Weekly Torah Portion Commentary  - Courtesy of Rabbi Michael Gold......

    Last week a group of clergy and lay people gathered in my synagogue, together with a number of women who had been the victims of domestic violence.  Our purpose was a prayer service to give emotional support to the victims and work to end domestic abuse.  Two women told their stories of abusive husbands, stories which were hair raising.  Several clergy spoke including another rabbi, a Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a representative of Islam. By the end, it was clear that domestic violence is not limited to one faith and one social economic grouping.  It is a human problem.

    Domestic abuse is as ancient as the Bible.  An example is in this week's portion.  With Abraham's permission Sarah behaved abusively towards Hagar, the surrogate mother chosen to have Abraham's child.  Hagar fled from before Sarah's hand.  In next week's portion, Sarah and Abraham will throw Hagar out of their home.  In the Rabbinic Midrash, Abraham would express regret for these actions.

    In my book God, Love, Sex, and Family, I wrote an entire chapter on abuse.  Here is a little piece of what I wrote:  The woman, newly divorced, came to see me about enrolling her three children in our synagogue religious school.  She had relocated across the country, had no money, and was trying to put her life back together.  I asked if her ex-husband could pay for the religious education.

    She told me that her ex-husband had been abusive to her and the children, once actually putting her in the hospital.  One evening, after a particularly vicious incident, she had fled to a woman's shelter with the children.  However, her husband had pleaded with her for forgiveness; if only she would come back he would never hit her again.  She went to see her rabbi, who told her, "your husband is a good man, who just lost control.  I'm sure he will not do it again.  A wife belongs with her husband and children belong with their father.  For the sake of shalom bayit (peace in the home), go back."

    She followed the rabbi's advice and went back to her husband, but the abuse continued.  He would grow angry and violent, then become apologetic.  Finally, when she could stand no more, she and the children fled.  Today there is a court order preventing the man from having any contact with either her or the children.  Obviously he pays no spousal or child support and she expects none.  She felt fortunate to get out of the marriage alive and intact, and desperately wanted to put her life together.  My synagogue school swallowed its financial losses and gave the children full scholarships.

    The woman's story is not unique today.  My wife used to work each summer in the office of a large religious children's camp in New England.  Each year there are several restraining orders kept on file to prevent certain fathers or mothers from seeing or contacting their children.  Such orders are taken with great seriousness.  The camp would be held liable for severe damages should such a parent succeed in contacting a child.

    I recall a trip to the city jail to visit a member of my congregation arrested for severely injuring his wife.  She was in the hospital.  I was hoping that the man would show some remorse, and a willingness to seek counseling and try to change his ways.  But he acted as if this was a trivial incident.  "Rabbi, I know that you believe marriage is important.  You have influence with her.  Tell her I love her.  Tell her to come back to me."  I tried to tell him that we do not show love by hurting someone.  Unfortunately, we often treat such strife as domestic disputes, a relatively minor inconvenience.  The same act that would result in an assault or rape conviction if perpetrated on a stranger is considered a minor event if done to one's spouse.

    We can define abuse as any action towards other family members which mars the image of God in them.  This includes embarrassment, for as the rabbis have taught, to embarrass one's fellow is the equivalent of murder.  This certainly includes any kind physical violence.  The Torah forbids striking one's parents - "If a man smites his father or his mother, he shall surely be put to death."  (Exodus 21:15) (However, the Torah and later rabbinic tradition is unfortunately far more tolerant of striking a child, an issue we must deal with at another time.)  Certainly, striking one's spouse is considered abusive behavior and should never be tolerated.  Finally, any kind of inappropriate sexual contact between family members, far more prevalent in our society than we like to imagine, is abuse at its worse.

    This is a book that celebrates the joys of family life.  It sees home and hearth as a place of respite and comfort.  To recall the famous quote of Robert Frost, "Home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in."  How said, when home becomes a place of fear and terror?