Keeping Our Balance
In addition to being a pediatrician and professor of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics at Stanford Medical School, Heidi also teaches yoga. So it was no surprise that she began the meeting by asking us all to stand and do a "tree" pose without holding onto anything. Tree pose requires standing on one foot and keeping your balance as you bring your other foot to the inside of your ankle or if you're more advanced, to your thigh!
There was lots of laughter as we wobbled and adjusted trying to keep our balance. Then she asked us to find a partner and do the pose again. Everyone found they achieved steadiness with gentle help from their partner. Heidi said she chose the exercise as a metaphor for the day and for the topic: We can achieve successful balance with more security and support.
Role-playing Brings Rewards
Next Heidi asked us to describe an incident with our grandchild that troubled us. Playing on the examples, she invited 2 GaGas to come up and role-play the grandma and grandchild in the challenging situation. One involved a 2-year old having a tantrum, refusing to leave the playground, and throwing himself on the ground.
After they completed the scenario, Heidi asked each GaGa to describe how she felt in her role then she asked the audience for feedback. The role-playing grandma got praise for using firm, clear, gentle language with the child, for reassuring the onlookers that she was used to this behavior and not flustered by it, and that she got the child's attention by getting down on his level and saying "Look at me." They liked that she didn't lose her cool and respected the child's needs by saying "I know how hard it is for you to leave now."
In addition, some members suggested the grandma ask the child how he was feeling, and tell the child, "I love you and we're leaving. When we get in the car, we can talk about it."
American Academy of Pediatrics
Heidi concluded her presentation by sharing some guidelines for effective discipline based on the American Academy of Pediatrics:
Create a proper setting.
Use consistent rules in a safe environment; set boundaries that are age appropriate. If you can't remove knickknacks, provide some other age-appropriate substitutes. One GaGa gives her grandchildren baskets of rocks and shells at her house.
Model what you want to see.Heidi says she comes down hard on "crimes against people" when hitting is involved. She asks the victim to tell her what she did when she got hit because she wants to teach how to say "no and stop." Adults should be curious but not reactive when trying to resolve conflicts and suggest how they could work things out.
Reward for doing what's right. For older children a responsibility board using stars can be an effective reward system. For younger children immediate natural reinforcement is easier, e.g., say: "Take one bite of spinach, and then you can have dessert."
Give honest negative reinforcement when rules are violated. Time outs only work when children are going to miss out on something or have time away from something desirable. It's better to take away a privilege. Time out in public can be challenging if it means you have to remove the child from the scene, as in the grocery store. She suggested you say: "I'm giving you a time out from me and I'm not going to talk to you for 2 minutes." A GaGa says: "It seems like something's bothering you--you must want to be by yourself."
Another strategy Heidi uses is over correction, e.g., if your grandchild is running around the swimming pool,
say: "Let's practice walking around" to establish a new behavior pattern, instead
of saying "don't run," or "You can pat the kitty and my hands will help
your hands," rather than "don't smack her."
Avoid corporal punishment. Spanking stops behavior but it doesn't teach. It's much better to teach alternative behaviors.
Takeaways
The "take aways" from our discussion are: