As a young person, I was socialized to be a "people pleaser," with the injunction that "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". (This is sometimes known as the "Thumper Principle" from the Disney movie "Bambi," in which the bunny named Thumper is instructed by parents with this principle of behavior.) When growing up into young adulthood, I sought to avoid trouble, try not to make anyone dislike me or be mad at me, and not have my actions or words reflect badly on my family, especially because my father was a local elected official who had to run for office every two years. There are many reasons people are not authentic. That is, are honest, truthful, genuine, real, without falsehood or misrepresentation. Here are a few of those reasons:
1. To avoid conflict 2. To avoid hurting someone's feelings 3. To feel better by being a "nice person" 4. Not have to admit not knowing or being ignorant 5. To win the approval of others 6. To fit in with a family or group.
Becoming authentic is not easy. Usually it's a tough slog, even with support. As the poet e.e. Cummings wrote, "To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight." In his poem, "The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock," T.S. Eliot wrote the line "to put on a face to meet the faces that you meet." That is, your false face, your persona, the one you think others want you to present.
But being untrue to yourself is hard work and a great drain on your life energy. When you are not authentic are pretending, dissembling, actually lying, you squelch your energy. And inevitably, you are found out to be other than the real deal. It's not worth the constant effort to be someone you are not. I like the title of Mike Robbins' recent book, "Be Yourself: Everyone Else Is Taken." He presents five principles for becoming authentic. Here they are in simple language: 1. Know yourself. This includes knowing your real thoughts, feelings, and motivations.
2. Transform your fear. We all have fears. It's best to know them and not have them run our lives.
3. Express yourself. Speaking our truth includes some negative stuff like resentments and weaknesses but also lots of positives like hopes and dreams and accomplishments. Learning how to express yourself authentically takes practice and usually requires some guidance, or at least honest feedback.
4. Be bold! Being authentic requires courage. We are inspired by authentic men and women, as we were recently reminded by the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, one who spoke his truth despite enormous risks. (Most of us would have to face only some social risks, not lethal ones.)
5. Celebrate who you are. This includes appreciating ourselves and our uniqueness and forgiving ourselves for our inevitable mistakes and failures.
Until I was in my early 30s, I managed to wear the mask of an actor, or blooming intellectual and future professor. However, when maintaining that persona became too painful and too draining, I joined a number of "encounter groups" to learn how I came across to others and how to deal with my fears of being seen as I was, then how to express myself openly without equivocating. (the group's verdict at first: "hesitant, dishonest with feelings.") Little by little, meeting by meeting, I was able to be more present and more honest. As well, I kept a journal in order to learn more about myself, and I began a regular meditation practice to explore my inner life and become more tranquil. All of these approaches helped.
One source of one's lack of genuineness, as David Weinberger expresses so clearly, is that
"We have been trained throughout our business careers to suppress our individual voice and to sound like a 'professional', that is, to sound like everyone else. This professional voice is distinctive.Andweird. Taken out of context, it is as mannered as the ritualistic dialogue of the 17th-century French court."
So, if becoming more authentic appeals to you, here are some suggestions toward that goal:
1. Spend more time with authentic people you may know. These are good models, and some of their ways of being can rub off on you. (Also, spend less time with inauthentic people.)
2. Read some good books on this topic. Two of the best I know: "Be Yourself," by Mike Robbins, and "Nonviolent Communication," by Marshall Rosenberg.
3. Take a class or join a group that encourages authentic communication. For example, many such programs are offered by the Nonviolent Communication organization. (Get details from this website, http://www.cnvc.org/ | 
