As part of my mission to "raise the standard of conversation in life," I am hosting another free public event in Las Vegas on November 18. Many of you in N. America and the UK have seen "Dancing with the Stars" on television in which pairs of dancers compete and are evaluated on points by a 3-person panel. In "Talking," 6 pairs will engage in an 8-10 minute long conversation on a provocative topic. Their goal?   Connect with and entertain the audience with their lively talk.

If you have an interest in participating either as part of a couple or to attend, let me know and I will send you details. (Pairs can be of mixed or same gender.) loren@conversationmatters.com  

As the show develops, I'll announce details for all subscribers, and after it is presented, I'll share the format details. (You may want to host such an event in your own community.)

"Some of us hear a new idea and explore whether we can use it to improve our lives. Some of us hear a new idea and try to immediately debunk it. Which life do you want to lead?"  

--Alan Weiss

3. Jest Words

Common collective nouns: A herd of cattle, a school of fish. Less common, and probably because they look so wise, a parliament of owls.

Now consider a gathering of baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and perhaps least intelligent of all primates. 

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? 

Believe it or not ... a congress! Yes, a "congress of baboons."

4.  Word-a-Week:  stupefy (transitive verb) 

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of

a second-rate version of somebody else."

--Judy Garland, American singer, 1922-1969

6.  Resourceville:  1 Minute of Genius 

What Is Success? 

"To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;

To find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived;

This is to have succeeded."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

8.  Are You Flexible in Conversation? 

If "yes," good for you. Being flexible in conversation is immensely valuable when dealing with the variety of people we know and meet. The ability to adjust and adapt is also a stress-reducer. Fixed, rigid, dogmatic humans live lives of tension.

Some meanings of "flexible."

--Capable of being bent or flexed without injury or damage.

--Susceptible to influence or persuasion; tractable.

--Responsive to change; adaptable

Sad to say, these days flexibility is thought by many to be a sign of weakness and a lack of resolve. For example, politicians who change their minds are called "flip-floppers." Individuals who are bull-headed and stubborn despite changing circumstances are often regarded as resolute and courageous.

When the late Governor of Alabama, George Wallace uttered these words in 1965, he was met with exuberant applause by his supporters:

"Segregation now...segregation today...segregation forever!"

(To his credit, when his circumstances changed, he changed his mind.)

Being flexible means the ability to change your mind. It's both an attitude and behavior. It's less "Yes, but" and more "Yes, and?" As the economist John Maynard Keynes responded to a critic who accused him of changing positions,

"When someone persuades me that I am wrong, I change my mind. What do you do you do, sir?"

Many years ago in Hawaii, my late friend Stacey Mills amazed me with her high level of acceptance for people with extremely different beliefs and viewpoints from her own. As an alternative health practitioner, she had a wide variety of clients, and she accepted each as they were. When I asked her how she managed to be so accepting, she said she'd learned that being rigid did not serve human life and growth, so she overcame any tendencies to be a "true believer" and allowed others to believe what they wanted.

Being flexible in our relations with others requires humility. In fact, there is much to be humble about when we admit we know so little. As these sages said:

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's own ignorance."
          --Confucius

   "I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance."
          --Socrates

I observe that many people - ideologues, religious zealots, conspiracy theorists, and ignorant, stubborn folks -- don't rely on so much on their own experience or evidence for their beliefs, but instead rely on pundits, selected scriptures, and home-grown dogmas. They seek no different ideas, and they privatize themselves in order to avoid having their beliefs challenged. They are rigid.

However, to be flexible in conversation means you'll try to understand the other's views and how s/he came to their conclusions. Also, you understand and accept that others might disagree with you.

The psychologist Abraham Maslow set a high standard for listening to understand when he wrote: "My definition of real listening: to listen without presupposing, classifying, improving, controverting, evaluating, approving or disapproving, without dueling what is being said, without rehearsing the rebuttal in advance, without free-associating to portions of what is being said so that succeeding portions are not heard at all."

For any of us to become truly flexible, we must release the ego satisfactions of "being right" and be fascinated instead of frustrated by people with different viewpoints. We don't have to like or agree with their views, but we can accept the persons. Try this: "I have different views than you, but I want to understand yours. Please say more."

Finally, a Chinese proverb on flexibility and life:

"When the things and plants are alive, they are FLEXIBLE and soft; when they are dead, they become fragile and dried, because RIGIDITY and hardness are deathmates."

Until next week,

Loren 

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