When I was in elementary school, we had a school
newsletter that had a monthly feature where phone
numbers of a few students would be printed with an
adjective that described the student. I remember when
my phone number was printed and the word next to it
was "Happy!"
I lived in Amarillo in the 6th grade. We lived in a house
on the edge of town where I could watch the
tumbleweeds dance across the open fields in the
summer and gleefully plunge into the snowdrifts in
winter. I loved watching the spectacular displays of
lightning play across my dresser mirror as I lay in bed
at night. I even have fond memories of dodging the
baseball-sized hailstones that came careening
through our windows as a series of tornadoes hop
scotched across the panhandle. It was all an
adventure to me.
Happy! Yes, that was me - a happy, exuberant little girl.
Somewhere along the line, that happiness gave way
to heaviness and it would be decades before I found
my spark again and truly found my way back to being a
lover of life.
What happened? It seems around the age of 12 or 13,
I started caring about what other people think. I know
that doesn't sound like a bad thing - but when you
start to care more about what others think of you than
what you think of you and start to make
judgments
about yourself based on what others say and do, you
start to lose yourself, one little piece at a time, until the
core of you is so buried that you've lost all contact!
After that year in Amarillo, we moved again, this time to
Houston. A culture shock in more ways than one. I
remember happily showing up for my first day in my
new school, dressed to the nines (I thought) in my
white fishnet knee-high socks, only to discover that no
one, and I mean no one, wore socks in Houston. It
was strictly a sandals kind of place. I wanted to crawl
in a hole somewhere. I just wanted to be like everyone
else.
I was at the age when boys started becoming really
important too. And all us girls were totally focused on
getting boys to notice us, to pay attention to us, to like
us. That's when I fine-tuned the art of morphing myself
into what I thought I needed to be to 'be liked by you".
That was the age when I internalized that just being
myself was not good enough to make the grade.
I tossed my "librarian" glasses and determined to just
live with a blurry reality. I got really good at recognizing
people at a distance by observing their shapes and
the way they moved. In essence, I gave up my own
comfort and ability to clearly see the world around me
so that boys might like the way I looked.
I was the epitome of nice - generally a good thing of
course - but in the extreme you become a non-entity.
Slowly but surely burying any sense of entitlement to
just be yourself and, at least some of the time, make
choices that please you!
We all started out in life as uninhibited children with
the world at our feet. We had an awe and exuberance
and love for life and it was fun! But somewhere along
the road in our childhoods, most of us started to bury
that light for one reason or another, but at it's core, it
seems we all bought in to the mission: Above all else,
please others.
To be a good woman meant to be a selfless woman.
Of course we receive great pleasure in giving to
others, nurturing and taking care of those around us.
It's just that we don't include ourselves on our list of
people to care for. And unfortunately for many, we
don't allow others to give to us either.
That's why so often in midlife (and "midlife" seems to
begin around 30 these days!) women reach a point of
frustration, confusion and disconnection from a sense
of self, of knowing what she truly needs to be happy.
We spent too many years morphing ourselves into our
idea of the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect
employee, perfect boss, perfect whatever - usually
leaving vital parts of ourselves (parts we might have
deemed imperfect or impractical) locked away and
even forgotten.
The secret to finding joy again, if it has vanished for
you in midlife, is to reconnect with those disowned
parts of yourself and free them so you can experience
life fully without judgment or false limitations.
It takes some conscious effort and a determination to
explore your restrictive beliefs and face long-standing
fears, but it's worth it. If you decide to take that journey,
I promise you'll be on the road to reawakening your joy
and passion for life!
Who knows? Maybe the word "Happy!" will appear next
to your phone number too!
