Have you ever worked with people who are brilliant at what they do, but lose their temper easily, don't connect well with others, or have a pessimistic attitude? These people may have a very high IQ, but need help with their emotional intelligence, or EQ. In fact, most of us need help with our EQ, in one way or another.
My work as a leadership coach and consultant provides opportunity to help my clients discuss and develop EQ issues on a regular basis. In this and my next several newsletters, I will explore the EQ concept, focusing on a few key competencies, and provide suggestions for how to develop in these areas.
So what is EQ? You have likely heard the term emotional intelligence or EQ, but may not be sure what it means. While there are many ways to describe it, our emotional intelligence involves understanding and managing our emotions so that we can be more effective in our work and personal lives, and have more positive and satisfying relationships with others.
And why does it matter? EQ matters because it has been found repeatedly to mean as much, if not more, to success in life and work, as IQ. We know from years of research, including the work of Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, Why it Can Matter More than IQ, that EQ can have a significant impact on many areas of life - including leadership effectiveness, athletic accomplishments, and most importantly, overall health and well-being.
In the past 15-20 years, psychologists have learned how to measure EQ, and a few scientifically validated assessment tools have been developed for certified professionals to use with their clients. My education includes certification in a highly effective measurement tool called EQ-i, developed by Dr. Reuven Bar-On. EQ-i was the very first validated emotional intelligence tool, and I use the framework of the EQ-i in my coaching and my writing.
This month's focus is on Emotional Self-Awareness, the centerpiece of our emotional intelligence. Emotional self-awareness is our ability to understand what we are feeling, why we are feeling it, and how to express it. Without first being aware of our emotions, we cannot begin to manage them effectively or communicate them accurately to others.
Because it is our thoughts, whether conscious or unconscious, that most often lead to our emotions, becoming aware of our thoughts is a critical step to emotional self-awareness. Unfortunately, most of our thoughts (on average 75-80%), are negative. When we have negative thoughts but aren't fully aware we are having them, our emotions tend to be negative as well and can send us into a spiral of stress, anxiety, and tense interactions with others before we even realize what is happening. We tend to believe the things we say to ourselves, even when they are negative and untrue! When we become aware of the negative thoughts, we can change them to thoughts that are more positive and productive, which leads to more positive emotions, and more positive results.
But the first step is just becoming aware of what we are thinking and feeling, which most of us do not take the time to do. Just being aware that you are angry and saying, "I'm feeling angry," for example, can help prevent you from acting out your anger in a harmful or embarrassing way. Most of us aren't aware enough of those feelings of anger, and before we know it, we let the emotion drive our behavior and we do something we later regret.
So how can you become more self-aware? Like all areas of development, self-awareness increases with practice. Here are some self-awareness exercises that have helped me and many of my clients:
- Start your day with a 2-3 minute breathing/awareness meditation. As you breathe, concentrate on just being aware of the feeling of the breath going through your body.
- Several times during the day (perhaps on the hour, or every time you get up for a glass of water or restroom break), pay attention to what you are thinking and feeling and how your body is responding to those thoughts and feelings. Write these reflections down in a notebook or journal.
- At the end of the day, analyze what you recorded in your self-awareness notebook, including when your moods shifted, why, and how the shifting mood affected your thoughts and behavior.
- Weekly, schedule time with a coach, mentor, spouse, significant other, or supportive friend to just talk about your feelings.
- Get into the habit of asking others how they are feeling. Not only will this help them become more self-aware, it will also make it easier for you to ask yourself the same question, and to talk about your feelings with others.
In next month's issue, I'll talk more about developing self-awareness and other EQ competencies. If you would like to learn more about how to measure and develop your EQ, please contact me for a complimentary consultation to discuss how I help my clients in this area.
Wishing you all the best,
~ Kathy
