During those years you are learning through an apprenticeship of observation with your ears and eyes and your practice through mimicry of the speakers around you. (Virtually no one fails to learn to speak their native language and develop a basic vocabulary and manner of speaking unless they are mentally or physically impaired.)

However, although you learn to speak a language and interact, you may not learn to converse effectively. For example, if you do your learning apprenticeship in a hostile or competitive environment, most likely you will think of conversation as a competition and then behave accordingly.

Therefore, let's consider these following 4 insights about conversation:

1.  Competent Conversation is collaborative

2.  You must interact with skilled conversers

A second insight for becoming conversationally competent is this: To become better, you must spend time with competent conversers. Just as to become more skilled at tennis or golf you need to play with good or better players, the same is true of conversational play and practice.

However, if you don't work or live with excellent conversers, where do you find them?

Where can you find skilled conversers?

Increasing numbers of "conversation cafes" are springing up around North America. These are groups for enjoying the practice of conversation around interesting topics. There are no dues or tuition costs.  To learn if there is a cafe in your area, check www.ConversationCafe.org.  Generally, these drop-in groups meet weekly for about 90 minutes of friendly and satisfying conversation.

Also, check for related groups called "Socrates Café"  or a book club for deeper discussion. Check also for public workshops on interpersonal communication offered by community colleges and various training companies.

3.  Conversation is a special kind of knowledge

The third insight is that conversation skills are a "process knowledge", not just a "thinking knowledge."  Like riding a bike or hand-writing a note, the knowledge is in the behavior.

Conversing has a certain "feel" to it. It's not knowing ABOUT something, like geography or history. It's about knowing HOW (to do something). That is why many books written about conversation are only marginally helpful to the learner.

Example:   Many Japanese students are taught English as "book-learning" through many years of school.  Most are unable to converse in English at a competent level. Why?  Because they lack oral practice with competent speakers.

4.  Self-confidence results from learning strong skills

The fourth insight is that your emotional confidence usually follows being skillful. (But it only rarely precedes it.)

This is true of almost any activity: juggling three balls, writing a sales letter, roasting the holiday turkey. You have to DO the behavior first before true confidence arrives. (The psychological term for this process is "self-efficacy" --

A feeling of awkwardness and self-consciousness often accompanies your attempts to learn any new process knowledge, and this is especially true when we are being observed by others.

Real confidence is usually the result of your repeated practice of a skill and pressing through any awkwardness to the point of comfort.  (Many people interpret their awkward feelings to mean they should avoid an activity because it's uncomfortable and might even be risky or dangerous. This is a common mistake and has the effect of preventing people from gaining social skills.)

Like the tennis player who competes only against weaker players, these conversers never advance in their level of skill because they stay within their comfort zone.  Some discomfort comes is normal while learning new or different social skills. If you don't accept that reality, you'll stay cloistered within your zone of comfort and will not stretch into new behaviors.

In summary, good conversation is a collaborative dance, not a competition. For best learning, we must talk with accomplished conversers. Then we must practice and not merely think about conversation.  And finally, we must push through any awkward feelings during the learning.