Having a quality family dinner conversation can yield great results.

Hundreds of articles on this subject have been written and published by family development experts.  In this article I hope to highlight the features that I think make can make family dinner conversations most successful.

I recognize that one size does not fit all.  Therefore, different families should consider variations of this dinner time activity:  How frequent, how long, and which format?

For example:

1. Have only a brief weekly dinner conversation, maybe 20-30 minutes
2. Or, have regular, even daily dinner conversations during a relaxed time of dinner like dessert.)
3. Use a process from a book or "kit" you can purchase.  To check resources, search amazon.com for "dinner conversation" under books or games.)
4. Have family members create or select their own conversation starters to put into a box or bag.  (See resources below.)
5. As appropriate, have either two sets of starter items for "kids" and "grown-ups" or just one set that any family member could respond to.
6. Alternate the hosts for the process or, if it works better,
7. Keep the same host for a week or a month.
8. Create a fun, game-like atmosphere with surprise questions.
9. You can also create special dinner conversations to discuss more serious matters, like religious principles or ethics.

Of course, it's best to have "buy-in" from all family members.  If this is a new family activity, teens who prefer to play video games in their room with a plate of food  might be resistant, at least at first.  However, if kids can help plan and schedule the dinner conversations, they'll usually be more cooperative.

If the family regularly attends a church service, the kids don't have veto power. Same with attending family celebrations like Aunt Joan's birthday, or the annual Fourth of July picnic.  And the same with having dinner together - at least on certain evenings.  No one has veto power for special family dinner times.

Resources you can use:

1.  Story Corps at www.storycorps.org has a great "Question Generator" link.  You can print out a list of conversation questions and select from the list.

2.  201 Questions to Ask Your Parents, by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. is a useful book.  Most public libraries would have books with questions you could use or adapt like

--How did you and Mom/Dad meet?

--Why did your parents give you your name?

--Who was your best friend in high school?

--If you could meet one person from history, who would it be?

201 Questions to Ask Your Children (same book as above)

--Have you ever imitated something you saw in a movie?

What was it?

--What would the ideal teacher be like?

--What would be the ideal allowance?  Tell me how you would use it.

--Teach us one thing you learned today that you think we don't know.

3.  "Family Dinner Box of Questions" and "TableTopics" are products you can buy.  They are among many such products available in stores or online.

The benefits of using a simple process like a conversation kit or game include:

1. It can be fun to ponder and answer the questions.
2. More spontaneity emerges with unexpected questions.
3. Games avoid routine questions like "What did you learn in school today?"
4. Simple rules (like how to take turns) keep the process on track.

Overall, kids and other family members learn new information from one another, observe civility when interacting, build their vocabularies, and strengthen their conversation skills. 

The dinnertime conversations can be used even when the kids are grown!  You can engage in similar processes at any age.  Here, too, you can create your own provocative conversation starters, or you can use a prepared kit process.

A wonderful example of how dinner conversations can contribute strength and depth to a family is the account of Ralph Nader in his book, The Seventeen Traditions (2007).  In the chapter titled "The Tradition of Listening," he recounts how his mother taught everyone to "Listen more than you speak, and think before you speak."  In the chapter "The Tradition of Education and Argument," he relates his father's question as he returned from elementary school:  "What did you learn

today, Ralph?  Did you learn how to believe, or did you learn how to think?"  Thinking clearly and knowing how to support arguments with evidence were requirements at the Nader family table.  Here, within this immigrant family from Lebanon, wisdom traditions were carried forth and demonstrated by example.

Even if your family no longer is raising school-age children, you can create meaningful conversation processes (or borrow from those that exist.)  I have often recommended the ground rules of the Conversation Café movement because they help keep lively conversations on track and within the bounds of civility.  (To check these resources, visit www.conversationcafe.org.)

Finally, in late November you'll be able to celebrate "Better Conversation Week" for the time when family groups gather for Thanksgiving.  This provides an excellent time for elders to share life stories and have them recorded for posterity.  (A "Better Family Conversation Kit" is available in the Conversation

Products section of our website, www.conversationmatters.com.)