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Psychologically Healthy Workplace Award
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highlights PA organi-zations and that promote both psychological and physical health in the workplace. PPA honors chosen organizations that expend the extra energy to create innovative programs to enhance the work environment of its workers, including... Training and development programs,
Employee assistance programs,
Exercise areas and day care facilities,
And other innovative programs. The award spotlights the connection between the work environment and
- satisfaction,
- productivity,
- employee development,
- organizational effectiveness,
- profitability.
Benefits from receiving this award include...
*Recognition that your business/ organization provides a healthy workplace environment,*Recognition that your employees are being given a healthy environment in which to demonstrate their skills and be productive,*Recognition that you are working to make a difference in the workplace for your employees, and to attract the kinds of people you are looking for,*An edge in retaining employees because of the caring workplace you have created,*Recognition that can be shared with customers/clients and potential employees.
Apply on-line before January 15, 2011
Questions? Call Rachael L. Baturin 717-232-3817
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Free Speakers for Your Organization
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PPA members are willing to provide free talks for your
business, club or
organization.
In recent years psychologists have given public lectures on topics such as:
Stress
Resilience
Depression
Communication
Motivation Body/Mind Divorce
Of course, there are literally scores of topics that can be chosen for your talk. A typical
presentation may last 30-45 minutes with about 15 minutes for questions and answers. We would request that your audience includes at least 10 persons. For more information, please contact Marti Evans at Pennsylvania Psychological Association.
717-232-3817 This service is being offered as part of the joint mission of the Pennsylvania Psychological Association and theAmerican Psychological Association to advance public knowledge of the field of psychology. | |
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Welcome...
to our September issue of Psychological News You Can Use -- Forgiveness and Apology.
The theme for this issue is the benefit of forgiveness -- why it's a good idea, steps to take, how to do it in a close relationship, and how to begin to teach children these important ideas.
Please feel free to send this newsletter to anyone you know who might benefit from it.
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Make Healing Happen by Practicing Forgiveness Pauline Wallin, Ph.D.
Have you ever been deeply hurt or betrayed? Of course you have. And you know how hard it is to forgive, especially when the other person does not seem to be truly sorry.
So what are your options? 1. You can stay angry. You may even plot your revenge. At least you're doing something rather than caving in as a "victim." And anger can make you feel strong for the moment. But, there's a big downside to staying angry. It is much harder on you -- physically as well as emotionally -- than on the person who wronged you. Chronic or recurring anger causes stress, which can raise your blood pressure, wear down your immune system, and make you depressed and anxious. Meanwhile, the person who hurt you may or may not be feeling much stress at all.
2. You could say, "I can forgive, but I can't forget." But what does that mean, really? The desire for revenge may be gone. But each time you "remember" the incident you re-live the hurt and anger over and over. In other words, you haven't really let go of it. The bitterness and resentment will continue to eat away at you, and you risk compromising your health, as described above. 3. You decide to forgive. Yes, decide. Forgiveness is an active decision. While the simple passage of time lessens your anger toward some people's actions, it won't help much in getting over hurt and betrayal by those with whom you have a deep emotional attachment -- spouse, family members, close friends.
Forgiveness does not generally materialize on its own. You need to make a conscious decision and a commitment to forgive. Nor does forgiveness happen in a flash or in a moment of insight. It's a gradual process that takes time.
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 Forgiving Others
David R. Leaman, Ed.D.
"I just can't forget what they did to me and I will never forgive them." Such intense words express the deep pain of betrayal or victimization from cruel actions of others. But these words also convey resentment that hinders healing and personal freedom.
Health benefit: There is considerable medical research indicating that sustained resentful feelings and hostility contribute to coronary heart disease and other health problems.Some psychologists have documented that not forgiving prevents individuals from emotional healing and moving forward with their lives. Resentment can be like a cancer that destroys us. "Bitterness harms the vessel in which it is stored more than the one on whom it is poured"(unknown citation).
Emotional and social benefit: "Why should I forgive someone who does not even care that s/he devastated my life?" There are personal and social benefits to forgiveness, including reduced anxiety. Those who forgive show a greater emotional well-being compared to individuals who do not. People who learn to forgive become more free and capable of helping others.
Psychologists define forgiveness with slightly different words, but there is considerable agreement about the major components of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Some people think that in order to forgive, you have to forget or blank out the past.Forgiveness is not pretending that painful offenses did not occur but choosing to recall the past in a different way.It does not mean excusing wrong actions or ignoring justice.
Continued...
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Children and Apologies
Marolyn Morford, Ph.D.
Is telling a child to say "sorry" really that important? One child accidentally knocks down a playmate's construction, another steals a video game player from a store, and a third child calls her mother a name and tries to hit her in anger. While each of these children may need different consequences, one thing they all need to do is apologize. When you teach a child to apologize you give a simple lesson that can reap powerful, widespread benefits for a child's linguistic, social, and moral development.
Giving children the opportunity to apologize is important in two ways: we teach them about the power of language and about how undesired actions can be undone. Teaching children how to apologize is one of many skills children need in order to develop a moral sense of their place and responsibility in a community.
The power of a word: "Sorry"
Q: How early can I ask a child to apologize? A: As soon as s/he is using recognizable words.
Having children apologize expands their understanding of what words alone can do. Saying "I'm sorry" is one of those interesting language events called a speech act. Unlike much of language ("I think I'll have the grilled cheese," "My nose is itchy"), this type of speech act accomplishes something. Stating "I now pronounce you husband and wife" passes someone into the state of matrimony; by saying "I declare you guilty as charged," a judge changes a person's legal status from "innocence" to "guilt." By making an apology, one changes the state of a relationship, away from hurt and mistrust to a more positive feeling. Learning to apologize plants the seed for children to understand how words alone can do many things for good and for ill.
Undoing:
Q: Is it wrong to have a child apologize even if s/he doesn't seem to mean it?
A: Absolutely not!
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 Revenge, Chocolate, or Forgiveness?
Anger and thoughts of delicious retaliation cause your brain, when scanned, to light up in a similar pattern to someone eating chocolate. Long before neuroimaging, we understood, " Revenge is a dessert best served cold." Neuroscientists have also demonstrated that we're all hard-wired for both justice and revenge. If that's all there were to human nature, "World War IV," to quote Albert Einstein, " will be fought with sticks and stones." Moving from the world stage to the personal relationship is the universal experience of being hurt by (or hurting) someone you love. Then what? Revenge is a short-term strategy, unsuited for salvaging your relationship. Forgiveness is the better long-term strategy, for the sake of your relationship as well as for your own health (ongoing anger equals ongoing stress). It's rare that spouses, partners or family members who've hurt each other have a 100-0% split on the right and wrong side of an injury. Yet people often mount competitive defenses instead of offering apologies.
Feeling wronged results in a particular distortion: When you're convinced of the rightness of your position, you're far better at counting the stones that have hit you than the stones you've launched. I advise people to stop counting stones, and realize that in order to get a fair hearing, you're going to have to give one. What most of us want is atrue apology. If you've done harm, there are key steps to take to earn forgiveness. - Admit how you're wrong (even though it's not 100%). This "easier said than done" principle depends upon your ability for perspective taking, and your willingness to acknowledge the validity of your partner's position.
- Show remorse. It's the difference between showing that you feel sorry, and the pro forma words of a sham apology, "I'm sorry you felt that way," which is tantamount to saying, "Too bad you're so sensitive."
- Acknowledge the harmful, idiosyncratic, and sometimes irreversible consequences your loved one has endured. ·
- Relate with empathy over time, in deeds that are meaningful to the other.
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 Making Healing Happen, continued...
Why forgive? Forgiveness is good for you. As long as you hold on to a grudge, you keep yourself attached in an unhealthy way to the person who hurt you. Forgiveness can help you let go of that unhealthy attachment.
Forgiveness is better for your physical health as well. It de-stresses you. Recent research has shown physiological changes in the brain when you adopt an attitude of forgiveness. Studies have also found that forgiveness can help lower blood pressure, reduce depression and anxiety, increase self-esteem, and even save marriages.
When you decide to forgive and start taking active steps toward forgiveness, you may notice a bit of relief within a couple of days. Of course, the whole process will take time and effort, but at this early stage you won't feel so much like a prisoner of your own resentment.
Isn't forgiveness just condoning the other person's despicable actions? Forgiving someone does not imply that what was done was acceptable, nor that you should work toward reconciling the relationship. And if that person continues with hurtful behavior, forgiveness is not even appropriate.
But if the incident was in the past, you can choose to work on letting go of the bitterness that drains you of energy and robs you of present-day joy.
What does it mean to forgive? Forgiveness involves rising above your anger and your desire for revenge. It requires some feeling of compassion toward your wrong-doer, however small. You accomplish this partly through shifting your perspective in how you deal with the pain. Forgiveness is a very unselfish act, because much of the time the wrong-doer does not "deserve" it. But it is just as much a gift to yourself as to the other person.
How can I forgive when the person isn't even sorry? Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's about you and how you deal with your own feelings. It is easier to forgive someone who apologizes and begs for mercy, but it's not absolutely necessary. The Amish families whose children were killed during the 2006 school massacre in Nickel Mines in Lancaster County never got an apology from the shooter who committed suicide at the scene. But they did find some peace within themselves through their faith and through their decision to forgive the perpetrator.
You don't have control over the wrong-doer's motivations. You may never like or trust the person again. But you do have the capacity to detach yourself from the burden of your own anger.
How to forgive Forgiveness takes time. Think of the process as tearing down a huge wall, brick by brick. As you remove the bricks, the scenery will gradually change. You'll see things from a different perspective. The bad memories won't be erased, but with forgiveness they will blend into the total sum of your life experiences.
Here are some tips to help you begin the process: - Make a conscious decision to forgive, and write it down. You won't feel it yet. But your commitment will give you strength to start removing those bricks.
- Think about times when you behaved in an insensitive or cruel manner. Research has shown that people who engage in this exercise (particularly men) end up having more empathy for the person who hurt them, and have an easier time forgiving.
- Write a letter to the transgressor. Explain specifically and factually what the person said or did and how it made you feel. Avoid sarcasm and name-calling. After you write the letter, don't send it. The benefit comes from the fresh perspective you gain from having laid out the facts in an objective way.
- Try to find a "silver lining." How has this situation strengthened you? What did you learn from it? Was there something good that eventually came out of it? If you can't think of anything, complete the following sentence to yourself: "At least ..."
- Focus on what's going right in your life, despite what has happened in the past. Notice little things for which you are grateful. If you do this on a regular basis, your general attitude will improve. Negative memories will have less impact.
- If you are stuck in anger and a sense of futility about what has happened to you, speak to a psychologist.
Further Reading:
Enright, R. (2001). Forgiveness is a choice: A step-by-step process for resolving anger andrestoring hope. Wash., D.C.: American Psychological Association. Luskin, F. (2003). Forgive for good. Harper One. Borris-Dunchunstang, E. (2006). Finding forgiveness. McGraw Hill. Websites:
www.forgiveness web.com www.forgiving.org www.theforgivenessproject.com Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. is a psychologist and life coach in Camp Hill and author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior." Visit her Web site at www.drwallin.com
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Forgiving Others, continued...
Forgiveness is a choice, a difficult decision to give a gift of mercy to the offender. It is a process of letting go of resentment and revenge. One psychologist explains that forgiveness is "....emotional replacement..." in which compassion replaces resentment and changes our motives". To forgive is not just controlling your desire for revenge. Instead, it is deciding to express compassion and positive actions toward the offender. It is not primarily a feeling but an attitude that transforms our thoughts and actions.
How does one actually forgive?
Various psychologists and spiritual leaders have developed steps to forgive. One theory proposes four phases:
- Uncovering your anger
- Deciding to forgive
- Working on forgiveness
- Release from an emotional prison.
Another theory establishes five steps to forgiveness using the acronym REACH: - Recall the hurt
- Empathize
- Altruistic gift of forgiveness
- Commit publicly to forgive
- Hold onto forgiveness.
Forgiving is a learning process. It is not a quick solution but a careful, deliberate openness to move from resentment to compassion for the offender. All forgiveness begins with a willingness to face the hurt honestly and a decision to forgive. A psychologist can help you take the healing steps to forgive.
References
Enright, R. (2001). Forgiveness is a choice. Washington, D.C.:American Psychological Association.
Wallerstein, J.S., Lewis, J. & Blakeslee, S. (2000). The unexpected legacy of divorce. NewYork: Hyperion.
Williams, R. & Williams, V. (1993). Anger kills. New York: Times Books.
Worthington, E., Jr. (2003). Forgiving and reconciling. Downers Grove, IN: Intervarsity Press.
David Leaman, Ed.D., is a psychologist practicing in Waynesboro, Pennsylvania.
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By teaching children to apologize, and then to observe the results of that apology, we give them the opportunity to see that their own actions can undo another action. They learn, too, which actions can be reversed and which cannot, which is important social information. Sometimes simply saying the words "I'm sorry" can bring relief to both the doer and the person done to. If the child cannot apologize when asked, wait a while and request again. If the child still cannot say even a simple "sorry," make this a blockade for something else the child wants to do (watch tv, play video games, visit a friend).
In addition, sometimes more is necessary for a true apology. In this case, showing the other person how sorry one is can include doing something for the aggrieved party, such as helping to pick up the scattered toys, or if having stolen, giving the other child one's own toy or game (or giving the store owner the value of the object after returning it), or, if having offended a parent, doing a chore in the home the parent normally does. Learning how to undo a mistake empowers a child in a relationship: teaching how to preserve trust and to communicate regret.
So if you've been wondering about whether to push that "sorry," be confident that you are teaching your child about language, about relationships, and about morality -- and you won't be sorry.
References:
Kagan, J., and Lamb, S. (1990). The emergence of morality in young children. University of Chicago Press.
Searle, J. (1997). Speech acts: An essay in the philosophy of language. Cambridge University Press.
Marolyn Morford, Ph.D., is a developmental and clinical psychologist practicing in State College, Pennsylvania. You can learn more about her and get answers to other questions about children at www.ccad-pa.com.
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Revenge,Chocolate..., continued...
If you're the injured party, there are also responsibilities in accepting an apology. After all, remember that staying angry feels good (like eating chocolate). Staying hurt and angry allows you to remain in power, in control in your relationship. Now you have the leverage of not receiving. Being willing to receive again is a conscious decision, an over-ride to feelings of mistrust and hurt. What goes into this decision?
- Your willingness to accept partial responsibility, whether to a misunderstanding, or to a more complex pattern of negative relating.
- Your ability to identify specific changes, whether small or large, that you need to claim from your family member in order to heal and to trust again.
- Your recognition that forgiveness isn't a by-product of moral superiority ("I'm a better person, so I'll forgive you"), but the result of an ongoing process between people.
Finally, it's important to accept your humanity. While anger is a natural expression of feeling unfairly treated and wronged, it's not good to remain in the chronic fight or flight state that anger and thoughts of revenge evoke. Forgiveness is a choice. You won't forget. There is no "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" that allows you to erase memory. But you can forgive -- yourself and each other, for what was done to you, by you, and for what you didn't know, but now have learned.
www.trytoseeitmyway.com
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