Many people love to give advice and tell others what they should and should not do.
You get to feel helpful this way. And smart. And superior.
"But have you considered X or Y?"
"Why don't you just tell him off?"
"You need some chiropractic treatments"
"Come to my church, you'll feel a lot better."
"I wouldn't go to Costa Rica if I were you."
And on and on.
I recognize that there are different categories of advice-givers: Professionals like medical doctors, lawyers, financial planners, coaches, and teachers. They are paid to give advice. And there are those in the role of advice-giver, like parents of young and teenage children. These people are expected to be advice-givers.
But there are also non-professionals who give unsolicited advice to friends, family, and associates. In this article I am writing about this group. Here are my best considered guidelines about giving advice:
1. Give very, very little advice and only if you are specifically asked. That way you won't make a nuisance of yourself, especially if your advice it to help "improve" the receiver of your counsel. We all have plenty of work to do on ourselves to achieve mastery in living and we should focus on that.
2. If a person asks you for advice, help them develop their own options and compare the value of each option. Then they will "own" the advice, which is from themselves.
3. Never, ever give advice in which you are not qualified by training or experience.
4. Be supportive and empathetic is someone is in a quandary. Emotional support can be very helpful and does not require you to give another specific advice.
5. If someone gives you unsolicited advice, let them know you'll think about it. (No need to resist or argue, even if their advice is really off the mark.)
6. If someone asks you for specific advice, you can sometimes recommend resources like a certain book. For example, in my 25 years as a professional counselor, I occasionally recommended a book titled "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" (Mira Kirschenbaum, 1997) to individuals in troubled marriages. I even gave clients copies of that book because reading it proved so helpful to so many.
That's about it. If, upon reflection, you become aware that you are frequent advice giver, you might wish to consider an "advice-giving fast" for a while. If you do that, I predict that your relationships will improve and become more genial.
One more thing: For readers who are professionals and earn their living by giving advice, I have found one pretty good resource, this book: "The Art of Advice: How to Give It and How to Take It: The Seven Principles for Communicating Ideas Effectively " by Jeswald W. Salacuse (1994). I am not aware of many resources to help professionals give advice, and this is one of few.
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