"If you just learn a single trick, Scout, you'll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it." - Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird

In my last two newsletters, I discussed the concept of emotional intelligence, or EQ, and specifically, the competency of emotional self-awareness. This issue continues the emotional intelligence theme, with a focus on the skill of empathy.

What is empathy? According to Webster's dictionary, empathy is the ability to "understand, be aware of, be sensitive to, and vicariously experience the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another." When we are empathetic, we have the ability to "read" others, and to have an awareness of their emotions, so we can say and do what's appropriate for the situation and their particular emotional needs at the time. Just as emotional self-awareness is critical to managing our own emotions, empathy, which could be described as emotional other-awareness, is essential to having meaningful relationships with others.

It's important to remember that empathy does not mean sympathy or agreement with the person's point of view. The power of empathy is that if you can comprehend what someone else is feeling and thinking - even it is extremely different from your point of view - and then put your understanding into words, the other person will feel understood and therefore more capable of collaborating and solving problems and building a productive relationship with you.

One of the books I recommend most to the leaders I coach is called Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee. The authors describe the emotional task of leaders as primal - first and most important. In any group - a work group, a family, a social group, etc. - the leader has the most power to sway everyone else's emotions. When leaders influence emotions in a positive way, they bring out the best in the group. Goleman, Boyatzis and McKee call this effect resonance.

In other words, it is the primary responsibility of leaders to create resonance by bringing out the best in others, and helping them reach their potential. One of the most important skills a leader must possess to bring out the best in others is empathy. By being in tune with how others are feeling, the leader can know the best, most appropriate things to do and say in that moment - such as calming anxiety, diffusing anger or participating in happiness and celebration.

Whether you are a formal leader or not, the importance of empathy cannot be overstated in building trusting and mutually satisfying relationships.

So, how do you develop empathy? Here are a few ideas:  

• As the famous quote goes, "Walk a mile in their moccasins." While it's not usually practical to experience everything another person experiences, we can take the time to imagine things from their perspective. Asking them how they are feeling and why is a great start to this process. Trying your best not to make assumptions or place judgments about their feelings is also very important.
• Make a deal with someone you know who is good at empathy. Periodically tell them how you think someone you both know is feeling about a certain situation, and ask them if they think your perceptions are accurate. Some of my coaching clients have made arrangements like this, usually with someone on their team. The exchanges are very enlightening, and help them to be more conscious about the emotions of others in general.
• When you watch movies or read novels, practice empathizing with different characters. Try the likeable characters first, but work towards empathizing with the ones you don't like as well, too. These are often the people we find it hardest to empathize with in real life, but if we dig deeply enough and listen hard enough, we find underneath the nasty or annoying surface a person who is longing to be understood, just like we all are.
• Ask "excavating" questions to dig for the heart of the matter. Excavating questions are personal, open-ended and general. For example, "How did you feel about such and such? What were you hoping would have happened? How is this affecting you?"
• Pay attention to the words the person uses to describe their feelings and thoughts, and their wants and expectations. Paraphrase what you heard them say and ask them an open question like, "What do you think you need to do now?" or "How would you like help with the situation?" 

If empathy is an opportunity area for you, make a commitment to yourself and to others to work on it this summer. I'm confident you will be enriched by strengthening your connection with others, and giving more people an opportunity to feel understood. Empathy, like all the other EQ competencies, can be learned, with attention and repetition. Several of my current coaching clients are focusing on the area of empathy, and seeing noticeable progress. It's never too late to develop your empathy skills.

In my next newsletter, I'll discuss the EQ competency of stress tolerance. If you would like to learn more about how to measure and develop your EQ, please contact me for a complimentary consultation to discuss how I help my clients in this area.

Wishing you a month of empathy,

~ Kathy

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