Tony's Coaching Tip Find the gap
July 2006

Greetings!

Welcome to the July 2006 issue of Tony's Coaching Tip.

This is a bit of an experiment. I'm sitting in my local coffee establishment typing straight into my laptop. When it comes to writing, I am a bit of a Luddite as I like writing with pen on paper, but I recognise that typing what I've written into my computer does create an overhead. My concern is whether I will be able to write creatively with a keyboard and screen in the same way, or even in a different way, because I never know what I'm going to say until I sit down and start. Stuff just comes out.

Cyprus was fun, relaxing and very hot, a bit like it is here now. See the following picture and article for more details.

Book of the month is back this month as well as a new section of bits and pieces that includes other books I have read, films I have seen, concerts I have attended and other random thoughts. Let me know what you think.

Finally there is a quote at the beginning of this month's book of the month, which I think accurately reflects my belief of what it is to be a coach. It says "I am not a teacher: only a fellow-traveller of whom you asked the way. I pointed ahead - ahead of myself as well as you."

I guess that the way I am able to add value is that I am travelling the road a lot slower than most and I'm stopping to investigate every flower, stone, tree, insect, bird, cloud and fellow traveller on the route. Hence my so called "expert" status.

I hope you enjoy the tip this month.

in this issue
  • Quote of the month
  • Summer holiday
  • Book of the month
  • Bits and pieces
  • Feature: Find the gap

  • Summer holiday
    Cypus hills

    We had a glorious week in Cyprus at the end of last month. Barely a cloud was seen in the sky, the temperature was almost off the thermometer and the pool was right in front of our balcony.

    Apart from cooling ourselves in the pool we enjoyed the mountains and hills (see picture above) more than we did the local city of Paphos, which was a little on the touristy side.

    All in all though, it was a good week of R&R. An excellent opportunity to recharge the batteries.


    Book of the month


    My choice this month, although I have not finished it yet, is "You Can Have What You Want" by Michael Neill.

    I have been a subscriber for a number of years to Michael's own weekly coaching tip newsletter, which I find very useful. (To check out Michael's tip and/or subscribe, click on Michael's Weekly Coaching Tip.) Michael also works closely with Paul McKenna and Richard Bandler training NLP practitioners, and the book includes a forward by Paul McKenna.

    The book itself is packed with great tools, tips and techniques. Of the bits that I've read so far, I particularly like the sections on Wellbeing and Time.

    To take a look, click on: You Can Have What You Want


    Bits and pieces


    Books

    "Time to Think: Listening to Ignite the Human Mind" by Nancy Kline. An excellent book on the power of listening in helping people to find solutions to their own problems. It also provides a process for effective listening and suggests how to establish a Thinking environment in the workplace. *****

    "The Magic of Metaphor: 77 Stories for Teachers, Trainers and Thinkers" by Nick Owen. If you like stories, this has another version of the Rocks, Pebbles, Sand one and a few other really good ones. Overall slightly disappointing though. My expectations were set too high. ***

    DVDs

    "Ewan McGregor And Charley Boorman - Long Way Round [Special Edition]". If you didn't catch this on TV, which I didn't, watch this. It is a documentary of Ewan McGregor's and Charley Boorman's trip round the world on motorcycles. Great viewing. *****

    Gigs

    The Red Hot Chili Peppers - I saw the Chilis at Earls Court in London last week for the first time. I have never seen a band with so much energy. Every band member just exploded with energy from start to finish. These guys certainly know how to rock. *****


    Feature: Find the gap


    As I left the house to go to Caffe Nero this morning, laptop under my arm to write my coaching tip, I found a parking ticket on my courtesy car, which my garage has lent me while my car is in for a service. In my windscreen, clearly visible, written in black marker pen is a note explaining that my car is in the garage and that this is a courtesy car, with my permit for my car right next to it.

    Now I don't know how you react to situations like this, particularly when you don't realise that you have done anything wrong, but I have to say that my initial reaction was not pretty! A few minutes ago I was literally shaking with rage, frustration, anger and what felt like hatred. (OK, it's just me then.) I was ready to find the nearest traffic warden and pour a bucket of water over their head (although they might have enjoyed that in this weather), to find out where they live and make their lives a misery.

    At times like this I understand how murders and other crimes of passion happen. I am in victim mode. Not a pretty sight or a place of power.

    I think that it’s the feeling of powerlessness that is the most frustrating. But actually, I do have choice. I could find and strangle the traffic warden, or I could find out what the rules are for parking courtesy cars in a permit bay, and choose my response from there. I feel that I could then make a clear choice of what to do next and get on with the rest of my life.

    With the first option, or similar enraged alternative, I am the victim and I know that I would still be carrying the problem on my shoulder. It would be there impacting my freedom to choose in every area of my life.

    Also, if I am in the wrong, if it’s stipulated that you can’t use a parking permit on a courtesy car then I am at fault because I haven't found out the necessary information. After all, whose responsibility is it to find out such information? I could quite easily have called the parking office and asked the question before taking my car into the garage. Just because I didn’t, doesn’t excuse me.

    So my tip for this month is this. Most of us think about life as cause and effect and when someone does something "bad" to us it is their fault because they have upset us, angered us, frustrated us or whatever. But if you slow the process down, as I was able to do in Nero, there is always a reaction in between the cause and the effect.

    If you break the reaction down further, there is an emotional reaction, followed by a choice we can make, followed once again by our reactive response. Now the secret is to find the gap between the cause and effect to see the choice that is always there.

    Within the gap there is choice, which puts us back into a position of power, responsibility and operating within our circle of influence (see March's coaching tip).

    The coincidence here is that Michael Neill deals with this topic very effectively in my recommended book of the month, which I had recently read.

    So what will I do now? Find out what the rules are by telephoning the council. If I'm in the right I will appeal and if I'm in the wrong, I'll probably appeal as well actually. But I've now lost that angry, powerless feeling and the Tunbridge Wells traffic wardens can patrol the streets in safety.

    So the next time that your boss, your partner, your children, your mother or a traffic warden does something to upset, anger, frustrate or simply irritate you, STOP:

    Step back;

    Think;

    consider your Options;


    before you Proceed.

    Remember that an eye for an eye ends up with the whole world being blind. Perhaps an interesting thought to dwell on in the light of the current situation in the Middle East.

    Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this coaching tip why not forward it to a friend or colleague? Next issue on August 30th.

    Until next time,

    Tony

    Tony's Coaching Tip is published on the last Wednesday of each month to challenge, stimulate and inspire people who want to unlock their own potential and learn in the process. It is written by Tony Phillips, who coaches dynamic individuals and teams to swing out and play a bigger game. Worldwide.

    The names of coaching tip subscribers will never be shared or sold.

    You are free to use material from Tony's Coaching Tip in whole or in part, as long as you include the complete attribution, including e-mail link. Also, please notify me where and when the material will appear. Thanks.

    � 2006 Tony Phillips - All Rights Reserved


    Quote of the month
    Tony (cropped)

    “Now and then, it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”

    - Guillaume Apollinaire



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