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Real apologies are a conversation tool to repair relationships we have damaged and want to make right again.
Here are the elements of a real apology:
- You acknowledge the fault or offense
- You express regret for it
- You take responsibility for it
As well, when possible, suggest a way to fix the matter, like paying to repair the dent you put in your neighbors car.
Example: "Bill, I scratched your car when I pulled out of my driveway, and I'm awfully sorry for being so careless and causing that damage. I want to make things right with you, so please give me the bill for getting it repaired. Later, if you're open to it, I'd like to take you and Susan to dinner at a time that's convenient for you both."
Example: "Jane, I know I embarrassed you terribly when I publicly made fun of the cake you brought to our party. I regret saying that it looked like a lop-sided space ship and the harm that caused you. That was mean, and I own up to it. I hope you can forgive me."
Here are some aspects of various fake apologies:
- The buck doesn't stop anywhere because the perpetrator(s) use the passive voice, like "Mistakes were made." (Really? Who made them?)
- "Iffy" statements, like "If anyone was offended by what I said, I'm sorry." (This speaker had used labels that were obviously racist and now tries to "if" away those slurs.)
- Pre-emptive strike: "Sorry if this offends you, Herman, but I think you're as dumb as a bag of hammers." (You're sorry? Really?)
- General, not specific. The business fails, investors lose money, and the CEO says only that "I am sorry all this happened. I deeply regret our current situation."
This list is not exhaustive, and I'm sure you can think of other types of fake apologies.
When you apologize to repair a relationship, both you and they can be made whole, but only if you satisfy the 3 elements above and the aggrieved party accepts your apology. Sometimes people will decline your apology and hold a grudge, or, if extreme harm has occurred, a simple apology cannot heal the wounds.
A Final note: It is possible to apologize too frequently, even to apologize on behalf of others, or for things you didn't do. However, apologizing too frequently for trivial things weakens their effectiveness to repair relationships. I think it's best not to over-use this tool .
Until next week,
Loren
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