Those of you that have been following Sparks Fly! for a while have deduced that I don't like to talk about anger. I prefer the glass half full approach. However, anger is a real feeling that at times we each have to navigate our way through, the best way we can.

I'm often asked, "What do you do when a customer, (friend, spouse, son, daughter, etc) makes you angry? How do you get rid of that feeling? And when they are angry, how do you help them get rid of that anger, especially when it's directed at you?"

Let's see if we can maybe help each other find some understanding and awareness of what is going on. Then maybe we can each select the responses that work best for us, when we find ourselves caught up in a feeling of anger.  

 

What is Anger?

I'm someone who believes that emotions are raw energy looking for definition.  Energy gets labeled by us as a feeling, in this case, anger. The feeling of anger, is not necessarily bad but how it gets expressed, and how long you define it that way, can be devastating.

Let's talk about anger in the context of cause and effect which simply stated says, 'For every Action, there is an equal Reaction'.  We'll use Love as our first example. If we label our energy output as 'Love' and agree that love is an Action, the Reaction is an equal backlash of energy usually also labeled as love. That feeling gets absorbed and further expressed in our bodies and minds as; improved health, happiness, peace, calm, focus, positive self esteem, trust, etc. 

When we label our energy output with the feeling of 'anger' (the action), the resulting reaction is just as powerful, probably more so, because the person we direct our energy at add their own energy to ours to push it away from them. The energy blast that comes back at us is usually not relabeled either. Soooo what bounces back is anger on roids fueled by their added protective energy. Those feelings of anger get absorbed by both and eventually become expressed as; sickness, exhaustion, apathy, depression, sadness, feelings of being a victim, distrust,etc.

Here's the thing. We like energy. We absorb energy. We live on energy. Using up energy to defend ourselves against perceived attack is inefficient and very taxing. That's why we get sick.

Success Attracts Success When you check in on people that you admire, you will find that at some point in their life, they made a conscious decision about who they will spend time with. They have realized, in a very practical way, that we are energy beings that need energy to function. Since energy flows to energy, they make conscious decisions to be around strong energy fields so that energy can be easily shared. However, these people are discriminating. Successful people seek specific kinds of energy sources.

Successful people understand and appreciate that energy carries with it the feelings, we assign to it.

Simply put, if you don't want to receive anger, don't hang around people and things that exude energy  labeled as anger.

Know Your Triggers

I know that some of you, probably all of us at one time or another, me included, are thinking,
I think we're right - sort of.

The minefield we have to navigate to get there, is our own hot buttons - others behaviors that trigger anger in us. Truth is, if we keep exposing ourselves to those buttons, they will continue to get pushed.

When our buttons are pushed (action) we end up choosing the same behaviors (reaction). AND, because we keep choosing to go through the cycle, it keeps getting reinforced and becomes an even stronger habit. The effect is that we don't send back love like we planned, we send back anger and blame to the very people we say we are committed to change.

But, and here is the point, we are doing all of it. Not them. We are in our own closed loop.

We've got to know our buttons, practice new habits to stay away from them and when 'pushed' seek new behaviors that will diffuse and redefine.

Make Love Not War

We CAN change others but I have become convinced that the way to do that can seem counter intuitive.

We have to change ourselves.

My conclusion can appear hard to do and is certainly not as initially satisfying as telling people how to change, why we're right and why they're wrong.

But if we genuinely want to help people, we have to choose to become hosts of the virus with which we hope to infect others. We have to label our energy with the feeling of love.

 

A wise and genuinely loving being, she patiently explained to me, after handing me a Q-Tip, to 'Quit Taking It Personally'. She said, "An action is simply that, an action. It only gains meaning and therefore any feeling, when WE label it."

Train yourself to let the angry customer be. It is not about you. It is about them. Help them diffuse their closed loop by relabeling your reactive energy with feelings of love. Because you can.

Bruce Cameron

Front Line Marketing
312-952-9952
Send me an email to get started