurate information, children are not surprised by the chatter of other children on the subject and prefer to seek information from their own parents if those parents have been a reliable source from the beginning. These children may be better prepared to rebuff inappropriate invitations to explore things they already know about and to let the parent know about these invitations, since the topic is a familiar one for conversation with the parent.

My young son and his friend were 'caught' looking at each other in his room, is that normal? What can I expect at this age?

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Coming Out

with Love and Honesty

Michele Angello, Ph.D.

Coming out as anything other than heterosexual takes a lot of guts. And, considering the recent increase in reporting of young people committing suicide because of their orientation, we need to begin talking more openly and honestly about ways to come out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Sadly, these tragic stories are similar: 18-year-old Tyler Clementi commits suicide in New Jersey after being outed by two fellow students, and 19-year-old Aiyisha Hassan takes her life after reports that she was struggling with her sexual orientation. These are two of the seven recent suicides reported that occurred within five weeks of one another.

Acceptance

But, rather than focus on these horrific accounts, I think it is imperative that we look at ways to support people of all ages to accept themselves. As someone who works with people who are coming out, my preference is to reframe these incidents into teachable moments in hopes of avoiding more heartbreaking stories. So if you're reading this and you're wondering about your own orientation, great. If you're reading this because you want to understand the unique challenges that gay, lesbian, bisexual, and queer people experience, that's wonderful, because allies are crucial.

As you're considering coming out, the first question to ask is, Do I accept myself? If you don't have a resounding Yes response to that, it might be helpful to do some research and find support. Coming out in a vacuum is lonely and tends to unnecessarily prolong the process.

If you don't feel ready to talk with your close friends or family, find an affirmative therapist, clergy, online support group, or community center. It sounds like a cliche, but self-acceptance is critical here. Don't consider your orientation to be the thing that you are struggling to accept about yourself. Think of it as a part of yourself you simply have yet to understand. You may think this is a circuitous route to take, but I encourage people to read books like The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz that have nothing to do with sexual orientation, but speak to issues of making assumptions about other peoples reactions and encouraging tips about how not to take things personally. It takes resilience to come out, so it is good to do this general self-esteem work beforehand.

Sharing

When you feel like you're ready for the next step in coming out, give thought to who the lucky person is going to be who will receive this information about you. I mean that, seriously. If you present this profound awareness about yourself as a burden or something negative, it is almost guaranteed that it will be taken that way by all whom you tell. You certainly don't want to be overzealous when sharing this, but don't be ashamed. After all, you've done some hard work to get here and you should take pride in that.

Remember, you have no control over how people react to your news. Sometimes when we receive information for which we have little or no knowledge, we respond with anger, fear, frustration or other expressions that are unsupportive. Here's the part that may seem strange-after you come out to family members or close friends for the first time, you have to make sure that you don't respond defensively no matter what is said. Of course, if you are being berated or fear for your safety, leave immediately. But, more often than not, people respond with shock and tend to say things that they usually do not mean. If you are able to respond lovingly and understand that they have their own coming out process (remember, it has taken you a long time to get to this point, so it would be unrealistic to assume that everyone else can instantly jump on board) it can be very helpful to them, and ultimately, to you.

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The Positive Lives of
Ken Cohen

Gay Teens

Kenneth M. Cohen, Ph.D. &

Ritch C. Savin-Williams, Ph.D.

The general public has great misperceptions about the lives of gay teens.

Savin-Williams The recent tragic deaths of several teens

who were gay, or believed to be so, have received national media attention that once again reminds us of the unrelenting pain and desperation that we believe characterize their lives. Although for some same-sex attracted youth this is true, such overgeneralizations paint a picture that is far more bleak and negative than is the case. Worse, they convey the mistaken message that suicide is an expected, even inevitable, outcome of being young and gay.

Scientific research simply does not support this portrait. Rather, many youth with same-sex attractions are proud, enjoy life, and, by most accounts, appear to be quite ordinary. In fact, there has never been a better time to be young and gay.

Growing up Gay

Most adults would be surprised to discover that their knowledge about growing up as a gay person in America is outdated and inconsistent with many current facts. Whereas only a small proportion of adolescents identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual (2% to 3%), five to six times as many young adults report that they had some degree of same-sex sexuality (attractions, behaviors, fantasies) during high school.

Research based on the full spectrum of same-sex sexuality reveals that most youth with same-sex fascination, crushes, or eroticism recall these from early childhood. They believe they did not choose their sexuality and cannot change it. Moreover, if given the choice, they would elect to maintain their sexuality. This information is consistent with a growing body of scientific studies supporting the biological origins of sexual orientation.

As early as elementary or middle school, today's youth recognize their sexual attractions and disclose them to friends who, as a group, accept and support sexual diversity. By a large majority, these young people endorse same-sex marriage, gays in the military, and gay rights. They also overwhelmingly believe it is wrong to attack someone because of her or his sexuality.

The social lives of same-sex attracted youth are frequently quite active. Although some worry that they will lose friends when they disclose their sexuality, the first response of peers is usually positive, sometimes even celebratory. Far from being social loners, gay youth establish deep, nurturing friendships and do not differ from straight peers in their number of friends or their connectedness and closeness to them. Instead, many are quite popular and make significant contributions to their school and community.

Gay youth are also more likely to befriend "low status" peers who are rejected for traits considered undesirable by other youth, such as appearing smart, heavy, unattractive, different, ability challenged, or racially/ethnically diverse.

Many same-sex attracted youth report having limited high school opportunities for sexual and romantic connection, though increasingly Internet sites offer possibilities. Similar to their heterosexual counterparts, they arrive at college ready for romance, but may have to play "catch up" as they develop skills straight peers acquired years earlier.

Same-sex attracted youth report similar levels of closeness to parents. Most come out while in high school or college to parents who often react better than many youth expect. Even initial, negative reactions frequently turn neutral or positive over time. Only a fraction of gay youth are outright rejected or thrown out of the home.

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How to Talk with Children, continued...

Young children, below 5 years, express curiosity about everything around them. Why is it a surprise to us when they express just as much curiosity about themselves and others? This is a time of great mastery over their bodies as they learn to crawl, to walk, to feed themselves, sleep independently, to use the toilet, and to care for their basic needs. They want to explore, compare, name, and understand the body's function - how does all this work? They may peek at others, and will show little shyness of their own bodies around others. Children may explore gender roles -- a boy may wear his mother's shoes, a girl may pretend to urinate like her brother-- or girls and boys may be found self-stimulating or exploring others during these years. This is normal.

Parents play an important role at this stage by helping children understand their bodies, how to establish their own privacy, and to respect that of others. It is very important that adults do not mistake young children's exploration for adult sexuality: children's behavior and motivation are qualitatively different from that of adults.

How can I talk about sex to my preteen and teenager?

As children get older, they will become more private about some of their exploratory behaviors which are more overtly sexual, such as masturbation. They become more exposed to sexual behaviors and attitudes found in movies, TV shows, the Internet, and even the school bus. It becomes all the more important that parents continue the conversation about sexuality, inviting opinions on topics: "What do you think about ____?" And keep in mind, sometimes sexuality doesn't develop the way we think it "should." Approximately 2-3% of the young adults in any population will not consider themselves heterosexual. It is important to keep the conversation open.

When adults talk honestly, are open to talking about children's sexual development and provide reliable information, the results are lower rates of teenage pregnancy, abortions, and sexually transmitted infections.

Not only do you want children to take your values and see sex in a context of love and respect, you will also want them to see you as receptive to their own emerging values and ideas of who they are as sexual beings, so that you know the conversation will continue, when the consequences become even more important.

Starting this conversation early, creating a comfortable atmosphere for talking and questioning, and continuing it into young adulthood is an opportunity for growth of both child and parent.

If you have additional questions or worries about your child's sexual behavior or development, consult a child psychologist.

References:

National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior

Australian Children and Youth Health Agency

National Child Traumatic Stress Network

Marolyn Morford, Ph.D., is a developmental and clinical psychologist, licensed in Pennsylvania. For more information about her or links to other topics related to children, visit www.ccad-pa.com.

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Coming Out, continued...

Help for Friends and Family Members

It can take time for people to come around, so be patient. Offer them resources and be open to talking to them about their feelings. Parents often feel a sense of loss when a child (no matter how old) comes out. This is very common, and is usually more a sense of losing their perception of the child's future relationship, wedding, childbearing, and all of the other traditional expectations people have for their children. When they are ready, it might be useful to connect them to support groups for parents (PFLAG is a national organization that facilitates such groups for family and friends).

Conclusion

The goal is for you to find happiness and feel authentic. Accepting your orientation can be challenging, but it can also be a fantastic exercise in helping you to be more tolerant not only of yourself, but ideally, of the immeasurable diversity that there is among all people.

Michele Angello, Ph.D. is a consultant specializing in issues of gender and sexual orientation. She is on the board of directors for the Philadelphia area Main Line Youth Alliance and the Renaissance Transgender Association.

Resources:
PFLAG (Parents, Friends, and Families of Lesbians and Gays)
GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network): www.glsen.org
GSA Network (Gay Straight Alliance Network):

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Positive Lives, continued...

Mental Health

Research shows that the mental health of gay and straight youth is quite similar. Same-sex attracted youthare similar to straight youth in terms of number of negative life events (though perhaps qualitatively different), personality characteristics (except they rate higher on openness to new experience), and self-esteem.

Although some studies find that gay-identified youth report greater depression, anxiety, and suicide attempts than do straight youth, proportionally these characterize a small minority of same-sex attracted youth. More noteworthy, there is no evidence that gay youth die by suicide at greater rates.

There is growing recognition that factors other than same-sex attractions place youth at risk for mental health problems. Chief among them is transgressing gender boundaries in behavior and interests. Gender nonconformity is the impetus for verbal and physical harassment meted out by a small number of bullies who often attack peers, regardless of sexuality, who appear unduly feminine (boys) or masculine (girls). These bullies also torment many others whom they consider different, fragile, and of low status.

Conclusion

Not all teens are the same: To characterize same-sex attracted youth as if they all have the same life experiences obscures the tremendous diversity in their everyday lives, including their mental health. It also fails to account for individual differences in resilience related to temperament, gender conformity, social support, and coping strategies.

Many teens share common concerns: Gay youth find general acceptance and understanding among their peers. The primary concerns of gay youth are often typical developmental issues that similarly worry same-age peers: They fret about academics, establishing independence from parents, and finding sex and romance.

Family and community are important: Many gay youth thrive within a peer culture that views same-sex sexuality as a normal variant of other-sex sexuality and thus accepts and nurtures themùor simply treats them as ordinary.

Expect health, but be ready to help: With exceptions, same-sex attracted youth are likely to be just as healthy as their heterosexual counterparts. Too often we fail to recognize their amazing facility to adjust, thrive, and lead exceptionally ordinary lives. Nevertheless, we must not neglect the subset of same-sex attracted youth who are at risk for mental health problems and provide them with greater care, support, and resources.

The Future

With increasing numbers of youth proclaiming their nonheterosexual status, the time has come to redirect our attention away from pathology toward normative development in order to understand the assets, resiliency, and complexity that render some same-sex oriented youth remarkably athletic, creative, artistic, versatile, assertive, stylish, witty, and sensitive.

For more information, see Savin-Williams, R.C. (2005). The new gay teenager. Harvard University Press, MA. Or visit the Cornell University Sex & Gender Lab.

Kenneth M. Cohen, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist at Cornell Universit's Counseling and Psychological Services, specializing in gay, lesbian, and bisexual issues. He is a lecturer in Cornell's Department of Human Development and co-editor of The Lives of Lesbians, Gays, and Bisexuals: Children to Adults.

Ritch C. Savin-Williams, Ph.D., is professor of developmental psychology and chair of Human Development at Cornell University. His books on sexual minorities include, The New Gay Teenager (2005) and Mom, Dad. I'm Gay: How Families Negotiate Coming Out (2001). He is currently investigating the spectrum of sexual development among straight-identified and sexually fluid young men.

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