Conversation for the Fun of It

This week's guest article is by my friend and colleague John Kinde, a true master of humor and publisher of Humor Power Tips. I asked him to write on the theme of how to express a sense of humor in conversation -- even if you think you're not funny. Read on.

Using Humor in Conversations

When people are looking to make friends, the qualities they are searching for are not identical from one person to the next. But one thing that normally tops the list when looking for a friend is a good sense of humor. You'll look for a long time to find someone searching for a friend with a poor sense of humor or none at all. A great sense of humor is an almost universally sought-after trait for both men and women...within American culture.

There is no automatic or magical formula for impressing someone with your sense of humor. Most things in life don't come automatically or easily. If you wanted impress someone with your physical fitness, you'd never expect to find a tip to tone up your body overnight. So it is with a sense of humor. What you got is what you got. Your ability to use humor in conversations is not going to change overnight. But you can work to improve it.

As in toning up the body, a good sense of humor is developed with exercise. I've often recommended that people stimulate their humor muscles by entering humor-writing contests and cartoon-caption contests. Many react with, "Hey...I don't want to be a humor writer!" But, if you were serious about flat abs, you'd probably not think twice about spending time at the gym, working out with weights...never thinking, "Hey...I don't want to be a body builder!" You'd understand that working out is the path to a slimmer waistline. And so it is with a sense of humor. Just as your belt size is reduced a quarter inch at a time, your sense of humor slowly, but surely, becomes more sharply tuned. And the journey is more fun than pumping iron.

For starters, you're more likely to meet fun people if you have the reputation as someone with a great sense of humor. You'll find yourself mixing with fun people and being introduced to fun people. Most people don't have an interest in introducing sour-puss friends to other people.

I come from a laid-back North Dakota Norwegian background. My brother and I can't remember our dad telling a joke as we grew up. But he DID have a good sense of humor. He is what I would call a carrier of humor. He was always ready to laugh at someone else's jokes. Not the life-of-the-party, but easy going and fun. Everybody liked my dad. So when it came to creating my own humor, I wasn't born with the talent.

I had to start at square one. Step by step I learned the building blocks of what makes humor tick. It is a skill that can be learned. Where you come from is a given. Where you end up is the result of the journey you create by doing certain things. Learn to sprinkle observational and spontaneous humor into your conversations.

The reality is that most of us have a sense of humor which is pretty good, in the right circumstances, with the right people. And yet, most of us have room for growth in the area of humor. A sense of humor grows as you use it.

Know your conversation partner. When using humor with someone, ask yourself the question: Who are they? What do your friends or co-workers tell you about them? What is your first impression of them? It's nice to figure out whether the two of you are a good humor match. Invest the time getting to know someone if you're serious about developing a quality friendship and using the right kind of humor.

Know yourself. You might ask yourself the question: Where Are You? Is this a one-on-one conversation or are you in a group? That may affect your style of humor. For example, I'm much better one-on-one when it comes to humor. In a group situation I tend to be more of a listener. If I want someone to see my sense of humor, I look for some time away from a group, allowing more personal interaction. Some people are just the opposite and are more lively and funny in a group. That's where knowing yourself comes into play.

Be aware of the environment. Your physical location has an impact on the humor you can use in conversation. Some restaurants have fun interactive wait staff. Parties are often a good location for conversational humor. Amusement parks and fun movies stimulate humorous chat.

Be a Listener. Good conversationalists are good listeners. Good humorists are good listeners. If you're going to create any fresh humor in the moment, it comes from good listening and being in the moment. One of the special skills of funny people is the art of reincorporation, making connections with something that happened earlier.

Poke Fun At Yourself. People love it if you don't take yourself too seriously. Direct some of your humor at yourself. If you were uncomfortable that had to pick someone up in a car that wasn't the perfect vehicle, get a bumper sticker: "My other car is a real car."

Don't try too hard to be funny. You don't want to appear needy. For good humor, less is more. Relax. Let the humor flow naturally. A little bit of good humor goes further than a lot of forced humor.

Be a story teller. Look for embarrassing moments to share. Those awkward memories, along with other stories, are great vehicles to carry your style of humor.

Keep your humor positive. Negative humor, sarcastic humor, is generally a turnoff.

Keep it clean. Off-color humor is a comedy cop out. Bodily function jokes and sex jokes are too easy. Leave that style of humor to the immature. If you're looking to attract quality friendships, use quality humor.

Learn by doing. Start using a bit of humor in your conversations. Look for and appreciate the humor of others. Go to the humor gym and get in shape. Have fun!

Loren's note: John Kinde publishes a terrific complimentary newsletter, "Humor Power Tips." Subscribe at www.humorpower.com. Wanting to make the world both a funnier and a better place, John offers vast resources about humor and how to use it on his site.