Many subscribers have complained about too-talkative people who overwhelm them. Most recently Shirley asked me "How can I deal with those people?"
First, let's face it. Many folks are about ME instead of WE. That's a problem, because without the collaboration of WE, no conversation takes place. Only monologues in the presence of others.
The English language is rich with adjectives for the tendency to talk too much:
chatty, disclosive, effusive, endless, fluent, frank, free-tongued, gabby, garrulous, gassy, gushy, long-winded, loquacious, mouthy, outspoken, overtalkative, prolix, protracted, spun-out, talky, verbose, voluble, windy, wordy.
Why are some folks so talkative?
- Anxiety: Fears that if they don't talk fast and long, they won't be heard. (Growing up in a family where children had to vie for attention can contribute to this.)
- Competitiveness: Thinking that conversation is a contest with winners having the last word and losers giving in.
- "See me!" tendencies. Ego. Showing off. Demanding to be the center of attention.
- Cultural and ethnic influences: Examples: On a spectrum, Finns talk little, Italians talk a lot (and enjoy doing so.) Some Native Americans -- such as Navahos and Hopis -- are relatively soft-spoken and sparing with words.
- Regional influences: For example, in the U.S., New Yorkers talk fast and fluently. Folks from Vermont and Maine talk briefly. Southerners may talk at length, but more slowly.
For those many who have asked me "What can I do when others talk so much?" here are some suggestions:
1. Ask the loquacious ones to slow down. "Would you talk a bit more slowly? I'm having trouble following you." (Requesting a change in behavior often works.)
2. Tactfully Interrupt. When the verbose one takes a breath, claim the space by saying something like "Excuse me. May I respond to that?"
3. Assert yourself. Don't wait for the super-talker to give you a turn. Take it. "What say is interesting, and I'd like to add something."
4. In meetings, use a time-keeper who doesn't allow participants to make lengthy speeches. (This is standard in the U.S. Congress, for example.) Even for informal conversation groups (like Conversation Cafes), a host enforces the rules of brevity.
5. If you are introverted, you'll often be overwhelmed by extraverted talkers. But don't expect them to change to your style because you wish it to be so -- any more than you'd expect a right-handed person to become left-handed. Instead, make some adjustments.
The great Johnny Carson of the Tonight Show, an extreme introvert, kept up with his often-windy guests by being actively involved, asking disarming questions, even teasing them. Matt Lauer, host of NBC's Today Show since 1997 and also an introvert, fully engages and guides his chatty guests without being effusive himself.
Above all, don't just be resentful that some folks talk so much. Instead, be pro-active and make some small changes in your conversational behavior. Then the talky ones will begin to adjust to you.
Until next week,
Loren