This article is courtesy of my friend, Mary Jo Fey. Author, speaker and hostess of Denver's Best Dating, Mating and Relating Meetup group. You can check out more of her articles here.
In the wacky world of dating, mating, and relating it oftentimes appears as though women do some pretty crazy things when they're "Desperate for Love." They fall head over heels in love with some guy who has absolutely no interest in them and they practically make a fool of themselves in the process. They call and email endlessly, jump into bed with him on the first date with the hopes that by being sexual they'll "hook" the guy who will obviously want to stay, if for no other reason than for the sex. And at extreme ends, they may even stalk the poor guy with some desperate hopes of winning him back when he's done his best to make it clear that he's trying to dodge her unwanted attentions.
Some desperate gals will even marry the wrong guy, ignoring the fact that he's Mr. Wrong, but so terrified of being alone that they'll accept him as Mr. Right Now, even though they know in their guts that the relationship is not healthy to begin with.
Well, I'm here to say that women are not the only ones out there desperate for love. Lately, I've seen some similar behaviors in men and felt it was only fair to discuss this male phenomenon as well.
John: A very handsome middle-ager who dated Julie for nearly 3 years, despite the drama and volatile nature of the relationship. While the sex was seemingly good, nothing outside the bedroom was. When he finally exhausted himself with the emotional roller coaster of the relationship, he came to his senses and pulled the plug. At the time of their final fight, Julie proclaimed how unbeknown to him she had been unfaithful with several different men during their time together, which she threw in his face as a last act of vengeance and her narcissism. (Just a couple of the many symptoms of their unhealthy situation.)
John was totally shocked by her admission and left feeling like he'd just been hit by a truck. His heart was broken. His trust in women, shattered. Yet, in less than 6 weeks, John returned to Julie to "give it another try" despite the fact that they had absolutely no trust left to build their relationship on. If she had lied to him for nearly 3 years, exactly what could he believe going forward? But his fear of being alone won out over his logical mind that begged him to remember all that hadn't been healthy in his relationship up until then, and he convinced himself that he could "fix" things this time.
Chuck: A late 40 something, 50 pounds overweight, computer geek who couldn't get a date to save his life in the US, decided to look abroad to find Ms. Right. He joined one of the many "Romanian Girls dot com" dating sites where he met a beautiful gal 28 years his junior who didn't speak a word of English. He promptly flew to Romania where he spent 10 days "getting to know her," (through a translator.) He is now working with a lawyer to get this gal (and her mother!) all visas to come to the States so that they can be married! US immigration will grant an engagement visa but they must marry within 3 months of her arrival in the States. No pressure, or anything, but will she even know the language by then? Might be kinda important to ask and answer some crucial questions like "What are your values?" "What do you want out of life?" Or maybe, "Does this mean we're exclusive?"
Of course there are tons of important questions to ask here, including why he thinks if he couldn't get a date with a US girl, (much less one 28 years his junior) just why he could do so if he went abroad? (Hmmm, just what is her motivation, anyway?) And why on earth would anyone get married when they know someone for such a short time anyway, much less can't even speak the language? (One wonders, just how accurate was that translator?) Sadly, this is a disaster waiting to happen. And while Chuck knows it, he's charging full steam ahead anyway, hoping against hope, that it will all work out.
James: Fifty-something James divorced a couple of years ago and posts ads on Craig's List regularly seeking a "dinner companion." He's pleasant enough, but his desperation to have a relationship ekes from his pores when you meet him. He insists on sitting VERY closely to his date on the first meeting (as opposed to sitting opposite her at a booth or table), he puts himself down during the entire meal, bemoans his frustrating marriage where during the last 5 years there was absolutely no sex involved, and when he tells his new date good night he gives her a bear hug and kiss that last much too long, as if when he lets go, he will never receive human touch again. Needless to say, he rarely gets second dates.
- Why are we all so desperate for love, no matter our gender?
- Why don't we love ourselves enough to hold out for healthy love?
- Why do we think that these behaviors (and those of the desperate women above) are normal in emotionally stable relationships?
Strong relationships are built on trust, time, and respect. You simply can't rush or force these factors. To do so only assures that you are living with a ticking time bomb that can go off at any time. And frequently does.
And unless you fully and completely love yourself first, you may either fall for some of these bad behaviors yourself, or may display some Desperate Dater behavior of your own. And I can just about predict that the outcome won't be what you want.
By the way, don't blame yourself or feel stupid if any of these examples remind you of things you may have already been involved with. I've said it before and I'll say it again - our culture does a CRAP job of teaching our young (and the rest of us) just how to have a healthy relationship. I'm doing my best to bring you these stories to help you as you navigate the crazy minefield called Dating, Mating, and Relating. So feel free to share my blog with your friends and let's see if we can't get some more healthy behaviors going on out there.
