Welcoming Tammy Putvin, our new board chairperson
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Tammy Putvin, MA, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Olympia, WA. Tammy has dynamic leadership qualities with excellent working knowledge of systems, including prior non-profit and board of directors experience. Tammy has a warm, realistic and caring manner when approaching postpartum adjustment.
She experienced moderate postpartum anxiety & depression (undiagnosed for months) with her first child. In her practice, Tammy helps the mother and her whole system (family and friends) become aware of the issues around the adjustment period and how to effectively strategize for health, safety and recovery. She is an amazing wealth of resources and connections as she has spent most of her 20+ year career in Maternal and Child Health.
In addition to her private practice in Olympia, Tammy provides educational workshops and therapeutic groups on a variety of topics. She also coordinates PSI of WA's free Postpartum Support Group for the Thurston County community and provides consultation to various health care professionals serving pregnant and postpartum women and their families.
The other topics Tammy supports in her practice: children and their families with sensory integration issues, grief and loss from fertility loss, miscarriage and stillborn loss, partnerships thriving while raising children, healing birth, breastfeeding and early parenting wounds as well as the Sacred Tasks & Sacred Currency of Parenthood.
Tammy enjoys spending time outside work with her life partner Ted, and growing daughters Ally and Ella as well as their huge Lab, Buddy. She loves poetry, writing, Qigong, knitting, walking, water and fun. She is passionate about being a part of helping someone live the best life they can live. She may be contacted at 360-349-2346 or [email protected]. Help us welcome Tammy as our new Chairperson!
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A personal look at male postpartum depression
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One in ten new fathers experiences enough anxiety and depression to be diagnosed with male postpartum depression, research has shown. Most go untreated. There's little awareness that men can have this diagnosis, and many fathers feel compelled to be "strong" for their families, suffering stoically through emotionally difficult times.
Derek Trlica is a father and a psychotherapist in Seattle. When his daughter was born in 2007, he says he experienced an urgent desire to become the best, most powerful person he could possibly be, for her sake. That drive has repeatedly bumped up against his entrenched beliefs about what he is and isn't capable of in life. The result has been periodic bouts of intense fear and anxiety.
This experience led him to establish Intentional Dads, a supportive community for new and expecting fathers. He sees new fathers for individual therapy, and he leads bi-monthly drop-in support groups for overwhelmed dads.
PSI of Washington thanks Trlica for writing about his experience in this issue of Postpartum Times and for sharing a list of resources for dads, which appears below his article. Trlica also will lead an evening for dads on Sept. 30 (details below). |
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By Derek Trlica
Being stressed out is normal for new parents. Most of the
time, what we're stressed out about is just that: simple stress. But sometimes,
there's more to it than just that. Sometimes, our stress relates to more
emotional issues.
On the night my
wife and I learned she was pregnant, the first thing I did was run to the
computer and research fetal alcohol syndrome. I couldn't stop thinking about
those four little glasses of wine my wife had drunk during a recent
wine-tasting trip to Walla Walla. I was deep into WebMD when she said,
"Hello? Can we, you know, connect and be happy about having a baby?"
All I said was, "In a minute."
Thus began a unique
and surprising journey for me, one that I'm still on. More than just figuring
out how to raise a child, it has involved going deep into myself to confront
some of the fundamental assumptions I have about who I am as a man.
Fatherhood has been
one of the richest, most rewarding experiences I've ever had. It has also been
the most challenging. Besides the real-world overwhelm and stress of caring for
a baby, there have been more abstract worries - things like being a father and
husband who is able to protect and provide for my family.
These worries can
easily turn into terrifying imaginary scenarios, usually involving me having to
shield my daughter from some sort of boogeyman, and of failing.
Sometimes, in the dead of night, I can get scary, post-apocalyptic type
fantasies. (I once caught myself thinking, "What kind of lousy father will
you be when you can't keep your daughter safe from the flesh-eating zombies?
You suck!")
In addition to this,
I'm also deluged with worries about money, career, spousal support,
attachment parenting, sex, self-care, college educations, vaccinations, future
boyfriends, mental and physical exhaustion, and voices saying, "YOU CAN'T
DO THIS!"
It's enough to pull me
into a deep black hole of fear and paralysis.
But of course, I don't
want to be paralyzed. In fact, I'm shouldn't be paralyzed - not if
my forefathers' voices have anything to say about it. Like most men, my father
taught me that action is paramount, especially when it comes to protecting and
providing for the family. "Stop your whining," I tell myself. "Get off your
butt and do something!"
A real man would. A real man wouldn't get frozen when it comes to keeping his family
safe. He would get up, roll a cigarette, and blow those zombies bastards to
hell before the coffee's even cold. Family safe, job done.
So now, here is my
black hole of overwhelming fear - and there is my brittle, shaming resistance
to getting sucked into it. And I'm caught in to the middle, feeling like I'm
being drawn & quartered.
It's a perfect storm
of anxiety and tension.
The trick is that I
don't always know it's happening, however. Sometimes the anxiety can
simply appear as a black mood or a sleepless night. During those moments, all I
know is that I feel totally crummy.
What's more, this is
all in the midst of a larger experience of utter love, awe, and delight at this
beautiful being who has come into our lives. (How disconcerting it is to be so
in love and so stressed out at the same time.) It's all so confusing!
Although at times I felt like the first man ever to feel insecure
about becoming a father, part of me has wondered if other fathers experienced
these feelings, too. After checking around, I've learned that many new fathers
feel isolated and underconfident. I can't tell you how helpful this has been,
to understand that lots of fathers probably share some degree of what I've gone
through.
What's sad, however, is that many men don't realize they aren't
alone. To many fathers, a black mood is simply a black mood. And maybe it is.
But guys don't tend to examine their emotional underpinnings
-- probably due to the stoic, silent fathering many of us
received -- and too many fathers suffer quietly and just try to
keep going.
Fortunately, this is changing, if the growing number
of resources for fathers -- websites, books, support groups
-- is an indication. This is cool, because it reflects and encourages
men's interest in being more intentional with how they show up as a parent.
Learning to take responsibility is one of the most
important lessons we can teach our children. For
me, it has involved facing my demons on a more fundamental
level than ever before.
On nights when I tell myself that
I can't fail my daughter even though I probably will, "taking
responsibility" means looking beyond the fears and seeing the doubts that
hold them up. It means relaxing into the anxiety, so that I can deal with
what's underneath. If I can do this, then maybe I'll be able to teach her
how to do it for herself.
Stress comes in all shapes and sizes. Some men have
leftover issues with their own fathers that get in the way of being a dad.
Others have unresolved emotional wounds that are suddenly triggered by a
baby's arrival. Still other guys get freaked out thinking that their old
pre-baby life of more freedom and less responsibility is gone forever. There's
also a host of situational stuff that bring unique experiences,
like whether it's a boy or a girl, how many other kids there already are,
blended families, if the baby is sick or healthy, etc.
No matter what the unique expectations, reactions, and
conditions, baggage is baggage is baggage. Leaving difficult emotions
unaddressed can prevent a man from really showing up with his child.
For children, having a parent who is present and attuned is
every bit as vital as food and shelter. It's what helps a child develop a
stable sense of self, which is another way of saying he or she is
"well-adjusted." I don't know any parents who don't want that
for their kids. For a father, dealing with his emotions as a way of helping his
child might just be the most important thing he can do.
Don't suffer alone. One
of the most important things I've learned is that fathers need to connect with
other fathers. Talking to my wife and family helped, but what helped the
most was talking with other guys who were in the same spot. They're the ones
who really got it. And being understood by others who know exactly how I feel
has been a powerful agent to get me through the tough moments.
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Resources for new and expecting fathers (from Derek Trlica) |
Groups- For expecting fathers, a great place to start is a two-hour class called "Conscious Fathering" that discusses what dads can learn about "how to meet baby's cycle of care, [and] learn a framework for solid fathering." Developed by Bernie Dorsey, it is offered monthly at lots of area hospitals.
- There's also a group in Bellevue called "Father's First Steps." It's a six-week course led by Joe Butler that focuses on "helping new dads form attached relationships with their babies.
- "Intentional Dads is the name of the group that I lead. It's a drop-in group for new and expecting dads to come and talk about their experience. We offer support for the stress, strategies for handling difficult situations, and ideas for making it a fun, positive experience.
WebsitesJust plug in "fathers", "fatherhood", or any variation into Google, and you'll find an endless parade of sites dedicated to fatherhood. - I like Fathers.com for its breadth. Fatherville.com has a wide variety of articles for just about any kind of father. InteractiveDadMagazine.com focuses on many areas of the fathering experience.
- I'm also building an online community with resources, referrals, and boards for discussions and feedback at IntentionalDads.com.
- If you or any father you know could be suffering from Male Postpartum Depression, there's a site out called PostpartumMen.com where you can find specific resources and help. Although there's a survey to assess symptoms, only a thorough evaluation by a professional can diagnose a mood disorder.
Books
- My favorite book of dad essays is "Pacify Me: A Handbook for the Freaked-Out New Dad" by Chris Mancini.
- A really good self-help fatherhood book is "Coaching for Fatherhood: Teaching Men New Roles in Life" by Lewis Epstein.
- Another personal favorite is "Everyday Blessings: The Inner Workings of Mindful Parenting" by Myla & Jon Kabat-Zinn.
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Events this month |
We're proud to present two events this month with wonderful speakers discussing parenthood. Suggested donation of $5 benefits PSI of Washington.
From 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. on Monday, Sept. 21 (that's now!), Mara Applebaum, PhD, will explore "Mother/Daughter Wounds: Challenges & Victories of Undermothered Women." The event is co-sponsored by Swedish Medical Center and will be held in the Education and Conference Center, Room D, of its Cherry Hill campus (500 17th Ave., Seattle).
From 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 30, Derek Trlica (our guest columnist, above), leads "Intentional Fatherhood: Cultivating a Vision of the Kind of Father You'd Like to Be" at Mosaic Coffeehouse, 4401 2nd Ave. NE., Seattle.
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To advertise in Postpartum Times, please e-mail [email protected]. The newsletter reaches more than 500 subscribers, and ads cost $100 for four online issues. | |
Become a Member |
PSI of WA is a non-profit organization that provides personal support for women with postpartum mood disorders and their families. It strives to educate the public, families and health care practitioners about the nature and management of these disorders through conferences, networking and special publications.
Benefits of membership include: Quarterly e-newsletters, opportunities to network with professionals in related fields, ability for qualified Professional Members to be listed in a directory that is sent to agencies statewide, used by volunteers on the phone support line and posted on PSI of WA's web site.
Membership is available at two levels: Professional ($100/year) and Supporting ($50/year) and runs September through August. For more information, see www.ppmdsupport.com or leave a message at 888-404-PPMD (7763). |
Request for referrals and volunteers |
Request for care provider referrals: PSI of WA is working to build its referral list of care providers outside the Seattle area.To be listed on our provider referral list, please contact Juliana Nason Ashe at [email protected].
We're also looking for volunteers, including people for these board positions:
Treasurer of the Board of Directors Subcommittee coordinators and members of these subcommittees:
Co-coordinator for phone volunteers (with Mia Edidin) Incoming mail management and distribution coordinator Membership coordinator Support Groups coordinator Fundraising coordinator Education Services coordinator Conference Coordinator Multi-cultural services coordinator Advertising coordinator
Members to assist the marketing/outreach coordinator promoting our booklet (new revised edition hot off the presses in about two months!) Inquiries for volunteer positions can be directed to Executive Director Heidi Koss-Nobel, at [email protected]. | |