Self-learning is a beautiful thing, and many parents choose to utilize the self-teaching method of education with their children due to the independence it grants to their children. I spend time almost every day encouraging parents in their quest to raise independent students who work with excellence. Sometimes this method seems to "not be working" in a family. The reasons for this are inevitably the same although the details may differ.

The problem I hear frequently is "How do we make Johnny do his work?" Johnny is strong-willed "just like his mother," one proud mom wrote to me recently. Parents don't understand how their children could possibly work independently when they don't work well with mom or dad standing over them! The problem has nothing to do with school work. The problem lies on a much deeper level. Johnny never learned to respect his parents and their authority over him. Unless a child has a humble and teachable heart, home education will be a trial for the entire family. 

Authority is part of a God-given design for the family. The Fifth Commandment admonishes children to honor their father and mother. I truly respect and value my children; however, I recognize that I am in authority over them and not the other way around. I must diligently train my children's hearts in obedience, respect, and right attitudes. It is a daily process. Heart training is of primary importance and should occur way before the homeschooling years begin. Heart training should be the "basic training" of childhood. 

We've all been in a public place and seen a young child act up and defiantly rebel against parental authority. I immediately think of the mom who is standing in the check-out aisle at the grocery store buying that roll of Lifesavers for her two-year-old because she knows if she doesn't, he will scream his head off. That kind controlling, manipulative behavior will only worsen as the child grows older. It must be nipped in the bud or you can bet the teen years will be horrendous.

When we only had four children, we frequented a local Chinese restaurant. We were kind of celebrities when we went in to dine because the staff there couldn't believe how sweet and respectful our children were. At the time the children would have been about ages 6, 5, 4, and 2. The waiters would kind of stare at us and then praise our children as if having sweet, respectful children was an unusual thing. To us it was not. We expected our children to be sweet and respectful and obedient. Did the children just come that way from the hospital? Uh, no. It takes a lot of attention to child-training to get children who behave well in public. As parents, we certainly reap what we sow.

Expectations

High expectations are key to excellent outcomes. You get what you expect and reinforce. If you set those expectations high, then your outcome is likely to be quite positive. If you set the bar low, well...the expectations will probably be met, but the outcome will not be as satisfactory as it could have been had you expected more.

With that said, here is a little vignette told to me by a friend of mine who is mom to ten (respectful and obedient) children. One day she was out and about with another mom whose two children were terribly out of control and mouthy. This frazzled mom exclaimed, "I don't know how you handle ten kids; my two drive me crazy!" 

My friend told me, "It was all I could do to keep from saying, 'Well, your two would drive me crazy, too!'"

Who Runs Your House?

To homeschool with freedom, you must be able to trust your child. Period. Self-teaching allows room for the student to operate on his or her own, but obedience and trust go hand in hand when it comes to putting the burden of learning on the shoulders of the student. If you have been diligently instilling in your child immediate obedience without any questioning, whining, negotiating, or manipulating on his part, then self-teaching will be a breeze! However, if you struggle daily with your children in the immediate obedience department, you may have some work ahead of you. (But it is doable.)

Do you find yourself giving in to your child's requests because you know he will not be happy if you do not? Do you repeat yourself several times before your children do what you have asked them to do? Are chores carried out well and done cheerfully? In other words, who runs your home?

As parents, we are the ones who are to be in control; giving in to placate a whiny child means that child has just won control., doesn't it?  It is NOT normal, nor is it a good thing to get anything less than happy obedience from your child the very first time you ask something of him. Delayed obedience is no obedience! Whining is not allowed in our home. It is a pet peeve of mine, actually. Because we made the effort to raise our four older children to respect mom and dad's authority without question, now our younger four naturally follow suit. Our younger children model the behavior of the older children, which is not always a good thing! We do have our problem areas!

Tim and I are now reaping the benefits of having disciplined the older children in a timely manner when they were young. I remember many times being pregnant and exhausted and crashed in a heap on the couch. Just as I would be about to drop off for a nap, one of my children would do something requiring swift and appropriate discipline. Oh! How much easier it would have been to ignore the behavior than to drag myself off the couch and deal with the situation, but I made a habit of addressing problems as they arose.

Consequently, the children learned that just because I was lying on the couch, sick, or resting peacefully, they still had to behave! That's not to say I didn't ever say, "Hmmmmm.....oh well," and went back to sleep. There were lazy moments, but they weren't the norm. It is true that you reap what you sow. If you sow seeds of enforcing consequences for misbehavior, you will reap happy, obedient children as well as enjoy peace in your home. And eventually you can take a nap without a war breaking out in the family room.

The Bottom Line

"As the training has been, so the character inclines," is a quote that appeared at the bottom of an e-mail I received this evening from a homeschool mom. It is an excellent thought to end my little tirade here on the importance of heart training in the education of our children. 

The bottom line is that heart training is the most important thing we can do as parents which will set the stage for what the Lord wants to do in the lives of our children down the road. Instilling the proper attitudes of respect and cheerful obedience is every bit as important as teaching a child how to read; more important in my estimation.