While living comfortably outside of a small town where I knew almost no one, I learned how precious are old friends, people who knew me well, supported me, and showed interest in my life. Absent such friends, a pleasant home, good food on my table, lovely surroundings with deer and wild turkeys in my yard, and adequate creature comforts were not enough. I also needed loving friends for nourishment.
I saw clearly that I could not live by bread alone. Being "out of community" doesn't suit me.
I am not a Henry David Thoreau that does well in a small cabin away from people.
What I found was that most of my communication was of the "instrumental" kind. That is, the exchange of factual information that enabled me to fulfill common functions like shopping in the supermarket or mailing a package. What was lacking for me, a newcomer and an outsider, was "affective communication," a way of sharing emotions with others. People I met were usually polite and civil, but our exchanges were rather perfunctory and matter of fact. I got things done, but I didn't feel much connection.
With people we know well, it's appropriate to express ourselves more personally and affectively. We can show deep affection and loving support with those we know. But at the library and the store check-out counter, expressing strong feelings is often inappropriate.
Still, we can show gratitude and appreciation for those who are helpful, folks who often go unappreciated, the service people in our lives. Doing so uplifts both them and ourselves and follows the Golden Rule of doing unto others as we would like to be done unto.
Opportunities abound and come with virtually every encounter. Here, from an anonymous writing entitled "Right Now, Somebody," are examples:
Somebody misses you.
Somebody wants to talk to you.
Somebody wants to be with you.
Somebody is thankful for your support.
Somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
Somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.
Somebody wants to be forgiven.
Somebody is grateful for your forgiveness.
Somebody wants to laugh with you.
Somebody remembers you & wishes you were there.
Somebody treasures your spirit..
Somebody loves the way you make them feel.
Somebody's glad that you're his/her friend..
Somebody is wishing that you noticed him/her.
Somebody wants to get to know you better.
Somebody misses your advice/guidance.
Somebody needs your support.
Somebody needs you to have faith in them.
Here are four others to consider:
1. Acknowledge the people whose service you too often
take for granted. Say thanks to your letter carrier and
trash collector.
2. Be fully present when someone else is talking:
Concentrate and really listen.
3. Offer an encouraging word to someone who is tired,
distraught, or discouraged.
4. Contact a person who has contributed something
important to your life.
Perhaps the most difficult time for speaking in a
considerate and loving way is doing so when others
are judgmental or rude. It is often easier to simply
reciprocate and be harsh in return.Being considerate
requires doing something not because another rewards
us, but because it's right.
A great resource for dealing with difficult people is this book
by Dr. Kent Keith of Hawaii, written when he was an undergraduate student at Harvard many years ago and
later expanded into a longer book entitled Anyway: The Paradoxical Commandments: Finding Personal Meaning in a Crazy World.
Here are four relevant paradoxical commandments:
1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
3. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
4. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
When we "light another's candle" with our words and manner, we do not diminish ourselves. We do not have less because we act with kindness and generosity.
To me, knowing that is very cheery news!
