A common grief response to parent death, separation, or divorce that may last for years is denial. Denial is a coping mechanism common to families that have a closed communication style, which is characterized by secrets, not talking about problems or pain, and not sharing outside of the family. It is also associated with chemical addiction. Denial is defined as a disregard for a disturbing reality and used to avoid anxiety and emotional distress.

Closed communication leaves youth vulnerable to using alcohol and drugs because using them helps avoid the pain of parent loss maintaining denial. Over time, it becomes more and more difficult to avoid the reality that a parent is gone and easier to use alcohol and drugs cutting off communication even more. Using chemicals is a negative coping mechanism that, like any other coping skill, has to be taught. Young people must first learn by watching others who model the behavior or by receiving instructions on how to feel, act, and use. This training leads to competence in using substances, which further reinforces the behavior and could lead to addictions. STOP THE NEGATIVE TRAINING WITH OPEN COMMUNICATION.

Denial is one response to loss. A normal healthy grief process in children has many responses that change over time. Healthy grief is supported by open communication where family members, friends, and a supportive community witness each other's pain. Children can talk about their concerns, openly miss the parent who is gone, and share with others outside of the family. Youth will seek out resources that help, good or bad. Open communication is a positive skill that must be taught by modeling, training, and reinforcing competence. Talking about loss is a healthy coping skill and good listeners are positive resources for grieving children.

Children's primary way of communicating is not talking; it is behavior. In a Kids hurt too peer group, children have a positive peer group with whom they can express their grief by either doing positive activities or talking stories. Mentors model open communication and support safe and healthy choices for coping with parent loss. Children and parents gain competence and confidence in their ability to cope with the tragic loss of a parent. Open communication increases along with positive outcomes. The reality of parent loss is a heart breaking experience. Children need adults to be good listeners and positive peers to help heal their hearts.

Good News and much appreciation for major contributions to Kids hurt too!

Thank you for a grant of $10,000 from The Harry & Jeanette Weinberg Foundation's Christmas in July. Pictured here from left to right are Michelle Reece who designated KHT to receive the grant, Cynthia White, E.D., past participants/current mentors Jennifer Ching and Kara Conoly in front.

Thank you to the City and County of Honolulu for a $5,000 grant to provide training to drug and alcohol addiction workers and to parents in treatment. This grant also funds a Kids hurt too anti-drug and alcohol campaign so for the next few months our newsletters will be dedicated to educating on issues of preventing drug and alcohol use by grieving youth.

Thank you to the Compassion Capital 2 Fund for granting funds for strategic planning.

Thank you to Reginald G. Worthley for designating Kids hurt too as the beneficiary of contributions through Aloha United Way.

Thank you to Pepsi Bottling Group and First Horizon Home Loans for matching employee gifts. Does your company offer a matching gifts program? If it does, you can double your donation to Kids hurt too.