Sometimes it seems that nothing in life is working
very well - the job, the relationship, the body. With the
exception of our physical body, we might be tempted
to throw everything out and start over! At least that's a
familiar fantasy.
And just like we can't trade our physical bodies for a
new model (at least not in this lifetime!) it's important
to come to grips with the reality that "wherever you go,
there you are". In other words, our emotional, mental
and spiritual body follows us wherever we go as well.
We might succeed in changing the job, leaving a
relationship for a new one, moving to a new town, or
any number of giant moves that serve to overhaul our
lives, but if we haven't modified our relationship with
ourselves, the habits that work against us, and the
way in which we create or contribute to the stress and
drama in our lives, we'll just end up with "same song,
second verse".
That's why so often a second marriage goes the way
of the first. And a job change feels like you just left the
frying pan for an intense relationship with the fire.
I'm not saying that dramatic changes are not healthy
or desirable. I help people make those changes all
the time and they are life-affirming choices that
contribute immeasurably to improving quality of life.
However, the likelihood of achieving a positive
outcome from a change of this magnitude really
depends on the extent of the inner work you have done
to gain clarity about what you want and why you want it.
The motivation for change almost always boils down
to this: I want a better quality of life. I want to feel
happy. I want to feel at peace. I want to feel energized
and engaged in a purposeful pursuit. I want
harmonious relationships.
It's really all about feeling good. And that's hard to
achieve if you are surrounded by negativity, tension
and strife. Sometimes bad situations at work and in
relationships rise to the level of either emotional or
physical abuse. In that case, there is no question that
an overhaul of your life choices, as soon as possible,
would be the best course of action. However, that
being said, it is equally important to do some soul-
searching and perhaps therapy to determine how you
landed in such a situation and to create proactive
mental shifts and strategies to prevent a repeat
episode.
Sometimes a situation or relationship doesn't rise to
abuse, but nonetheless, offers a steady diet of
negativity and drama or even just boredom that drains
your energy and leaves you chronically tired and
demoralized. Sometimes the solution is indeed to
choose an overhaul strategy. But other times, just a
tweak can make all the difference.
What does a tweak look like? It can take many forms,
but here are a few examples:
- Setting physical and emotional boundaries
- Asking for what you need and expecting a positive
outcome
- Offering clear and honest communication
- Disengaging from negative conversation
- Changing your focus to dwell on the positive
- Actively appreciating what is working well
- Broadening your focus to find pleasure in other
aspects of life
- Developing a hobby, a social life, and other
pleasant diversions
I've had clients who were sure they needed a career
change, and that they needed it fast, when all they
really needed was to take better care of themselves
and build a more well-rounded life outside of work.
I've had clients who were sure a divorce was the only
way out of misery, when all they really needed was to
honor themselves and ask for what they wanted, learn
to focus on the positive aspects of their marriage and
their partner's good intentions, recognize their own
contributions to what's not working, and take
responsibility for meeting some of their important
needs in other ways.
I've been amazed really at how often the answer to a
better quality of life for my clients lies more in a
change of mindset rather than a change of situation.
Sometimes the seemingly smallest tweaks can make
an enormous difference.
I invite you to think about what's not working in your life
and consider the possibility of making a few tweaks
here and there and see if your energy doesn't shift to a
more positive and peaceful place.
