Postpartum Times
A quarterly newsletter of PSI of WA 
September 2009
PSI of WA Celebrates 20 Years!
Please join us for a celebratory luncheon
October 28, 2009
11:30 a.m. - 1:30 p.m.
Pacific Ballroom
Seattle Hilton, 1301 6th Avenue
In This Issue
Welcome Tammy Putvin, our new chairperson
Insights about male postpartum depression by Derek Trlica
Resources for new and expecting fathers
Events on Sept. 21 and 30
888-404-PPMD (7763)
PSI of WA's support line is for mothers, families and professionals seeking support, information and resources. Volunteers return calls throughout the day. You also can visit PSI of WA at www.ppmdsupport.com.
Join Our Mailing List!
 Letter from the Executive Director
It's been an exciting few months since our last newsletter!  We are excited about the addition of our new chairperson, Tammy Putvin, MA. She's such a dynamo and a delight to work with. Tammy and I had an excellent time at the international PSI conference this past August in Los Angeles, learning the latest in research and treatment options. 

Our Washington organization has also agreed to host the international PSI conference in 2011, which should be fantastic!

We are also busy planning our celebration event for PSI of WA's 20th Anniversary. Did you know that PSI of WA is the oldest continuously operating state organization serving perinatal mood disorders in the ENTIRE COUNTRY?! This is an amazing accomplishment, and I'm so proud to be serving Washington families through this incredibly resilient organization. I hope to see you at our luncheon on October 28th. You don't want to miss this momentous milestone! For tickets, please visit: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/81860.
 
Lastly, we are doing a major facelift and improvement of our logo and website design. Please check it out: www.ppmdsupport.com.
 
Enjoy these warm sunny autumn days!

Heidi Koss-Nobel, MA
Executive Director, PSI of WA
Welcoming Tammy Putvin, our new board chairperson
Tammy Putvin, MA, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Olympia, WA. Tammy has dynamic leadership qualities with excellent working knowledge of systems, including prior non-profit and board of directors experience. Tammy has a warm, realistic and caring manner when approaching postpartum adjustment.

She experienced moderate postpartum anxiety & depression (undiagnosed for months) with her first child. In her practice, Tammy helps the mother and her whole system (family and friends) become aware of the issues around the adjustment period and how to effectively strategize for health, safety and recovery. She is an amazing wealth of resources and connections as she has spent most of her 20+ year career in Maternal and Child Health.

In addition to her private practice in Olympia, Tammy provides educational workshops and therapeutic groups on a variety of topics. She also coordinates PSI of WA's free Postpartum Support Group for the Thurston County community and provides consultation to various health care professionals serving pregnant and postpartum women and their families. 

The other topics Tammy supports in her practice: children and their families with sensory integration issues, grief and loss from fertility loss, miscarriage and stillborn loss, partnerships thriving while raising children, healing birth, breastfeeding and early parenting wounds as well as the Sacred Tasks & Sacred Currency of Parenthood. 

Tammy enjoys spending time outside work with her life partner Ted, and growing daughters Ally and Ella as well as their huge Lab, Buddy. She loves poetry, writing, Qigong, knitting, walking, water and fun.  She is passionate about being a part of helping someone live the best life they can live. She may be contacted at  360-349-2346 or [email protected]. Help us welcome Tammy as our new Chairperson!
A personal look at male postpartum depression
One in ten new fathers experiences enough anxiety and depression to be diagnosed with male postpartum depression, research has shown. Most go untreated. There's little awareness that men can have this diagnosis, and many fathers feel compelled to be "strong" for their families, suffering stoically through emotionally difficult times.

Derek Trlica is a father and a psychotherapist in Seattle. When his daughter was born in 2007, he says he experienced an urgent desire to become the best, most powerful person he could possibly be, for her sake. That drive has repeatedly bumped up against his entrenched beliefs about what he is and isn't capable of in life. The result has been periodic bouts of intense fear and anxiety.

This experience led him to establish Intentional Dads, a supportive community for new and expecting fathers. He sees new fathers for individual therapy, and he leads bi-monthly drop-in support groups for overwhelmed dads. 

PSI of Washington thanks Trlica for writing about his experience in this issue of Postpartum Times and for sharing a list of resources for dads, which appears below his article. Trlica also will lead an evening for dads on Sept. 30 (details below).
By Derek Trlica
 
Being stressed out is normal for new parents. Most of the time, what we're stressed out about is just that: simple stress. But sometimes, there's more to it than just that. Sometimes, our stress relates to more emotional issues.

On the night my wife and I learned she was pregnant, the first thing I did was run to the computer and research fetal alcohol syndrome. I couldn't stop thinking about those four little glasses of wine my wife had drunk during a recent wine-tasting trip to Walla Walla. I was deep into WebMD when she said, "Hello? Can we, you know, connect and be happy about having a baby?" All I said was, "In a minute."

Thus began a unique and surprising journey for me, one that I'm still on. More than just figuring out how to raise a child, it has involved going deep into myself to confront some of the fundamental assumptions I have about who I am as a man.

Fatherhood has been one of the richest, most rewarding experiences I've ever had. It has also been the most challenging. Besides the real-world overwhelm and stress of caring for a baby, there have been more abstract worries - things like being a father and husband who is able to protect and provide for my family. 

These worries can easily turn into terrifying imaginary scenarios, usually involving me having to shield my daughter from some sort of boogeyman, and of failing.  Sometimes, in the dead of night, I can get scary, post-apocalyptic type fantasies. (I once caught myself thinking, "What kind of lousy father will you be when you can't keep your daughter safe from the flesh-eating zombies? You suck!")

In addition to this, I'm also deluged with worries about money, career, spousal support, attachment parenting, sex, self-care, college educations, vaccinations, future boyfriends, mental and physical exhaustion, and voices saying, "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!"

It's enough to pull me into a deep black hole of fear and paralysis.

But of course, I don't want to be paralyzed. In fact, I'm shouldn't be paralyzed - not if my forefathers' voices have anything to say about it. Like most men, my father taught me that action is paramount, especially when it comes to protecting and providing for the family. "Stop your whining," I tell myself. "Get off your butt and do something!"

A real man would. A real man wouldn't get frozen when it comes to keeping his family safe. He would get up, roll a cigarette, and blow those zombies bastards to hell before the coffee's even cold. Family safe, job done.

So now, here is my black hole of overwhelming fear - and there is my brittle, shaming resistance to getting sucked into it. And I'm caught in to the middle, feeling like I'm being drawn & quartered.

It's a perfect storm of anxiety and tension.

The trick is that I don't always know it's happening, however. Sometimes the anxiety can simply appear as a black mood or a sleepless night. During those moments, all I know is that I feel totally crummy.
 
What's more, this is all in the midst of a larger experience of utter love, awe, and delight at this beautiful being who has come into our lives. (How disconcerting it is to be so in love and so stressed out at the same time.) It's all so confusing!
 
Although at times I felt like the first man ever to feel insecure about becoming a father, part of me has wondered if other fathers experienced these feelings, too. After checking around, I've learned that many new fathers feel isolated and underconfident. I can't tell you how helpful this has been, to understand that lots of fathers probably share some degree of what I've gone through.

What's sad, however, is that many men don't realize they aren't alone. To many fathers, a black mood is simply a black mood. And maybe it is. But guys don't tend to examine their emotional underpinnings -- probably due to the stoic, silent fathering many of us received -- and too many fathers suffer quietly and just try to keep going.

Fortunately, this is changing, if the growing number of resources for fathers -- websites, books, support groups -- is an indication. This is cool, because it reflects and encourages men's interest in being more intentional with how they show up as a parent.

Learning to take responsibility is one of the most important lessons we can teach our children. For me, it has involved facing my demons on a more fundamental level than ever before.

On nights when I tell myself that I can't fail my daughter even though I probably will, "taking responsibility" means looking beyond the fears and seeing the doubts that hold them up. It means relaxing into the anxiety, so that I can deal with what's underneath. If I can do this, then maybe I'll be able to teach her how to do it for herself.
 
Stress comes in all shapes and sizes. Some men have leftover issues with their own fathers that get in the way of being a dad. Others have unresolved emotional wounds that are suddenly triggered by a baby's arrival. Still other guys get freaked out thinking that their old pre-baby life of more freedom and less responsibility is gone forever. There's also a host of situational stuff that bring unique experiences, like whether it's a boy or a girl, how many other kids there already are, blended families, if the baby is sick or healthy, etc.

No matter what the unique expectations, reactions, and conditions, baggage is baggage is baggage. Leaving difficult emotions unaddressed can prevent a man from really showing up with his child.

For children, having a parent who is present and attuned is every bit as vital as food and shelter. It's what helps a child develop a stable sense of self, which is another way of saying he or she is "well-adjusted." I don't know any parents who don't want that for their kids. For a father, dealing with his emotions as a way of helping his child might just be the most important thing he can do.

Don't suffer alone. One of the most important things I've learned is that fathers need to connect with other fathers. Talking to my wife and family helped, but what helped the most was talking with other guys who were in the same spot. They're the ones who really got it. And being understood by others who know exactly how I feel has been a powerful agent to get me through the tough moments.

Resources for new and expecting fathers (from Derek Trlica)
Groups
  • For expecting fathers, a great place to start is a two-hour class called "Conscious Fathering" that discusses what dads can learn about "how to meet baby's cycle of care, [and] learn a framework for solid fathering." Developed by Bernie Dorsey, it is offered monthly at lots of area hospitals.
  • There's also a group in Bellevue called "Father's First Steps." It's a six-week course led by Joe Butler that focuses on "helping new dads form attached relationships with their babies.
  • "Intentional Dads is the name of the group that I lead. It's a drop-in group for new and expecting dads to come and talk about their experience. We offer support for the stress, strategies for handling difficult situations, and ideas for making it a fun, positive experience.
 
Websites
Just plug in "fathers", "fatherhood", or any variation into Google, and you'll find an endless parade of sites dedicated to fatherhood.
  • I like Fathers.com for its breadth. Fatherville.com has a wide variety of articles for just about any kind of father. InteractiveDadMagazine.com focuses on many areas of the fathering experience.
  • I'm also building an online community with resources, referrals, and boards for discussions and feedback at IntentionalDads.com.
  • If you or any father you know could be suffering from Male Postpartum Depression, there's a site out called PostpartumMen.com where you can find specific resources and help. Although there's a survey to assess symptoms, only a thorough evaluation by a professional can diagnose a mood disorder.
 
Books
  • My favorite book of dad essays is "Pacify Me: A Handbook for the Freaked-Out New Dad" by Chris Mancini.
  • A really good self-help fatherhood book is "Coaching for Fatherhood: Teaching Men New Roles in Life" by Lewis Epstein.
  • Another personal favorite is "Everyday Blessings: The Inner Workings of Mindful Parenting" by Myla & Jon Kabat-Zinn.
Events this month
We're proud to present two events this month with wonderful speakers discussing parenthood. Suggested donation of $5 benefits PSI of Washington.
 
From 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. on Monday, Sept. 21 (that's now!), Mara Applebaum, PhD, will explore "Mother/Daughter Wounds: Challenges & Victories of Undermothered Women." The event is co-sponsored by Swedish Medical Center and will be held in the Education and Conference Center, Room D, of its Cherry Hill campus (500 17th Ave., Seattle).
 
From 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 30, Derek Trlica (our guest columnist, above), leads "Intentional Fatherhood: Cultivating a Vision of the Kind of Father You'd Like to Be" at Mosaic Coffeehouse, 4401 2nd Ave. NE., Seattle.
 
To RSVP for either or both, please call 888-404-7763 or e-mail [email protected].
 
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To advertise in Postpartum Times, please e-mail [email protected]. The newsletter reaches more than 500 subscribers, and ads cost $100 for four online issues.
Become a Member
PSIlogoPSI of WA is a non-profit organization that provides personal support for women with postpartum mood disorders and their families. It strives to educate the public, families and health care practitioners about the nature and management of these disorders through conferences, networking and special publications.
 
Benefits of membership include: Quarterly e-newsletters, opportunities to network with professionals in related fields, ability for qualified Professional Members to be listed in a directory that is sent to agencies statewide, used by volunteers on the phone support line and posted on PSI of WA's web site.
 
Membership is available at two levels: Professional ($100/year) and Supporting ($50/year) and runs September through August. For more information, see www.ppmdsupport.com or leave a message at 888-404-PPMD (7763).
Request for referrals and volunteers
Request for care provider referrals: PSI of WA is working to build its referral list of care providers outside the Seattle area.To be listed on our provider referral list, please contact Juliana Nason Ashe at [email protected].
 
We're also looking for volunteers, including people for these board positions:

Treasurer of the Board of Directors
Subcommittee coordinators and members of these subcommittees:
Co-coordinator for phone volunteers (with Mia Edidin)
Incoming mail management and distribution coordinator
Membership coordinator
Support Groups coordinator
Fundraising coordinator
Education Services coordinator
Conference Coordinator
Multi-cultural services coordinator
Advertising coordinator
 
Members to assist the marketing/outreach coordinator promoting our booklet (new revised edition hot off the presses in about two months!)
 
Inquiries for volunteer positions can be directed to Executive Director Heidi Koss-Nobel, at
[email protected].
Professionals and families use our booklets, "Beyond the Birth: What No One Ever Talks About," to better understand postpartum mood disorders. They cost $6.50 each, with discounts for large orders. Please phone 888-404-PPMD (7763) to order. Free brochures called "Speak Up When You're Down" include PSI of WA's support line number and can be ordered in English and Spanish at www.wcpcan.wa.gov/ppd/home.htm.