A powerful and largely underrated conversation skill is that of acknowledging others when they communicate with us. Because it is usually a reaction to another's offering and not a spontaneously initiated comment, this conversation move may seem relatively trivial.
But it's not trivial. It's critically important.
What does acknowledgement mean?
Princeton University's online dictionary contains various meanings of "to acknowledge." This is the meaning I suggest for the conversation skill:
To express recognition of the presence or existence of, or acquaintance with.
In the broadest sense of this meaning, it includes to take notice of, to validate another's existence, behavior, and comments.
Examples:
"He never acknowledges his colleagues when they run into him in the hallway."
"She acknowledged his compliment with a smile."
Sometimes this is done with simple eye contact or a nod; or perhaps with an "uh-huh." Or "I see." Or it can be done with a careful verbal response such as a summary or paraphrase of what a listener heard. In the Native American "council" process, acknowledgement needs to be shown only by showing rapt attention when listening to the comments of others.
Over a half-century ago the great psychologist Carl Rogers taught his graduate students the technique that became known as "active listening," a method of reflecting back to the client the essence of what he or she had said.
The type of psychology Rogers proposed became known as "client-centered therapy," This was largely a matter of careful, empathic listening and validating people by accurately reflecting their comments. This technique is one kind of acknowledgement.
Behaviors are reciprocated
Fifty years ago, sociologist George C. Homans wrote a classic paper titled "Social Behavior as Exchange." In it he indicated that social approval is the basic reward that people can give to one another. For example: Bill helps Joe fix his car, and Joe rewards Bill with thanks and lots of praise. (Reciprocation does not have to be identical. Example: A talks, and B listens and nods in acknowledgement.)
Many marriage counselors and some mediators require that the contending parties repeat what they hear before responding with their own comments. Why? Because the parties in dispute typically are not listening carefully but are merely reacting to their interpretations of what was said.
More Examples of acknowledgement
Some everyday examples to make acknowledgement even clearer:
Billy (14) receives a nice birthday gift from his Aunt Sally, one carefully selected for his interests. Billy does not send a thank you note to Aunt Sally, who had spent much time and money to please Billy. Her feelings are hurt, and she wonders how her sister has raised Billy. The following year she sends him a plain birthday card.
Ten committee members are meeting for the first time, and the convener suggests they all introduce themselves by name, organization, and background. Going clockwise, they begin, with Bill telling everyone he is from First Security Bank. However, the other nine members pay little attention because they are thinking of what they're going to say. After 15 minutes, very few remember anyone's name or background.
Conversations May Be Written
Sometimes oral conversations are continued with postal or email correspondence, and I observe that many of these messages go unacknowledged.
For example, Susan and James are talking after his presentation, and she asks him to send her a report he cited. He agrees and, when returning to his office, digs out and copies the report, encloses it with a note, and mails it off to Susan.
However, he receives no response of any kind that she'd received his report, which was actually a continuation of their conversation.
(Perhaps that is why anthropologist Gregory Bateson once remarked to me that "You can send an angry response to a promised letter you never received.") The communication loop had not been completed.)
Confirming receipt of an asked-for response is even more important when you continue the conversation electronically. Did your message accidentally get deleted? Was it filtered? Or has it been simply overlooked? Who knows? In any case, because it was solicited and not spam, it deserves an acknowledgement. Until this occurs, the communication feels incomplete.
I experience this issue occasionally when I send useful information to someone I know personally and even include a request for confirmation. "Joe, here is a report about new developments in your field. Please let me know what you think." If I continue to get no response from a particular person, I stop taking time to send such messages.
Rewards for acknowledging others
When you include acknowledgement as a regular move in your conversation repertoire, your communication will benefit:
1. You'll have better relations with others and be known as a good listener.
2. You'll be more accurate because you've checked the meaning.
3. Others will be more likely to reciprocate.
4. If you're in business, you will retain your customers by providing good service.
If you say "Thank you for the wonderful book," you'll probably get a nice gift next birthday --instead of an ordinary card.
