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The Well Intended Critic |
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Unsolicited advice is more about relieving tension of the giver and less about improving the behavior of the receiver.
I had just self published my book "107 Proven Workplace Relationship Strategies" and was beaming! A friend asked me to go for a cup of coffee to discuss the book. He gave me an hours worth of mixed messages. In essence, he liked the content but not the layout and colors. He thought he was doing me a favor by correcting my shortcoming. I can still remember the sting of the criticism, not the good points he made.
Whenever a positive and negative message is given, the negative one is what is remembered. I was already aware of the negative points he made. His need to be a critic was fulfilled and he thought he had done the right thing. I felt beat-up, misunderstood, resentful and wondering what to do with his information! |
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The Unplanned Impact of Advice |
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What is the intended outcome of giving advice to a colleague, fellow worker or even someone in your own family? There is some form of a behavior change that is desired. Some kind of improvement is sought. In your opinion, the advice will greatly benefit the organization or the individual.
As you may know, the message received is the one that counts, not the message that is sent. The receiver of your supposed good advice may hear judgment, criticism, misunderstanding, micromanagement and in some cases feel attacked. How can a person make a positive change if they are inundated with negative feelings? |
| Say This Phrase and Loose |
When you want to give advice to someone, ask them questions about the arena you want to give them advice about. For example, you may want to tell a manager how to be more effective with his/her employees. Instead of telling, ask him what his top three strategies are for being effective with people.
If he wants to know why you're asking, tell him that you see potential in him (only say it if it is true) and want to learn from his experiences. To get him going even further, ask him 'who is a business leader he admires and why?' Listen with the intent to understand and discover. Use stories and anecdotes when you want to make a point. You've dampened the emotional atmosphere when you state: "Here is what I would do." |
| Trust Established |
Eventually the manager starts talking and provides clues as to his management concerns. Keep talking without correcting or suggesting, and establish a safe haven for him to talk freely. As this strategy is kept up, trust is established. Now you can influence him to a way of thinking that brings out the best in his actions. This strategy works well because both of you leave with good emotions, a win-win.
Instead of giving unsolicited advice give your full attention to understanding and creating an environment where there is safety and trust.
Communicate, relate and proper everyday,
Jim Rooney, CPBA
Certified Professional Behavior Analyst
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