As I left the house to go to Caffe Nero this
morning, laptop under my arm to write my coaching
tip, I found a parking ticket on my courtesy car,
which my garage has lent me while my car is in for a
service. In my windscreen, clearly visible, written in
black marker pen is a note explaining that my car is
in the garage and that this is a courtesy car, with
my permit for my car right next to it.
Now I don't know how you react to situations like
this, particularly when you don't realise that you
have done anything wrong, but I have to say that
my initial reaction was not pretty! A few minutes ago
I was literally shaking with rage, frustration, anger
and what felt like hatred. (OK, it's just me then.) I
was ready to find the nearest traffic warden and
pour a bucket of water over their head (although
they might have enjoyed that in this weather), to
find out where they live and make their lives a misery.
At times like this I understand how murders and other
crimes of passion happen. I am in victim mode. Not a
pretty sight or a place of power.
I think that it’s the feeling of powerlessness that is
the most frustrating. But actually, I do have
choice. I could find and strangle the traffic
warden, or I could find out what the rules
are for parking courtesy cars in a permit bay, and
choose my response from there. I feel that I could
then make a clear choice of what to do next and get
on with the rest of my life.
With the first option, or similar enraged alternative, I
am the victim and I know that I would still be
carrying the problem on my shoulder. It would be
there impacting my freedom to choose in every area
of my life.
Also, if I am in the wrong, if it’s stipulated
that you can’t use a parking permit on a courtesy car
then I am at fault because I haven't found out the
necessary information. After all, whose responsibility
is it to find out such information? I could quite easily
have called the parking office and asked the question
before taking my car into the garage. Just because I
didn’t, doesn’t excuse me.
So my tip for this month is this. Most of us think
about life as cause and effect and when someone
does something "bad" to us it is their fault because
they have upset us, angered us, frustrated us or
whatever. But if you slow the process down, as I
was able to do in Nero, there is always a reaction in
between the cause and the effect.
If you break the reaction down further, there is an
emotional reaction, followed by a choice we can
make, followed once again by our reactive response.
Now the secret is to find the gap between the cause
and effect to see the choice that is always there.
Within the gap there is choice, which puts us back
into a position of power, responsibility and operating
within our circle of influence (see March's coaching
tip).
The coincidence here is that Michael Neill deals with
this topic very effectively in my recommended book
of the month, which I had recently read.
So what will I do now? Find out what the rules are by
telephoning the council. If I'm in the right I will
appeal and if I'm in the wrong, I'll probably appeal as
well actually. But I've now lost that angry, powerless
feeling and the Tunbridge Wells traffic wardens
can patrol the streets in safety.
So the next time that your boss, your partner, your
children, your mother or a traffic warden does
something to upset, anger, frustrate or simply irritate
you, STOP:
Step back;
Think;
consider your Options;