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Children and Adolescents "Not Telling the Truth"
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Though parents may be concerned, in many
ways lying is a normal part of the developmental
process of a child. An indication of a serious problem
occurs when the child’s lying becomes habitual or
compulsive. As caregivers of children, it is important
to label and focus on the behavior (i.e., “My child
chose not to tell the truth when_”) and not the child
(i.e., “My child is a liar.”). The words we use to
describe the behavior can have a profound effect on
a child. Using the phrase, “not tell the truth,” rather
than “lie,” can help a child view his/her actions in a
behavioral sense with consequences, as opposed to a
personality trait that becomes attached to the child’s
identity. There are many reasons why children may
choose to “not tell the truth.” One of the most
common motivations has to do with safety – to feel
protected from any harm, i.e., potential anger like
punishment or abuse. A child may be modeling the
behavior from witnessing others “not tell the truth.”
This is why it is imperative for parents to create a
safe and emotionally secure environment for a
child, one in which he/she feels comfortable telling
the truth and demonstrating honest behavior within
the home. Younger children may have difficulties in
separating
fantasy from reality and may not necessarily be
attempting to deceive the parent. They may also
have difficulties distinguishing the difference between
a “white lie” and a truly “deceitful lie.” By
adolescence, a child is aware of differences
between fantasy and reality and is usually more
skilled at “not telling the truth.” At this point in
his/her life, the motivations for “not telling the truth”
may be to protect his/her privacy, to gain his/her
independence, to avoid punishment, or to get
something he/she desires. It is important to provide
appropriate logical
consequences significant to the “not telling the
truth” behavior. The consequence must make sense
and matter to your child. For example, if your child
was untruthful regarding his/her homework for school
(i.e., “I did all my homework already.”) and you
received a call the next day from your child’s teacher
saying, “He/She did not turn in all his/her homework,”
one appropriate consequence could be to have
him/her do extra work above and beyond the
assigned work from the teacher for the next week.
Another possible consequence could be to take away
a privilege which significantly matters and holds
import to the child, i.e., a favorite activity, such as
the playing of a video or computer game.
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Aloha,
We hope you enjoy our first e-newsletter for Kids
Hurt Too: Healing Young Hearts, formerly called
Outreach for Grieving Youth Alliance (OGYA). We
believe a family's hope for tomorrow is in healing
young hearts today. Our new identity speaks directly
to what our organization addresses and "healing
young hearts" speaks to our mission and the result of
our efforts. While young people can be resilient, they
are in need of a way to express and cope with the
pain of loss. Kids hurt too is here to help. You can
help too. If you want to contribute or would like
information on a specific topic, contact us. Thank
you for reading.
Cynthia White, M.A., Executive
Director
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Surf for the Soul
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Kids Hurt Too held it's first annual Surf for the Soul.
Bereaved families from all over the Island came
together for a beach party. Children and teens
received free surf lessons. Many thanks to Hans
Hedemann Surf Schools and Johnny Boy Gomes for
your support.
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Children's Grief and Mental Health
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It is commonly understood that grief is a natural and
healthy reaction to loss. Loss is change. When a child
is grieving, he or she needs support not therapy
unless mental health problems develop. Problems
after a loss are directly linked to the number of
changes (i.e. losses) a child experiences as a result
of a single event like death, divorce, or separation
from parents. The highest number of changes occur
when a child enters foster care leading to a greater
risk for mental health problems. More loss is
experienced when parents divorce than when a
parent dies. Prevention of problems depends on the
stability of support systems and minimizing change.
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Kids Hurt Too Welcomes New Board Members
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Honorable Ed and Tammy Kubo joined the Kids Hurt
Too: Healing Young Hearts Board of Directors. We are
a family oriented program and it is a privilege to have
the Kubo’s work with us as a family, helping to
support some of Hawaii’s most vulnerable groups:
Orphans, foster children, children of divorce, and
single parents. Thank you for joining us and welcome.
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Kids Hurt Too Volunteer Profile
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Tim Wheeler, Board Treasurer, works with children
and families in our local programs. He has been
volunteering with grieving children for more than ten
years, starting at The Dougy Center, The National
Center for Grieving Children and Families in Portland,
Oregon. His commitment to healing young hearts is
exceeded only by his integrity. Thank you Tim.
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The Healing Function of Art
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Kids hurt too programs for grieving children provide
opportunities for creative expression. There are arts
and craft supplies available at every group and
special activities offered throughout the year.
Families worked together on a memory shadow box,
sharing stories of happier times. Children paint
pottery, fold origami, make picture frames, and
ornaments. We are open to new ideas and seeking
help with leading activities around Hawaiian crafts
and values. If you are interested in helping, please
contact us at 735-2989.
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Holly Gets a New Suit
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He used to be called “the tough guy,” named by the
children because “you can beat on him all day and he
doesn’t cry.” But now, he is named after his sponsor,
Holly Wet Suits, a Japan based company that custom
made a wet suit to make him tougher. Holly is a six
foot tall wrestling doll. He provides the children with
large muscle play and a safe way to release high
energy feelings.
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Mahalo to the Generous Hearts that Gave to Help Hawaii's Grieving Keiki
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Mahalo to our many sponsors that make it possible to
help grieving children in Hawaii.
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"Not Telling the Truth" continued
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Love, patience and understanding help to create an
environment in which children can feel safe and
secure to be truthful. In the event when a “not
telling the truth” incident arises, help your child
explain the specifics of what actually happened,
through positive encouragement. Removing your own
personal emotions and concerns from the arena is a
highly effective prerequisite for a successful
resolution to a “not telling the truth” situation. The
major focus must be on the child, on his/her feelings
and disposition. Listen patiently and respectfully as
he/she retells the situation, guiding and coaxing
him/her toward staying with the truth, reassuring
him/her that nothing is too “bad” for him/her to tell
you, and that, as his/her parents, you are always
there to help with a problem-solve and come up
with a “game plan.” Provide the feeling of being on
the same “team,” and offer your child the security of
your love, understanding, guidance and trust.
Written by David Ogata
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