Brian's Words of Wisdom:
Owner of LLAL Narrowly Avoids Full Body Cavity Search! This is the blog portion of our newsletter J Read on if you want to learn more about our character, running NoVAs largest consignment store, or why we work so hard to serve you! [Background: As previously blogged, Brian Meny is not only "Da Big Boss" of LLaL but a professional geek building satellites at Orbital Sciences Corp and Owner of Brixalot.com, a LEGOŽ brick rental service. He often chooses to deliver brix for birthday parties after his boys and wife go to bed, usually after 10pm.] DINK. DINK. DINK. [Tap on the car window] "Move along." "Yes, Officer!" It's 11:23pm on a Saturday night. January 22, 2011. With my handy dandy and most trusted friend, Mr. GPS, I just delivered 3 bins full with thousands of LEGOŽ bricks to another eagerly awaiting family and the "LEGO Elf" dropped those bins off on their porch. I imagine the Tooth Fairy or Santa has a similar exhilarated feeling, knowing that in the morning this family will awaken to a wonderful gift left "magically" while they were asleep. It's quite a nice feeling J But it's also quite tiring... Fortunately, my Brixalot business really helps supplement our income to give Char and the boys some options while the store continues to grow and stabilize. At least, that's the thin fiber I desperately cling to driving around downtown DC near midnight with 12 degrees outside greeting me every time I lug a bin to/from the car/porch. A few cans of Diet Coke with caffeine and I can go just about anywhere. This particular balmy night, I am marveling at the beauty and starkly contrasting outline of the Capitol building's dome presence, quite literally one block away. I dare say almost majestic in its stature and certainly respect-inspiring. As the light turns green the bus to my right and I begin our labored acceleration, me in my muscle-car-extraordinaire Dodge Caravan with an impressive 0 to 60mph in just under 4.2 years and the bus only slightly faster. Yes, I am the envy of all men. Thank GOODNESS I am married lest I fight off the hordes of chics this man-mobile inspires. What's unique about Independence Ave., among other streets around sundry Federal Buildings with snipers on top, is the dual police cars that are always strategically parked on both sides of a key intersections. Strangely enough, I am not convinced these are REAL cars as I have never seen them move but always have exhaust steaming out of the tail ends. In fact, at one point I had a theory these were no more than sophisticated 3D holograms with other-worldly resolution from the alien technology obtained at Area 51. But as of now I certainly CAN tell you that although they may look like holograms, I assure you that their blazing and impossibly bright flashing blind-you-drive-off-the-road lights (more proof of Area 51 influences) absolutely work in the dead of the night. And it is to that most startling vision the bus and I suddenly found ourselves as the light turned green and we began our coma-inducing drag race of lumbering dinosaurs. Now you have to understand some key points here: I'm one block from the Capitol building. Literally. Driving a plain Dodge Grand Caravan. With tinted rear windows. Chock FULL of unmarked bins to the roof of the car. At 11:30pm with no logical purpose except to me and a random mom in DC. With a bladder full of Diet Coke. How would YOU react when the looks-nice-but-must-be-crazy man tells you he is driving late at night with a van full of LEGOŽ bricks??? So as we just cross the intersection and begin to slow to a complete stop, I see the officer get out of the car on the right. The bus and I stop, it slightly ahead of me, and I watch as not one but TWO police officers get on the bus and walk around, talking. Meanwhile, I'm parked right next to the bus with no clue what to do, so I wait. With unusual anticipation. Which seems to have the blood pumping ever so slightly faster. And the adrenaline keeping me at full alert. With a bladder that 10 minutes ago reminded me I should not be lifting such heavy bins onto a porch without proper attention. I am fairly certain just about 3.7 months went by (yet more evidence of Area 51 time technology at work in DC...) when I heard DINK DINK DINK tapping at my driver's side window. If you ever get the chance to watch Bill Cosby's classic (and family friendly) standup comedy routine "Bill Cosby Himself," I highly recommend it and it is indeed safe for even kids. In one routine, he talks about why the first thing mommas always ask about their kids after an car accident is "Was he wearing clean underwear?" because first you're gonna say it, then you're gonna do it. If I were not physically restrained via seat belt, I would have been on the ceiling of my roof like a cat, with what I'm sure would have looked like a large water balloon tsunami exploding inside the car's window. Even more proof that the man inside the car was indeed a weirdo lunatic hell-bent on hell-raising in DC. My last coherent thought as my heart stopped beating was "I'm sure going to get a full body cavity search as they'll never believe me even if they open up the bin tops." I never saw the officer from the second police car get out, walk over to my car, and tap on my window. I just about peed in my pants. And I barely heard him say "move along" and wave me on. I swear I must have looked like a spooked ghost or crackhead, bare white knuckles gnashing the steering wheel. But the lights went out on both police cars (must have been pairs of them in the cars), the bus starting pulling away as did I, and I noticed that two police men were walking back to their car on the right while two more were comfortably seated on the bus, presumably heading to Precinct to finish their shift. Yes, folks, I almost became a walking Depends commercial because of a "taxi ride" for Capitol Police. I'd love to say all was uneventful (time now being 11:32pm) for the trip home. After all, Mr. GPS says I was only 16.5 miles from blissful bladder relief. A quick stop at LLaL before heading home and I could be in bed with Hot Momma by 12:15 at the latest. But at the split near the Washington Memorial Mr. GPS said "Bank right, Rogue Leader! Bank right!" (not sure why they don't allow geekaholics to upload Star Wars or Homer Simpson voiceovers to these GPS systems like DOH! when you miss a turn) and a split second looking at the screen I missed a key turn, going under Interstate 66. No prob. I'll go around the block. Hey, look! It's the Kennedy Center. Wow. It's gorgeous. Why is there a guard on this road? Hold on, so THIS road is how you drive to the front door of the Kennedy Center! Cool! Strange. I'm not seeing an exit here. Wait a minute. OK, THIS can't be right... that's a loading dock and dead end. Okie dokie, let's figure out how to get to the road on the other side of this wall. [Mr. GPS voice: "I find your lack of faith disturbing, Obiwan. Continue on to I-66W"]. Let's go up here. Oh look. Mr. Security Guard is approaching the plain-looking, tinted window van full of unmarked bins allegedly full of LEGOŽ bricks at 11:50pm with some caution and hand resting clearly on his holstered pistol... "Can I help you, sir?" "Yes, I'm looking for I-66W and my GPS sent me here by accident..." so he shows me the Batman secret exit which dumps RIGHT onto I-66W and my bladder is literally singing inside my mid-section, a muffled "HAL-leluiah! HALLLLLL-leluiah" can be heard. No prob. Until I-66W has ALL LANES closed and all traffic diverted to Rt 267, the Dulles Toll Road due to HOT lane construction. This is actually not a problem as I prefer 267 over 66 any day. Until ALL LANES closed on 267 west-bound due to overhead spans of the new silver (?) line being built to Dulles Airport. So we were all redirected without consent to I-495S where 3 OF 4 lanes were closed near Tysons Mall to Gallows road. Even though we are well past midnight now, let's do the math: 2 lanes of I-66 plus 2 lanes of 267 plus 4 lanes of I-495 down to 1 lane. I'm fairly certain had the Director of VDOT been in the car with me at this time my bladder, having not learned the virtues of patience and forgiveness, would have literally ripped out of my body and eaten his/her head. You might think I make this stuff up, but here's a pic I offer as proof on 495, finally arriving at LLaL (to pick up 4 more bins of LEGOŽ bricks I had left there earlier) at 2am. So I've parked my van curbside, flashers blinking, tailgate wide open with numerous bins full of plastic fun, and I begin loading it with the remaining bins left in the store (after appeasing the borderline cannibalistic bladder) with nothing but the emergency lights on in the darkness of the front atrium. Then I hear this sound: DINK DINK DINK on the store's front door. With the flashlight blinding me in the face I catch a faint glimpse of the police car with full spotlight and high beams behind my van's wide-open tailgate, and an officer with hand on holstered gun cautiously walking into my store and politely asking "Excuse me, sir. Is this your van parked outside {loading these suspicious, unmarked bins on a black cart at 2am with no lights on}?" OK, so he didn't ask that last part, but I can only imagine he wanted to! I couldn't help but chuckle as I finally drifted to sleep at 2:45am in my warm bed next to "Hot Momma" Charlene, thinking how blessed I was at soooo many level. Perhaps a little bit crazy. But isn't that a prerequisite for starting your own business anyway? And I didn't even get that Full Body Cavity Search after all... Thank God. J -Brian (Sir Brixalot)
| 
