While carpooling to a meeting with Sally, a colleague and friend, we were discussing her niece's quest to find an affordable apartment in a nice neighborhood.  Sally, who is White, matter-of-factly said, "I'm trying to point her in the right direction - I don't want her to move to a Black or Hispanic neighborhood."

(Hello - Black girl in the house!)

I mustered enough self-control to keep the car on the road.  I took a deep breath and I said, "Sally did you hear what you just said?"  She appeared to replay the tape in her head for a second, then looked surprised and horrified.  She said, "I didn't mean it the way it

sounded.  I just meant that I want my niece to live in a safe neighborhood."  Mercifully, this conversation happened as we arrived at the meeting location so we had to end it.

Needless to say, I was not fully engaged in the meeting we were attending because I was processing what had just occurred. 

I had a decision to make about the outcome I wanted for our relationship and what I was willing to invest - preserve it or end it.  I asked myself the following questions:

• Do I see sufficient value in maintaining a friendship?
• How beneficial is our business association?
• Does the risk-benefit analysis of our relationship yield more pluses than minuses?
• Have I seen previous demonstrations of, or allusions to, a biased or bigoted mindset?
• What does my gut tell me about Sally?
• Is it worth my time to have a conversation about this?

I've known Sally for many years and have found her to be compassionate and caring.  She has been supportive, encouraging, and helpful to me on numerous occasions.  The answers to the above questions were strongly in favor of preserving the relationship.

I then had to decide my next steps.  To get in a more charitable frame of mind, I examined myself:

• Am I completely free of bias and bigotry?
• Have I ever negatively stereotyped others?
• Am I proud of all of my unfiltered thoughts?