Ed note: This email will be better if you can picture a fife and drum playing in the background. You know what, let's just go ahead and do this. OK good to go.
Hello BearFighters!
Happy Independence Day! We know it's not until Monday but we will not have the opportunity to the speak with you before then as we will be busy partying/bar exam studying/fighting crime/rocking. Bearfight is of course playing in ye ol' Fanueil Hall at Hennessey's on Saturday night at like 10ish. So follow ye ol' Freedom Trail until you see ye ol' line for the Purple Shamrock, then go next door and that's us.
Of note, Chris and Tommy are swapping places for the weekend. Chris can't make the show, so Tommy agreed to fill in on stage. This of course leaves a sizable gap in our city's police force, so Chris will assume those duties. In this scenario, Chris is Jamie Lee Curtis and Tommy is Zac Efron.* Noble of them to try to help each other out, but we can expect both to be a poor man's version of the other. Instead of rocking, Tommy is likely to pebble. And instead of fighting crime, Chris simply plans on talking behind its back and telling its girlfriend he saw it all over some trashy chick. In other words, rob a bank on Saturday.
Long weekends are also great for cookouts and swimming, but mostly for catching up on your DVR. The #1 show on television is Burn Notice on TNT, yet we have never met anyone who has seen the show...or even heard enough about it to know what it's about. Smart money says they burn people's stuff, but only after warning them.
*that was a combo joke about Freaky Friday and 17 Again, two movies you didn't see.
We now patriotically present...
THE TOP FIVE COUNTRIES AMERICA HAS DEFEATED IN BATTLE:
We'd apologize for offending anybody here but we're Amurca so we don't have to.
#5 Canada - Go Bruins.
#4 The British - Imagine if, say, you lived in Puerto Rico and all of a sudden you decided to declare your independence from America, the mightiest power the world has ever seen. So you and your buddies just grabbed some guns you had lying around and then you won. That's pretty much what happened in 1776. England was America then and we beat them. U.S.A.!
#3 The Moon - Well before Lance Armstrong was the alleged first man on the moon, a serious cheese shortage of 1957 affected much of middle and southern western America; cheese of course being the crude oil of the 1950s. The Moonmen put up a good fight, but vanity proved to be their undoing. In the end we got the moon, but we are still working on establishing adequate security forces and ensuring peaceful elections. I mean, maybe it's possible that the Moonmen are not ready for democracy and freedom. A Target, McDonald's and a Pinkberry are in the works. This also is why you shouldn't drink on Thursdays and then go to work in the morning.
#2 The Evil Aliens from Independence Day - OK, OK we know what you're thinking. "In the end, wasn't it the whole world that defeated the aliens in one unified front." NOPE. That was America's victory and the rest of the world knew it. The movie wasn't called "Bastille Day." Will Smiff? American. Jeth Goldblum? American. And there is no telling what would have happened if President Pullman had not made that speech to the ragtag, frazzled crew of fighter pilots on the eve of the critical "Battle of the World." Frankly, the aliens demonstrated some fatal hubris by attacking so close to July 4th. Didn't they know? Didn't they know about America?
I think we made this joke last year too.
#1 Ourselves, in the Civil War - If America wants to find a worthy adversary she has to fight herself. Did you know that more people died in that war that the Korean War and M. Nyte Shamaman's The Happening combined. Luckily we are unlikely to break out into another spat like that, as hotornot.com solves most of our major conflicts.
COME TO HENNESSEYS!!
Bring your muscrats. I mean muskets.
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender says "Holy shit bear, please don't eat me." <fin>
