Many years ago when I was young, I gave a d'var Torah on this double portion regarding the tribes of Reuben, Gad, and the half tribe of Manasseh.   These tribes asked for land east of the Jordan River rather than joining the other tribes to conquer the land.  They agreed to join the other tribes to fight for the land, but then they would return to their home east of the river.  Meanwhile, they would build "sheepfolds here for our cattle and cities for our little ones."
       I spoke about how for these tribes, their cattle (i.e. their possessions) came before their children.  I warned about people who put possessions before children, money before family.  I will stand by this old d'var Torah.  But at the time I was naively unaware of the realities of raising children.  Yesterday I met with my cousin in Los Angeles and his five year old son.  He spoke about the expenses of parenthood; I could only answer "you've only just begun."  How many times have I quoted the old Yiddish proverb, "Little children, little problems; big children, big problems."
       Recently I came across a letter written by a young woman raised by a single mom and struggling to pay for college.  Her dad had drifted in and out of her life for years.  She asked her dad to help her pay for college and he refused; all his money was going for a fancy new car.  He had promised to visit for her birthday and never showed up.  She wrote how her father pulled her strings, how destructive he was to her self-esteem, and how she wished he would disappear from her life and leave her alone.  The letter brought tears to my eyes.  There are too many deadbeat dads, and sadly deadbeat moms, who destroy their children.
       And yet on the other extreme, there are parents who cannot let go.  I admit that I see some of this in myself.  I spend five days in Santa Barbara, CA last week, helping my son settle into a new apartment and a new life, buying him supplies, giving him advice and support in his job hunt, etc.  Finally, I realized that the best thing I can do for my son is leave Santa Barbara and let him do it on his own.  We parents need to give our children space to grow up on their own.  Letting go can be as difficult as holding on.
             I wrote about the balance between not being there and being there too much in my newest book The Kabbalah of Love.  It speaks about the triad of kabbalistic sefirot: netzach, hod, and yesod.  I learned these insights from Rabbi Abner Weiss, an expert on kabbalah and psychology, and I found them extremely helpful in dealing with children.  Allow me to quote my book:
             "The third triad is in the olam haasiyah, the world of action.  The masculine attribute of action is netzach, often translated "eternity."   Netzach is a turning outwards.   It is the outpouring of actions to help the other, applied hesed.  We want to do everything for our beloved.  Again, the danger is that we will overwhelm them.
             "The feminine side is hod, translated "glory."  Hod is a turning inwards.  In modern slang hod means giving our beloved their space.  Hod means letting them be.  We must give our beloved room to be themselves.  Or as many a wise teacher has taught, "Let them go.  If the love is there, they will come back."  We cannot love someone by smothering them.
             "The balance between netzach and hod is yesod, usually translated "foundation."  The foundation of real love rests in the balance between doing for our beloved and letting our beloved be.  We must both be present for them and give them space.  We must hold on and let go.  Only then can love flourish."