We are bound by our habits, and they are almost always out of our awareness. Unless someone draws our attention to a habit, we don't notice it. Your mother may have told you sternly, "Don't talk with your mouth full". Made aware, you
eventually swallowed your food before speaking up.
However, most of your friends and co-workers don't tell you about your troublesome conversation habits. Why not? They don't want to hurt your feelings and get you mad at them. If you have a particularly egregious habit, like taking over
a conversation, you may be embarrassed to be told of it. (Also, they don't want you telling them about their own bad habits with a "You, too!" response.)
Even highly-trained psychiatrists were surprised to discover some problematic communication habits they exhibited when they viewed videos of their behavior during a consulting session. Like fidgeting or looking impatient or frustrated. "Wow, I had no idea I was doing that," some said.
The classic graphic known as the "Johari Window" is a useful tool for interpersonal communication. We are aware if certain things about ourselves and unaware of others. The upper right quadrant below is called the "blind spot" area we aren't aware of. Sometimes it's called the "bad breath" area that even our best friends may not tell us about because it's embarrassing. So that might be the province of a doctor or dentist.
Top athletes have coaches to tell them what they can change. Professional musicians take master classes.
Devotees of personal development participate in group therapy to learn how their behavior affects others. All of these folks invite feedback to learn about their blind spots. Only then
can they make changes.
Most of you are very good at seeing other people's blind spots, things that they do or ways that they behave about which they are not aware. You could be write a long list of your friends' blind spots. But would you ever say it to them? No, because it's one of the most difficult things to do, to bring someone to see that they're doing something that they're not aware of. People are terrified of this. Like ripping a bandage off a tender wound.
But what we rarely think about is the possibility that we have just as many blind spots as other people do.
How to Become More Aware:
1. Record yourself talking to another person. Video is best, audio can be helpful. Then view or listen to your conversation behavior. Surprised? Probably. Make notes of what you observe that reduces your effectiveness. (Like "talking very fast.")
2. Buddy up with a good friend who also wants to get feedback. Ask that friend 3 questions:
1. When I'm talking, what do I do that helps the conversation?
2. When I'm talking, what do I do that gets in the way?
3. What changes, if any, would you recommend?
Then you answer the same questions for your friend.
3. You can also get good start on your awareness by using the self-tests link on my website, www.conversationmatters.com. You can assess your competencies first, then later get comments from your buddy.
In the near future I'll be writing articles about the options for learning a higher level of conversation competence in everyday life with "self-coaching."
Stay tuned.
