During the holidays, we sometimes receive gifts that don't
quite suit us. Shoes or shirts don't fit, music or books or clothes may not be to our liking. We may conclude that the gift-givers, while well-intentioned, did not ask themselves "If I were Susie or Bill, which gift would please me?"
In gift-giving, the ability to put yourself in the receiver's
shoes to find just the right thing is the sign of real thoughtfulness. Similarly, in conversation, the ability to be flexible and adapt is the hallmark of mastery.
A principle of interpersonal communication is that "Meaning is perception." That is, what a receiver perceives from the sender determines the meaning of the message. To get your intended meaning across accurately, you must take into account how the receiver thinks and their level of skill.
Language choice
Skillful professionals are able to adapt their language when communicating with a variety of clients. An expert physician will find ways to explain complex medical issues without using terms the patient can't understand. Instead, the doctor will use examples and analogies and even draw a picture to make the explanation clear.
Also, when adults talk to children, they may have to adjust
and select simpler words already known by the child.
I have observed that some professionals are inflexible and
seem to want to demonstrate how highly trained they are by using arcane terms unknown to their clients. The results are too often misunderstanding or not understanding at all.
Intercultural conversations
Here in Las Vegas, many residents are native speakers of Spanish. Often they have only basic skills in English. To create accurate understanding, it helps to slow down your rate of speech, use basic vocabulary, and speak clearly. Your failure to make such adjustments results in their failure to understand.
A funny example: Many years ago I was doing research in
Bogota, Colombia and was visited by a senior professor
from my university, apparently to provide needed guidance.
I spoke passable Spanish, but he spoke no Spanish. When
he couldn't get a local to understand his English, he just
spoke louder and louder. Of course, doing that didn't work. What he really needed was a translator (me).
Talking to listening ratio:
There are times to talk and times to remain silent.
Some folks don't "get" this principle. For example,
certain professionals like teachers and preachers
are accustomed to talking. They are good at it.
and they may be uncomfortable with silence. So
their tendency may be to fill the auditory space with
their own words at times when being silent and
listening (or simply being present and paying attention
if the other isn't talking) is the wiser choice.
To be flexible, you must be able to manage the
whole spectrum of talking and listening and be
comfortable with the whole range. Otherwise
you will stay within the small comfort zone of
your habits.
Rate and Volume of Speech
Similarly, there are times that to talk slowly
and times to talk rapidly, and times to
speak quietly or to speak loudly.
To make the appropriate adjustments to your listener
requires that you have both the skill to be flexible and
the skill to assess the situation and the person you're
talking to, which is the skill of empathy - putting
yourself in the other's shoes. Both require mindful
practice. They do not come naturally.
Even if we are talented in with empathy, we almost
never can know exactly how another feels. At best,
we can get close. As Dr. Mardy Grothe wrote,
"People who say 'I understand exactly how you feel'
never understand exactly how you feel."
A diverse and multi-cultural society demands flexibility.
Not only do we have differences in communication
with age and gender; we also have many differences
in ethnicity, nationality, and level of education.
So it's best to make adjustments. After all,
neither one size, nor one style, fits all.
