You guessed it! That one skill is high-quality listening.
Many people are poor listeners and don't know it, partly because they think conversation is mainly talking, partly because "even their best friends don't tell them." You could say that poor listening, like bad breath, is an "unconscious incompetence." You can't correct what you're not aware of.
Bad listening habits to be aware of
- Mentally rehearsing what you want to say while the other is talking.
- "Take-aways." Using another's talk to hitchhike with your thoughts.
- Being only slightly attentive so you get only bits and pieces of what is said.
- Not asking for clarification when you're confused.
- Daydreaming, "spacing out," shuttling off in your mind.
- Listening to judge or find fault instead of listening to understand.
- Being so uncomfortable with moments of silence that you fill the space with your own talk instead of digesting what was said.
Good listening habits that make you exceptional
1. "Full duplex listening." Paying attention not only to the words spoken, but also to the nuances of voice, facial expression, body language. Being able to "read between the lines" for hidden meanings.
2. Being responsive by giving off indicators that you are involved and interested. "Hmmm, I see." "OK." "Tell me more."
3. Checking your perceptions as you are listening: "Do you mean to say that . . .?" "I sense you disapprove of my suggestion. Is that right?"
4. Solo-tasking, giving your whole attention to the speaker. Not looking around the room or glancing at your text messages, for example.
5. Being aware of your tendencies to argue with what you're hearing will help you avoid "reading in" what isn't said. We not only "see through a glass, darkly," but we also listen through our filters, sometimes starkly.
6. Having as your goal to understand what the person is saying so that you'll have an approximate duplicate of what they intend to convey.
Quality listening requires much more than being silent. It requires your mental effort to understand in combination with your expressive capacities to respond. Just as a dance partner must pick up the cues of the leader, a listener has to pick up the cues of the speaker.
Like any other skill, quality listening requires conscious practice. As you know, masters of any field continue to practice. Singers have coaches. Craftsmen apprentice for years to acquire their skills. Athletes train and get feedback on their performance. Even the great Pablo
Casals, arguably the greatest cellist of his time, continued to practice hours each day into his 90s.
That's why quality listening is in short supply. People practice how they are talking but very slightly on how they are listening.
If you make your one goal to be an excellent listener, I predict you'll double your impact as a conversationalist. With mindful practice you can accomplish this goal in a month or two, and that should be very cheery news!
Note: For those readers who missed this short video on listening by expert Julian Treasure, I recommend you give it your attention now. For those who already have seen it, it's worth a second look.
5 Ways to Listen Better
In our louder and louder world, says sound expert Julian Treasure, we are losing our listening. In this short, fascinating talk, Treasure shares five ways to re-tune your ears for conscious listening -- to other people and the world around you.
To watch this short video, click link above.
Until next week,
Loren
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