This month's guest columnist is Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D..
of The Coupling Connection here in Denver. Dr. Jenn
began Coupling Connection because she had always
been passionate about helping people have great
relationships. Even as a teenager, she realized that
relationships were important to people, but that most
people weren't very good at them! So, even before
high school, she decided to become a psychologist
who focused on healthy, happy relationships. She's
been lucky enough to train with some of the country's
leading marital researchers and clinicians so her
academic background is chock full of knowledge
about what makes relationships work. To reach Dr.
Jenn simply call 720-284-8502 for a free 20 minute
consultation or visit her website at
www.couplingconnection.com
If your dating experience has been anything like mine,
you've probably noticed that an awful lot of people just
suddenly disappear one day, without explanation. It
happens so often that I have a term for it: The Poof
Phenomenon. It goes something like this. You meet
someone, online or in the real world, and it seems
you have some chemistry. After a few emails and
phone calls, you're looking forward to meeting again.
Then, poof! One day you just never hear from them
again. End of story.
Or consider another popular version of this
phenomenon. At the end of a decent date, you stand in
the parking lot awkwardly trying to say good bye. Mr. or
Ms. Potential looks you straight in the eye and
says "I'll call you soon," knowing full well that they
never intend to. Pretty soon you'll be wondering, "Now,
why did they lie to me? Why couldn't they just tell me
the truth?"
Let's face it, most people have a really hard time
telling another person that they don't want to go out
again. They lie or they poof because it is the easy
thing to do. They rationalize it by saying "I'm protecting
their feelings." This is a noble intention, but this
behavior usually has the opposite effect: it leaves
people confused, frustrated, disappointed, and yes,
hurt! So by trying to save someone's feelings, you end
up creating the very same feelings you were hoping to
avoid.
And both men and women are equally guilty of
avoiding the truth. It seems that guys are more likely
to spontaneously disappear, while women are more
likely to send inconsistent, indirect, or confusing
messages when they are not really interested. This
form of communication is almost worse than the "no
communication" of poofing, because it keeps the
recipient emotionally invested for a longer time.
However, the "easy way" doesn't translate into
the "right way". We've all been in both sets of shoes in
this dating dilemma so we know what it's like. It takes
courage to be direct when telling someone that you
don't want to go out again. However, it is the right thing
to do. It demonstrates respect for the other person
and respect for yourself. I have learned time and time
again, that people appreciate it when you shoot
straight in the dating game. Ultimately, being honest
saves a lot of time, worry, and bruised hearts.
So, how best to be honest? Realize that you do not
have to be harsh with your truth! There is really no
need to lower someone's self-esteem by saying "Hey,
I'm just not attracted to you" or "You know what, I'm
bored." People also hate the "chemistry" word! So if
the reasons you don't want to pursue someone are
negative (rather than just incompatible), it's best to
just say something like "I think we just don't make a
perfect match."
Another skill you'll want to perfect, is making the
Goodbye Sandwich. The best way to give someone
bad news is to sandwich the bad news in between
two more positive (but sincere) comments. For
example, you can't really go wrong with, "Gosh, I'm
glad I had a chance to get to know you. I think you are
smart and funny, but I get the feeling that we just aren't
the right match. I know you'll make the right person
very happy though." This comment may sting a little,
but the recipient is less likely to feel personally
rejected. When you first practice this, it may be hard to
do in person. So, it's ok to get used to it via email or
the phone. But keep at it and it will get easier with
time. Then you can feel good about doing the right
thing! You may even find that people are thankful for
your integrity.
The Dating Dr.'s Quick Guide to Bowing Out Gracefully:
- Don't lie and say you will call.
- Don't poof and disappear.
- Don't be brutally honest about their negative
traits.
- Don't say there isn't any chemistry.
- DO let someone know that you don't think you
make the perfect match.
- DO include some of the positive things you liked
about the person.
- DO wish them the best in finding a good
match.
- DO use email or phone if you just can't do it in
person.
