Here's the problem: Conversations often get broken or stuck because of two common responses:
- The
"Yes, but . . ." response and
- The
take-away, ("Me, too" response)
What often happens is that when a topic is introduced, it doesn't get explored. For example, Fred says
"I'm thinking about relocating to the East Coast."
Jim says, "Really?
But you've already got such a good situation here." ("Yes, but")
Or, perhaps, "Relocating?
Yeah, you know, I've been
thinking about relocating myself, and . . ." ("Me, too")
The more helpful and very simple alternative would
be to use a follow-up question or encourager such as
Really?
Where to?
When?
Why?
Tell me more
Wow! Sounds
interesting.
What do you know about that area?
Yes, and . . .?
From time to time, I include a feature I call
"Provoquotations" in this newsletter. These are "provocative quotations," often from
famous people, and I include them to stimulate thinking and thus enrich a
conversation.
However, I have learned that these "wisdom
sayings" do not enrich a conversation unless its participants have and use
the simple skill of follow-up questions. To follow up is to collaborate, an essential
factor in quality conversation.
For example, here's a provoquotation by Swiss psychiatrist
Carl Gustav Jung:
"A shoe that fits one person
pinches another;
there is no recipe for living that suits all cases."
If I say to you, "Yes, that seems true
for me, and I saw lots of evidence of that when in
the U.S. Army," you can either short-circuit our
conversation by using a "Me, too" type response, or you could
ask me for details with questions like:
What kind of evidence?" or "What are
some examples?" Or simply, "Tell me more." Doing this increases your clarity of understanding and also keeps the
conversation flowing along smoothly.
After I shared more details, you'd have
your turn, and my role would then be to support you in sharing
your thinking. By describing our experiences, together we
would deepen our understanding of what otherwise remains
as just another abstract and lofty statement.
Sometimes we need only some nonverbal
and small vocal signals to keep the
conversation flowing along. Like the "green lights" of head nods and vocalizations like "uh-huh," etc. In effect, these mean "keep going." This does not require any fancy verbal footwork. But it does take some practice so that you'll have it in your repertoire.
Take action: Apply this simple and powerful follow-up skill in your conversations this week
and watch the results. Others will feel validated, and you will
like the outcome.
