"Seek first to understand, then to be
understood."
- Steven R. Covey
Nobody likes conflict and arguments are no fun for
anyone. Some people are skilled at clearing the air
and moving on. Others have the same fight over and
over again. Tension in families, between partners,
between parent and child can escalate into ugly,
stressful ongoing conflict that leaves everyone
involved feeling unloved and unsupported.
Disagreements are not necessarily a bad thing, but
there are definitely healthy and unhealthy ways of
dealing with them. Here are some strategies to help
you resolve conflict in a way that leads to
strengthening rather than damaging your
relationships:
Be Respectful. Create some clear
boundaries - no
name calling, sarcasm, contempt, or yelling. It might
feel satisfying in the heat of an argument to blow off
steam this way, but the damage will last far beyond
the moment.
Listen. The tendency in a verbal fight with
someone is
to try to outmaneuver the other person by building your
case for why you are right. Of course the other person
is doing the same. Nobody is really listening to the
other, so the argument goes round and round in a
circle that has no end. Try something new. Be quiet for
a moment and really listen to what the other person
has to say.
Ask Questions. Asking quality questions will
enhance
your listening. Ask questions that show a genuine
desire to understand not just the other person's
position, but what they are feeling as well. Usually
anger is a cover for more painful emotions like feeling
hurt, vulnerable, unappreciated, or a sense of betrayal.
Look Inward. Be willing to open to the
possibility that
you may be wrong in your perception of the situation,
or that your own behavior may be an equal contributor
to the conflict or even the core problem. I know that
may be hard to do, but doing so can lead to very
rewarding insight that has the potential to unravel a
conflict quickly.
Own It. It's said that when you point a finger at
someone, there are three fingers pointing back at you!
Blame is always going to be met with resistance, so
both parties have much to gain by owning their own
stuff! That doesn't mean that it's all your fault either, it
just means that there are two people involved that
each bring different foibles, challenges,
temperaments, and needs to the situation. It's hardly
ever one-sided.
Time Out. Recognize that emotions may be
just too
hot to handle when a conflict arises. Nothing can get
resolved effectively through anger. Agree to a time out
to cool off, to clear your head and think about what this
is really about. Set a time to come together again to
discuss things calmly.
Write It. Sometimes writing about the problem
will
bring you clarity as well as give you a way to express
yourself fully and completely without interruption or
getting flustered. Write it all down and then sit with it
awhile. When you feel what you have written
expresses clearly what you want and how you feel, in
a calm and respectful way, consider sharing it. Invite
the other person to do the same.
We all want to be understood, loved and accepted for
who we are and appreciated for what we bring to a
relationship. Unspoken conflict can be just as
damaging as frequent fights. Calm, loving and
respectful communication is the key to melting away
the tensions that grow when two people with
differences come together in a relationship.
Differences are delightful in the beginning of any
relationship and then become major sources of
irritation as the novelty wears off. Learn to appreciate
and accept each other just the way you are, and you'll
be well on the road to a healthier and happier
relationship.
