Better Conversations Newsletter
"Raising the Standard of Conversation in Life"
Loren Ekroth, Ph.D.
 DrConversation
 
aka "Dr.Conversation" 
Why You Don't Change
Loren Ekroth photo
Today's Contents
Thanks for Spreading the Word
Conversation Quotation
Word-a-Week
Jest Words
Barbed Ire
Resourceville
Why You Don't Change
Quick Links
Join Our List
Join Our Mailing List
This Week's Issue:
July 8, 2010

Hello again, subscriber friend!

 
Despite the unusual hot spell here in New York, I'm
getting out this week's issue.  I hope you find value in it.
 
Chelsea Clinton's wedding takes place in my new town
on July 31.  It's a big deal at the Astor mansion.
 
 

Loren Ekroth, publisher

[email protected]

Today's Contents
(Words this issue:  1005; Reading time:  3.5 minutes)
 
  1. Dozens of new subscribers, thanks.
  2. Conversation Quotation 
  3. Word-a-Week
  4. Jest Words
  5. Barbed Ire
  6. Resourceville for foodies
  7. Article:  Why You Don't Change
1. Thanks for adding new subscribers!
 

Many thanks!  Last week I received notice of nearly 3 dozen new subscribers - thanks to your efforts.

 

Another great way to spread the word about this ezine is to include excerpts of any newsletter in your own messages or publications (with website URL, www.conversationmatters.com)

 

 

When you invite new subscribers, you are paying

non-monetary dues for your subscription!

2.  Conversation Quotation

"A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself"  

--Lisa Kirk

3.  Word-a-Week:  puerile (adj))

 PYUR-ul 

 

1 : juvenile
2 : childish, silly

 

Example Sentence

 

Yardley found the joking around of his co-workers to be more puerile than funny.  But "boys will be boys," he thought.

 

 

4.  Jest Words

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." 
    

 - Fran Lebowitz
5. Barbed Ire (example)
 

"To paraphrase Raymond Chandler, if character were elastic, John Edwards wouldn't have enough to make suspenders for a parakeet."  -Maureen Dowd's column, "Kicking the Hornet's Nest,"  NY Times, July 7, 2010

6.  Resourceville (for foodies)

www.yummly.com

 

"A Recipe Search Engine to

Spice Up Your Cooking!"

 

As this website says, "Yummly indexes more

than 500,000 recipes!  Amazing! 

 

You can search according to your preferences such as

"French" or "vegetarian."   I like fish and quickly found a

recipe for "pan-seared tuna with ginger-shiitake

cream sauce."  Yummmmm.

 

So, what are you in the mood for?

 
7.  Article:  Why You Don't Change
(Note:  If you understand and apply ideas in today's article, your payoff could be worth at least $250,000 in added income
through professional development, job promotions, or
greater sales commissions.  Not to mention the costs saved by avoiding an unwanted divorce.) 
 
Why You Don't Change
 
I mean, "Why people don't change," and this probably includes you.
 
Specifically, I mean "People don't change their conversation
habits."  The husband who always wants to "fix" any problem
his wife brings up; the person who almost always does a "take-away" when you describe a book you're reading or trip you took; certain persons feeling obligated to respond with "Yes, but . . ." to any point you make.
 
Etcetera.
 
Why don't people change such dysfunctional habits?  Here are
some reasons why:
 
Many of these habits are emotional, and they've been programmed--formed - early in life.  Ever tried to change a habit like biting your nails, or eating sweets?  It's very difficult because it's emotionally based, and the emotional "reasons" are out of awareness.  More directly, a communication habit may resist change.  Example: Those who cannot express negative emotions may engage in passive-aggressive behaviors that provide a means of redirecting their feelings.
 
 
  1. People are not aware that their habit causes trouble in communication.  It is often true that "even your best friends won't tell you" (of some problem behavior) because they are afraid they'll offend you. However, even if they are aware, the payoff for staying the same is higher than the benefits of changing.  (An example I've often heard is "This is the way I am.  Take it or leave it!")  This is just one of many rationalizations that people (and maybe you) could offer.
 
  1. Changing well-ingrained patterns takes both awareness and effort and often support from others.  Changing a little bit in your golf swing may take hours (or days) of practice.  Plus, such a change requires feedback from a coach.
 
   How much feedback does a change require in how you  use your voice?  For example, to speak up more loudly?  If you grew up in a quite family and were often told to "pipe down," speaking up will feel very uncomfortable for
you - even if doing so improves your communication at meetings.  Therefore you may resist helpful coaching feedback from a supervisor.
 
Other reasons you (and most others) don't change include:
 
  1. You've already tried a few times but haven't succeeded, so you've given up.
 
  1. You haven't yet felt enough pain.  Example:  You have a habit of over-talking and dominating.  Now this habit threatens your marriage or your job.  You're given an ultimatum to change or else!  Now you feel enough pain.
 
  1. You don't know how to practically make the change.  For this you'd need some expert consultation, perhaps a counselor or a coach to help you make the change. 
 
  1. Once formed, personalities don't change.  For example, some peopl tend to be more upbeat and happier than others who have a more serious and even gloomy outlook.  Each type has a certain "set-point" or range for their emotions, and these feelings determine their behaviors.  The happy people tend to show more appreciation to others and to be less critical.  The serious downbeat people express more skepticism and offer more criticisms.
 
(Troublesome behaviors are hard - but not impossible - to change.)
 
     Choosing to make behavior changes to improve your  communication is not related to your intellectual IQ.  Instead, it's related to your EQ (Emotional Intelligence) and your SQ (Social Intelligence.)  When you value your relationships and your ability to get along with others and optimize your communication, you understand that the payoffs for changing are considerable and long-lasting.  Change may mean
to reduce or eliminate a negative pattern of talk (such as interrupting others) or to add a helpful pattern such as asking follow-up questions.
 
If you want to begin such a change process, you can solicit comments from a few trusted friends by asking a few questions such as  "How am I doing at listening when we talk?" and "What do I do during our conversations that gets in the way?"  You'll be able to increase your awareness this way, and without awareness, change is impossible.
 
For those who want to inquire more deeply into this "change" topic, I recommend these books:
 
What You Can Change and What You Can't:  The Complete Guide to Successful Self-Improvement, by Martin Seligman (Jan 2007.)
 
Emotional Intelligence:  10th Anniversary Edition:  Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, by Daniel Goleman.  (Sept. 2006)
 
Social Intelligence:  The New Science of Human Relationships, by Daniel Goleman (July 2007
 
(You can order these books through my bookstore at www.conversationmatters.com.  Doing so helps defray my
costs in publishing this complimentary newsletter.)
 
 
 
 
 
 

Loren Ekroth �2010, all rights reserved

 

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. 

 

Contact at [email protected]