I have noticed a pattern among virtually all of my
clients, whether they have a professional career, are a
stay-at-home parent, perpetually single or in a long-
term marriage. Men and women alike carry a heavy
load of self-judgment and inner criticism.
I ran across the following quote about a year ago and
it seems to capture so poignantly the struggle
within: "My beloved child, break your heart no
longer.
Each time you judge yourself, you break your own
heart" - Swami Kripalvanandji
We think of a broken heart as the result of losing a
love relationship and it's one of the most painful
experiences in life. What we don't often realize is that
when we deny ourselves the joy of self-love and
appreciation, we create enormous pain and suffering
that is wholly self-inflicted.
Life can be challenging enough without being our own
worst enemy. It is absolutely true that happiness is an
inside job. It is not up to anyone else to make us
happy - in fact it is an impossible job for someone
else to do what can only be accomplished from within.
Now, more than ever, when the state of the nation and
the world presents some looming challenges and
has left so many feeling insecure and fearful, the one
thing we each have absolute control over is how we
treat ourselves and others.
Most of us are much better at treating others well -
reaching out to help another with kind words, a
supportive ear, and helpful actions. When our friends
or family, particularly our children, feel down, we go to
great lengths to try to raise their spirits, to reassure
them they are doing the best they can, and that they
are loved and valued.
But what do we do for ourselves? Let's see - we tell
ourselves things like: I really screwed up, what was I
thinking when I invested money in this or that? What
an idiot I am! How did I let my body get so out of shape
and overweight? I'm such an undisciplined slob! Why
didn't I go to school or finish my degree when I had
the chance? What a slacker! Why, oh why, didn't I say
this or say that - or - why did I say that! I never say the
right thing! I am so inept; I'm a total imbecile!
As ugly as that sounds, it's probably pretty tame
compared to what that inner critic actually says when it
lets loose a tirade. Where does it come from, that
vicious voice within? Maybe you heard it first from a
parent, a teacher, a husband, a boss or another
significant person in your life. Maybe it has its roots in
a voice from the past or from someone who currently
influences your daily life.
It really doesn't matter where it comes from, because
in reality, it has long since morphed into the voice of
our own inner demon - somewhere along the way, we
internalized and came to believe those negative ideas
about who we are. What's important is 1) to recognize
that the voice is there, 2) to become conscious about
what it is saying and, 3) to decide whether you want
this negative and punishing voice to rule your life!
I hope your answer is a resounding "No!" because
this one decision can change your life! Why is it so
important to shift the way you think about yourself, talk
to yourself, and treat yourself? Because this is at the
very core of what creates your unhappiness,
frustration, chronic disappointment, anger, self-
sabotage and melancholy.
What we tend to decry as our lack of self-discipline is
really the result of a deep-seated habit of
disappointing ourselves because we've convinced
ourselves so completely that we aren't good enough,
worthy enough, smart enough, committed enough
or "whatever" enough to succeed at having what we
really want.
Make a decision today, right now, to look at yourself
through a new lens. At a minimum, begin to
consciously speak to yourself as you would a child or
your best friend. Treat yourself the way you wish
others would treat you.
Let go of past experience as the yardstick by which
you measure what is possible now and in the future.
Instead, look at the past as a fertile learning
experience, which enables you to better understand
what you don't want, so that you can now define with
clarity what you do want.
State with conviction: I am loving and loveable,
capable and strong, willing and able to move my life in
a direction that pleases me and brings rich rewards. I
honor myself in thought, word and deed and I am on
the path to happiness, inner peace and balance.
You can do it. Make the choice to "break your heart no
longer". Reach deep inside to that place where you
know your true self to be, and reconnect with your
unique and beautiful spirit and set it free. It's time to
let your heart sing.
