2009 Calendar
Date Host Presenter
Sept 13 Dee Group Activity
Nov 1 Sandy Susan B
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Sept 13, 2009 Meeting
When You're Not gaga, Who Are You?
Our
September 13 meeting will be hosted by Dee in Los Altos. How appropriate that
our meeting falls on National Grandparents Day this year! And while the GaGa
Sisterhood is all about celebrating our status as grandmothers, we are so much
more than grandmothers. This meeting will give us a chance to get to know each
other beyond being grandmas. We'll enjoy an interactive group activity in which
we'll be able to share who we are when we're not grandmas.
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The Art of Grandparenting
Last April an author
friend forwarded me an email that was too good to pass up. A publisher was
looking for grandparents to write a chapter for a new book, The Art of Grandparenting. My proposal
was accepted and I'm thrilled to announce the book is due out this September.
In my chapter, How to Become a Go-To
Grandma, I offer six suggestions for developing lasting bonds with your
grandchildren.
The anthology, subtitled Loving, Spoiling, Teaching and Playing with
Your Grandkids, includes
20 chapters by "new" and "seasoned" grandparent authors. To pre-order the
book, click here. I'll bring copies for sale to our September 13 meeting. It
would make a wonderful gift for a grandma-in-waiting.
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Forward this Newsletter to a Friend
I'm asking all the grandmas I know to pass along the link to my blog to all their grandma friends.
I would appreciate your doing the same or forwarding this newsletter to a grandma you know. Just scroll down to the bottom and click on "Forward email."
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What's New With You?
I'd love to share tidbits from other members in this newsletter. Please send me emails with fun activities you're doing.
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Greetings!
My
six-year old granddaughter, Juliet, just spent a week with us and it was pure
joy. We had two GaGa playdates: one with Diane and her six-year old
granddaughter, Tali, and a second with Barbara and her six-year old
granddaughter, Emma. The playdates were so much fun for both generations; we
plan to do them again.
During
Juliet's visit, she said, "I wish I could live with you, Baba." And why not! She
was the center of attention; I said "yes" to most of her requests; and we got
along beautifully, because I knew it was only for a finite period of time. I also know that this is not reality. But it
does give me more empathy for my daughter. She's in charge 24/7, while I know that,
at the end of the week, I'll get my "other" life back.
After
Juliet left, I reviewed my notes from our July 12 GaGa Sisterhood meeting, and
realized there was not one mention of issues between our grandchildren and us.
All our challenges were between our grandchildren's parents and us. We shared a lot of wisdom and empathy flowed freely.
When the meeting was over, we all felt much better.
In Sisterhood, 
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When Being a Grandma Isn't So Grand
Bea Armstrong Moderates Discussion
I asked
GaGa Bea to facilitate our discussion. As a psychotherapist for over 17 years,
Bea's had lots of experience leading groups. She prepared a handout with four
categories of challenges: relationships, generation gaps, cultural issues, and
what to do when "it goes bad." We had a lot to say about relationship
challenges but barely scratched the surface in the other three. At the end of
the meeting it was apparent that grandmas have lots of issues.
Bea opened
the discussion by saying: "Sometimes being a grandma isn't all milk and
cookies!" All twenty of us grandmas fit in one cozy circle, which helped
us feel the bond we all share---understanding, celebrating, and empathizing with
each other about the complexity of being a grandma. We could have talked into
the wee hours.
Many Challenges, Few Solutions
As we
introduced ourselves, we each shared one of our challenges. Most fell into the
category of relationships with our adult children, our daughter- or
son-in-law, the "other" grandparent, or step-grandparents. Another
big challenge was parity---dividing our time and resources fairly among our
grandchildren and their parents. Although we didn't come up with solutions, we
felt comfort knowing our issues were universally shared.
This
meeting was long overdue. There was relief in being able to vent about hurt
feelings, sensitive egos, parents who are overly cautious and "risk averse,"
the need to walk on eggshells, and defensive daughters-in-law.
One grandma simply said: "I have more
challenges than we have time for today!" Later she elaborated and said she's
only allowed to buy organic clothes for her grandchildren and her
daughter-in-law doesn't appreciate all of her efforts to stay in touch
long-distance.
Another
grandma introduced herself and said she was so happy to hear that others had
similar issues. Every time she's come to a meeting, she has the feeling that
everyone is so happy. Yes, we are happy---we're filled with joy when we're
with our grandchildren. But as soon as their parents enter the picture, the
dynamic changes.
Bea wrote to me the day after our meeting and
said: "I do hope that we schedule at least one meeting a year to share with
each other as we did on Sunday." She also
added: "I was so impressed, but not surprised, by the wealth of information the
GaGas shared. And how willing members were to be vulnerable with their
difficulties and disappointments, as well as their joys. Being a new
grandmother, I now know exactly where to go when I have questions of my own. My
thanks to everyone for making my facilitation of the group discussion such a
breeze."
A few
members suggested we allow 15 minutes at every
meeting to vent but that was quickly voted down. I reminded everyone that we
are a supportive group but not a support group! The mission of the GGS is
to inspire each other with creative ways to stay connected with our
grandchildren. We also want to continue to grow and evolve along with our
children and grandchildren.
What
About Grandma's Feelings?
One grandma brought up a good point: how come we're the ones who have to bend over
backwards in relationships with our children? What about our needs and feelings? She even proposed that I create a pamphlet for
new parents to help them be more understanding of the new grandparents'
feelings. (See The Art of Grandparenting in the sidebar.) We're all new at our roles
and it would help if our children would cut us some slack! But the parents have
leverage; they have the "goods" and if we want to enjoy them, we have to play
by their rules.
Several grandmas complained about their
unappreciative daughters-in-law, while others said their own daughters were
just as challenging to get along with. Benign comments are taken as criticism
by them.
One grandma has weekly iChats with her family
on the East Coast. Her daughter-in-law has never participated in them. Another encloses
a SASE with her letters but never gets a response. Another said she feels like
she's "always in trouble." And she's "zipped it so many times, it's about to
come out her ears!"
Establish Good Communication, Trust and
Respect
There
was resounding laughter throughout the afternoon, especially when one brand new
grandma, still in the "honeymoon phase," said she was getting scared listening
to our comments. I reassured her that not everyone has challenges; but whenever
parents and children interact, there are bound to be misunderstandings and hurt
feelings. The secret is to establish good communication upfront, and then
you'll be able to resolve issues more easily.
It all
boils down to trust. We need to trust our kids that they know their children
best. And they need to trust us and appreciate that we have our grandchildren's
interests at heart.
Some
grandmas have resolved issues by accepting their place in challenging
relationships. One grandma agreed to do craft projects, while the "other" grandma
buys clothes. Another said that as the mother of two sons, she is careful to
remember that she is not "the woman" in their lives. Another echoed her
sentiments by saying that she understands the pecking order in her family: #1,
daughter-in-law; #2, son; #3, grandma.
One
grandma ended the conversation with some wisdom: she remembers that she didn't
want her mother telling her how to do things when she was raising her daughter.
Now she's trying to show the same respect for her daughter as she raises her
sons.
We all agreed on one thing: the best part of being a grandma is having
our grandchildren all to ourselves!
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GaGa Sisterhood 2.0
Great news! Starting August 4, 2009, the GaGa
Sisterhood will have a members-only online community. Through online services
provided by BigTent (www.bigtent.com), the GaGa Sisterhood will be able to
process membership renewals and payments, manage email lists, access our GaGa
Sisterhood calendar, and use lots of other great features, such as the photo gallery and
forum, to communicate with each other.
I'm using BigTent for two reasons: (1) to make sure we
have sustainable technology supporting our organization now and in the future,
and (2) to have one single platform for our online community. BigTent has a very
strict privacy policy and does not sell, rent or give user information to ANY
third parties.
If we
want to continue to grow and evolve along with our children and grandchildren,
we need to keep up with technology. Big Tent is another way for us to get to
know each other beyond our meetings. I'm excited about learning all the new
resources available to us as we build our social network for grandmas.
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Free Subscription to GRAND Magazine
Several years ago, I discovered a wonderful resource for grandparents---GRAND Magazine. Last year GRAND switched
from a printed format to an online magazine with live links. What I like about
GRAND is that the founder and publisher, Christine Crosby, is also a
grandmother and truly understands the role. She says that becoming a
grandparent transformed her life beyond measure.
GRAND Magazine is now offering free
subscriptions to readers of my blog. To get your free subscription, click here. Watch for the August issue with a story
about the GaGa Sisterhood in their "GRAND Central" section.
GRAND's mission is to provide
grandparents of all ages and in all stages of life both information and
inspiration. They've created a magazine that celebrates the joys and tackles
the challenges of one of life's sweetest experiences---having grandchildren.
The magazine includes a wealth of
features, including:
- Long-distance
grandparenting
- Kinship
care and grandparents' rights
- Children's
health and development
- Inter-generational
travel and reunions
- Family
money
- Fun
and games to do with your grandchildren
- Food
and family gatherings
- Fashion
- Inspirations
- Grandchildren's
photographs
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GaGa Member News
Grandparents
Helping Grandparents
During
the sharing of our challenges, Karen Guggenheim touched us all deeply when she
shared hers: Karen's two-year old granddaughter is severely disabled. Karen is
forming a group this fall, Grandparents Helping Grandparents, where
grandparents can meet others whose lives have been impacted by grandchildren
with developmental or physical disabilities.
Karen
is inviting these grandparents to get together for discussions, support and to empower
each another in dealing with these challenging circumstances.
The
first meeting will be Friday, September 25 at 10:30 am at the home of Karen
Guggenheim. There will be no speaker or facilitator at this meeting. Grandparents
will be encouraged to discuss how they can help one another share knowledge and
wisdom and deal with issues that can be emotionally devastating.
For
more information and to RSVP please call:
Karen
at (408)253-9589 or email her at guggy2@pacbell.net
Tidepool Tips for Grandmas
GaGa Carol F and her 9 year-old grandson, Kyle visited the Fitzgerald Marine Preserve in Moss Beach (just north of Half Moon Bay) to check out the tidepools. The best time to go is on a day when there is a minus tide. The day they went the maximum minus tide was at 8:53 am and they arrived at 8 am to a fairly empty parking lot. At 9:30, as the tide was coming back in, they departed for breakfast; there were no parking spots to be had and cars were literally fighting over theirs.
They saw harbor seals, urchins, anenomes, sculpin, starfish, seastars, and hermit crabs. Bring a change of clothes, especially dry shoes and socks!
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