I mean, "Why people don't change," and this probably includes you.
Specifically, I mean "People don't change their conversation
habits." The husband who always wants to "fix" any problem
his wife brings up; the person who almost always does a "take-away" when you describe a book you're reading or trip you took; certain persons feeling obligated to respond with "Yes, but . . ." to any point you make.
Etcetera.
Why don't people change such dysfunctional habits? Here are
some reasons why:
Many of these habits are emotional, and they've been programmed--formed - early in life. Ever tried to change a habit like biting your nails, or eating sweets? It's very difficult because it's emotionally based, and the emotional "reasons" are out of awareness. More directly, a communication habit may resist change. Example: Those who cannot express negative emotions may engage in passive-aggressive behaviors that provide a means of redirecting their feelings.
- People are not aware that their habit causes trouble in communication. It is often true that "even your best friends won't tell you" (of some problem behavior) because they are afraid they'll offend you. However, even if they are aware, the payoff for staying the same is higher than the benefits of changing. (An example I've often heard is "This is the way I am. Take it or leave it!") This is just one of many rationalizations that people (and maybe you) could offer.
- Changing well-ingrained patterns takes both awareness and effort and often support from others. Changing a little bit in your golf swing may take hours (or days) of practice. Plus, such a change requires feedback from a coach.
How much feedback does a change require in how you use your voice? For example, to speak up more loudly? If you grew up in a quite family and were often told to "pipe down," speaking up will feel very uncomfortable for
you - even if doing so improves your communication at meetings. Therefore you may resist helpful coaching feedback from a supervisor.
Other reasons you (and most others) don't change include:
- You've already tried a few times but haven't succeeded, so you've given up.
- You haven't yet felt enough pain. Example: You have a habit of over-talking and dominating. Now this habit threatens your marriage or your job. You're given an ultimatum to change or else! Now you feel enough pain.
- You don't know how to practically make the change. For this you'd need some expert consultation, perhaps a counselor or a coach to help you make the change.
- Once formed, personalities don't change. For example, some peopl tend to be more upbeat and happier than others who have a more serious and even gloomy outlook. Each type has a certain "set-point" or range for their emotions, and these feelings determine their behaviors. The happy people tend to show more appreciation to others and to be less critical. The serious downbeat people express more skepticism and offer more criticisms.
(Troublesome behaviors are hard - but not impossible - to change.)
Choosing to make behavior changes to improve your communication is not related to your intellectual IQ. Instead, it's related to your EQ (Emotional Intelligence) and your SQ (Social Intelligence.) When you value your relationships and your ability to get along with others and optimize your communication, you understand that the payoffs for changing are considerable and long-lasting. Change may mean
to reduce or eliminate a negative pattern of talk (such as interrupting others) or to add a helpful pattern such as asking follow-up questions.
If you want to begin such a change process, you can solicit comments from a few trusted friends by asking a few questions such as "How am I doing at listening when we talk?" and "What do I do during our conversations that gets in the way?" You'll be able to increase your awareness this way, and without awareness, change is impossible.
For those who want to inquire more deeply into this "change" topic, I recommend these books:
What You Can Change and What You Can't: The Complete Guide to Successful Self-Improvement, by Martin Seligman (Jan 2007.)
Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary Edition: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, by Daniel Goleman. (Sept. 2006)
Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, by Daniel Goleman (July 2007
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